Chapter Four (original) (raw)

Title: Crawling Backwards
Author: xxshilaleighxx
Fandom: Music/VAM
Summery: Ville is in love with Bam, but Bam only loves Ville when he’s drunk. By morning it’s forgotten and Bam goes on to believe that they’re still just friends. Ville puts up with it for his love, but it’s slowly killing him inside.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Pairing: VAM…eventually.
Rating: NC-17 in some parts…but generally it’s R

Links to previous chapters behind the cut.

I think I accidentally deleted this chapter.....oopps...well, here it is again.

Prologue
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three

A/N: I realized that people don't seem to update their stories too much at this hour. And since I'm up, I figured I would do just that. So here you go:

Chapter Four

The pub was surprisingly packed for the middle of the week. The bar was crammed with demanding customers, and we had to push our way through the throng of people in order to get a seat near the back. As we took our seats, Bam wasted no time in ordering a round of Guinness. My mind quickly snapped back to the last time I tasted that drink and my stomach did a flip-flop.

“I’ll have Yager, actually,” I told the waiter before he left.

“Something wrong? You never pass up Guinness,” Bam smiled.

“Yager’s stronger,” I replied innocently, pulling a Marlboro Red out of my pocket. Before I even got it to my lips it was grabbed from me.

“You don’t mind if I borrow one, do you?” Bam asked, placing the cigarette between his own lips. I just pretended to scowl at him before tossing him my lighter and pulling out another cigarette. Taking a long drag, I reached behind me and grabbed an ashtray from the adjacent table, ignoring the protests of the people occupying it.

“A little slice of heaven right here,” I sighed, my eyes fixed on the small burning ember. We sat in silence until our drinks were brought to us, Bam sipping at his gingerly and me swallowing half the glass in one gulp. I wanted to get hammered, and fast—Yager was the only thing that could do that for me.

As Bam knocked back the rest of his drink and ordered another, I found myself staring at his lips and wondering what it would be like to taste them without the taint of alcohol. I wondered what he tasted like. I wanted to reach across the table and smother him in kisses, I wanted to sit in his lap and tell him I loved him; but I knew I couldn’t do that. He was sitting across from me, yet completely out of reach.

“Dunn!” he stood up suddenly, shouting toward the front door. I didn’t need to turn around to see who he was yelling at. Ryan quickly made his way over to us and sat down, patting me on the back before ordering a drink for himself.

“Long time no see, Ville,” he smiled, scratching his beard unconsciously. I wanted to slap that grin off his face for ruining my alone time with Bam.

“Yeah, it has been,” I tried to force a smile to my lips, but it came out as an awkward half-grimace. “So I didn’t know they had skateboarding in Poland,” I tried to start a conversation.

“Man, it’s getting huge everywhere, you should fucking see it,” Bam grinned from ear to ear. He ordered another glass and for the first time I realized that he was already on his fifth pint. “Poland people love me.”

“You mean Polish?” I smiled, glancing down at my own glass.

“No, Poland people, end of story,” he crossed his arms stubbornly. Dunn chuckled beside him and for some reason I felt left out of the joke because I didn’t find the idiocy as funny as they had.

The next hour passed with laughter and alcohol, and some point I made the mistake of switching to whisky. I knew I would be regretting it later, but at the time I couldn’t care less. It felt so much later than I knew it actually was, and my limbs were growing tired from the consumption of alcohol. I wanted to go home.

“We should go to the record store!” Bam slurred, slamming his frothing glass down on the table and causing some of the Guinness to slosh out.

“What’s there?” Dunn asked, tipping back another beer. Great, I’m going to have two drunks to put up with tonight. Although, I was getting pretty smashed myself; and I felt a strange comfort in that knowledge.

“Records—der,” Bam stuck out his tongue. I tried to keep up with the conversation but my stomach was threatening to jump out of my throat. Dunn said something cocky and I saw Bam punch him in the arm, but suddenly the room started to sway and I couldn’t keep my eyes on them.

“You okay, dude?” Bam asked, his eyes squinting to get a better look at me.

I gulped in an attempt to keep the vomit I knew was coming down and replied, “Yeah, I’m just not feeling too good. Maybe I should head back…” The words were heavy on my tongue and it felt like the muscle was growing with each passing second, threatening to cut off my air supply.

“Come on, we just started drinking!” Dunn toasted his bottle in the air, but drew back in disappointment when no one tipped their glass to his.

“I’ll go with you,” Bam said. It wasn’t a question, and I knew that I was in no position to argue. As I pushed myself from the table I felt his arm slip around my waist. How he had gotten to my side that fast was beyond me. “Come on Willa, time for beddy-bye.”

“Fucking whatever,” I heard Dunn grumble behind us as we made our way to the door. Bam asked if he was coming but he just responded with, “Hell no, I’ve still got some drinking to do.”

The night air felt like a slap to my face as we stumbled outside and I felt myself falling, only to have Bam’s grip around my waist tighten and heft me back to my feet. I offered him a thankful smile, but he just nodded and began guiding me toward my apartment. We walked, or, rather, stumbled down the street in silence, Bam making the occasional crack about ‘Finland Weather’. I tried to talk to him, but my words came out slurred and unintelligible.

Before I knew it we were inside, a blanket of heat wrapping around me as he practically carried me to my room. This time I wasn’t concerned about the mess my room was in. He placed me down upon the soft mattress and moved to sit beside me, carefully pulling the shoes off my feet.

“Why are you doing this?” I managed to ask, my mind clearing slightly with the lack of movement.

He gave me a knowing look before saying, “because you’re my friend.”

The title made me want to cry, but I held the tears safely at bay. I wanted to be more than his friend; I wanted him to love me like he did his fiancé. I sighed heavily as the bed dipped and he lay down beside me. His hand entwined with mine in a show of affection, his mind probably telling him that he was only trying to be comforting, but mine yelling at me to push him away. I wanted him by my side, but I didn’t need this right now.

“Bam,” I turned to him, trying to think of the right words. When none came to mind I just smiled and continued to stare into his eyes.

“You’re wasted, Ville,” he chuckled lightly, his hand reaching out to brush a stray hair out of my face. I felt my eyes slipping closed with his touch and I couldn’t help the sigh that escaped my ears.

“I love you, Bam,” before I had time to think the words just spilled out of my mouth. My eyes snapped open to peer at him, trying to gauge his response but failing.

“I love you too, man,” he replied after a moment. My heart rate settled as I saw the look in his eyes, he said what he did in a purely friendly manner, and I knew I would have to settle for it. “Get some sleep.”

“I don’t want sleep,” I mumbled, reaching out an arm that seemed to weigh a million pounds to trace my thumb over his lips. He pulled back slightly at my touch, but said nothing. My eyes slipped closed once more as I brought my face towards his, our lips connecting for the briefest of moments before he suddenly jerked back.

A sharp pain jabbed at my chest as he quickly stood up and wiped his mouth with his shirt sleeve. “What are you doing?”

“I—” the words didn’t seem to come to me, and I swiftly did the only thing I could think of and rolled over. “I’m sorry; I’m just a little drunk.”

“A little?” he scoffed, and I could hear the smile in his voice. “Damn, Ville, you’re fucking wasted.”

I heard him laugh again, louder this time, before he shuffled out of the room and closed the door behind him. My heart seemed to shatter into a million pieces in that moment and I resigned myself to sobbing into my pillow.

~*~

The next morning (or rather afternoon, I realized as I glanced at my alarm clock), I awoke with a splitting headache and an empty feeling in my chest. I wanted to roll over and go back to sleep, but the pain in my head was unbearable. Grudgingly untangling myself from the bed sheets, I made my way to the door but paused when I heard people talking in the kitchen.

It was Bam and Dunn, their voices muted over the sounds of clinking silverware. I knew it was wrong, but I put my ear against the door and tried to listen to their conversation.

“Can you believe that?” I heard Bam ask, his voice sounding like a whisper through the thick door.

“I dunno, man, he was wasted as fuck last night,” Dunn supplied.

“I don’t give a shit, he fucking kissed me!” I felt my breath hitch at his words; words that were quickly followed by something slamming down on the table. “What the fuck, dude?!”

“Calm the fuck down, you pussy,” Dunn laughed, but Bam was having none of it.

“Calm down? How the fuck would you feel if your best friend kissed you?” There was a pause before Dunn’s laughter echoed off the walls.

I couldn’t take much more of this. I didn’t wan to hear it. Taking a deep breath, I opened the door and walked into the kitchen. The two boys were silent as I made my way past them and grabbed the milk from the refrigerator.

“Good morning,” I tried to sound nonchalant. I felt Bam’s eyes on my back as I poured myself a glass and grabbed the bottle of aspirin from the nearby cabinet. Dunn grunted a response and went back to eating a bowl of Lucky Charms.

“We’re going to the skate park today,” Bam piped up as I sat down across from him—as far as the small table would allow.

“We are?” I arched an eyebrow. I wanted to scream at him, to cry and tell him that I heard every word he just said, but I just smiled and played along.

“No, just Dunn and me,” he replied quickly, getting up to put his bowl in the sink. Dunn cast me an apologetic look before doing the same.

“Oh,” I tried not to look hurt by his words, and instead continued to sip at my milk. “Fine by me, I need to get some stuff done anyway.”

Without another word Bam took off for the door, not even glancing back at me. Dunn stuck around a bit longer and placed a comforting hand on my shoulder.

“Don’t let him get to you, man, he’s just being a pricy bitch,” he smiled, patting my shoulder before taking off himself. As the door closed behind them I became frightfully aware of how empty my apartment.

I had never felt more alone.

~*~

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