Saiyuki Fic: Hungry Jess 7 (original) (raw)

Hey, they can't all be catchy, clever titles.

Worksafe: ph33r my euphemisms!

I'm running a little late on comments. Will get to them as soon as I can.

The Legend of Hungry Jess Thimbleton

~and Other Tall Tales~

Personages:

Goku ~as~ Hungry Jess Thimbleton, a fearless pioneer whose luck, strength and appetite are known throughout the territories.

Sanzo ~as~ Deadeye Sally MacGruder, sharpest shot west of the Mississip’. The only thing quicker than her revolvers is her foul temper.

Gojyo ~as~ Chief Iron Rod aka Clarence DuFay. A lecherous mulatto bandit from Louisianne, infamous for his dashing good looks, trademark war bonnet and fancy riding. Known kidnapper, drunkard and ravisher of women everywhere.

Hakkai ~as~ William P. Quincy, a demure school teacher from Duxberry, Massachusetts, who moved West with his sister and her new husband.

and

Nataku ~as~ Jenner Birch, Jess’s Rival.

Hakuryuu ~as~ White Lightning, a Faithful Steed.

Kougaiji ~as~ Wyatt the Red, Gentleman Bandit.

Dokugakuji, Yaone and Lirin ~as~ Dolly, Nancy and Lacy Varley, Wyatt’s Gang

Homura ~as~ Mr. Grover Teasdale, Son of a Railroad Tycoon.

Zenon and Shien ~as~ Cormac Finn and Yu Yun, Teasdale’s Henchmen.

Rinrei ~as~ Miss Catalina Barnes of the Savannah Barnes, a Lady.

also featuring

Hazel ~as~ Sheriff Eustace Brewer, an agent of Love and/or Justice.

Gato ~as~ A Giant.

Koumyou ~as~ Eveline MacGruder, Matron of the Crystal Peak Sanitarium.

and

Nii ~as~ Dr. Vernon Borowitz (alias), a Quack.

~Part the Seventh~
Reeling Mathilda

Chief Iron Rod was posed dramatically on the loaded wagon, one knuckle to his chin, brow furrowed. “They’ve been talking for an awful long time,” he said.

White Lightning whuffled in agreement. Jess paused in petting the horse’s silky muzzle and eyed the pair warily. White Lightning had balked at the wagon traces until the Chief had mentioned that the whole thing was William’s idea, so Jess had little doubt where the horse’s interest lay. The Chief, on the other hand…

“Why don’t ya just go check on them if you’re worried?” Jess suggested.

The Chief’s face brightened and he hopped from the wagon’s high seat.

“Good idea, kid! C’mon.”

He grabbed the back of Jess’s shirt and hauled him away from the wagon with surprising strength. He was no match for Jess, of course, but Jess didn’t want to hurt the guy, so he let the Chief pull him along with only minimal protestation. Besides, he figured somebody had to make sure Miss Sally wasn’t getting herself in trouble again.

They were only part way back to the clearing by the river when Jess heard the unmistakable sound of footfalls on the narrow path. They were too light to be William and definitely not angry enough to be Sally. He shoved the Chief into a convenient bush, gesturing for silence.

One cannot describe his shock when a familiar wide-brimmed hat came bobbing along the path, its freckled owner chewing a long stalk of grass contemplatively. Jess was out of the bush and halfway up the path before he even realized it.

“You!” he said, pointing.

“Hey, Jess,” the blond boy grinned easily.

“What are you doin’ here?”

“Got drafted into the Sheriff’s posse t’ find some criminals or somethin’. What’re you doin’ here?”

“I’m beating you to California, that’s what!”

“Y’are?” the boy said, looking positively delighted. “Really?”

“Well, only ‘cause you left ‘fore I could challenge you to wrestling,” Jess mumbled. His face felt hot. The boy’s smile was doing weird things to his guts.

The boy laughed and stuck out his hand. “My name’s Jenner Birch,” he said. Jess shook it warily. It was dry and very warm against his palm, and the next thing he knew, he was eating dirt.

“Pinned ya,” Jenner breathed into his ear, pressing him to the ground with chest and hips. He was heavier than he looked, and clung tenaciously as Jess tried to buck him off. Jess had just managed to get on top of him, his cornsilk hair spread in the dust, his grin wide as ever, when someone grabbed Jess by the ear and pulled him to his feet.

“Hey!” Sally said. “Stop fraternizin’ with the enemy and get your butt over here.”

“Oww, Sally! I was _winnin’._”

“Too bad. Now get down and shut your mouth,” she hissed, tossing him into another convenient bush. William was in the clearing beyond, discussing something with the silver-haired Sheriff.

“…obviously not being held against my will, sir, and I’m afraid going to Wichita with you is out of the question at the moment. Are you quite sure you couldn’t just take a note to my sister?” William was saying. He looked terribly reasonable; the Sheriff was apparently much braver than Jess had thought.

“OK, here’s the plan,” Sally whispered. “Will’s distracting that bastard Sheriff, so you sneak up and grab the pistol while I cover you. Watch out for the Giant, he’s bound to be around here somewhere.”

“Why do I have to grab the gun? Isn’t it yours?”

“That’s not the point-“

“I don’t want to grab his gun! I was-”

“Look, kid if you want to be in my gang you’ll-“

“I have a gun right here,” Chief Iron Rod said, appearing behind them. “You want it?”

“Ah, there you are Miss MacGruder,” the Sheriff purred, spreading the leaves of their bush with his immaculate white gloves. Sunlight arrowed through the cottonwoods’ branches, haloing his hair in brilliant white. “It’s wonderful to see you well after your harrowing abduction from my prison. If you don’t mind, I’ll take you safely back into custody now.”

Shooting at the perverted wannabe injun hadn’t been the best reaction under the circumstances, Sally reflected. Not only had it given away their hiding place, she could feel William’s icily blank stare from across the clearing. She pressed Lucille’s barrel between the Sheriff’s eyes in an attempt to salvage the situation. He backed away slowly, and she followed, keeping the cold circle of metal against his skin.

“You,” she growled at his sunny smile, “had better have my Mathilda on you.”

“I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he glowed, spreading his hands to show their emptiness, “but you’re welcome to, ah, look.”

Sally snarled silently and started searching his numerous, body-warm pockets. Thoroughly. She resolutely ignored William’s raised eyebrows and the muffled giggling coming from a certain bush.

“Perhaps,” the Sheriff said, sounding a bit strangled, “A little to the left?”

Sally blinked and jerked her hand out of his hip pocket as if burned. That- That-

A hideous rattling, banging, clomping sort of noise was approaching the clearing by the little house.

That- That-

From the corner of her eye, Sally saw the fringe-wearing giant emerge silently from the brush. The banging was quite loud now.

That man. Lucille hadn’t wavered an inch from the Sheriff’s shiny, shiny visage, and he was smiling again. Sally’s finger tightened on the trigger.

A white horse burst from the brush towing a fully loaded, open wagon, that bumbling kidnapper caterwauling at the reins. Before she could quite shoot the Sheriff she found herself plucked from the ground yet again, the hungry little cretin’s grip like iron around her waist as they careened through the trees. The horse had shouldered the Sheriff to the ground, but he appeared to have avoided the wagon’s wheels, Sally observed. The Chief and William had somehow ended up in a tangle of limbs across the pile of bedding. No one appeared to be steering.

“Hey!” the kid screeched, dropping her and leaping to his feet to shake his fist at something receding into the distance, “I’m still gonna beatcha to California! YOU HEAR ME, JENNER BIRCH? I’M STILL GONNA BEATCHA TO CALIFORNIA!”

Sally fumbled through her pockets for her pipe as the wagon jounced toward the setting sun. It was going to be a long, long journey west.

To the Sidestory: The Ballad of Chief Iron Rod
On to Part the Eighth: Cutting to the Chase

Jess will be on a brief hiatus while I deal with some RL deadlines. Regular updates should start up again in two or three weeks.