Star Wars: Legacy of the Force : Bloodlines (original) (raw)

A summary of Karen Traviss's Bloodlines. x-posted to roguereport, a community of satirical Star Wars summaries. Each summary for the LOTF series will be placed under the tag here.

spoilers as always, so read if you don't care, already know, or won't be reading this book any time soon anyway.

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...

STAR WARS: LEGACY OF THE FORCE
Episode II: Bloodlines

The galaxy is at the cusp of civil war. As always. This time, though, it's between the Corellian sector--led by Han Solo's jackass cousin Thrackan Sal-Solo--and the Galactic Alliance, a merger of the old Empire and the New Republic and watched over, as always, by Luke Skywalker's Jedi Order. The Solo-Skywalker clan is divided. It's native Corellian Han Solo versus his Jedi family. Jacen Solo, in his love for learning, is moronically entertaining Sith-hood and planning to drag his impressionable cousin Ben along for the ride. And Luke Skywalker's ex-girlfriend Lumiyumyumya is back to muck around with everything.

This is Anakin Skywalker's Legacy of the Force.

And because it's a Traviss novel, there's gratuitous Mandolorian stuff.

Boba Fett: I'm dying. I'm flying. I'm dying. And I need to find my long lost daughter who hates me and tried to kill me. I haven't seen her in fifty years. Because Lucasfilm didn't make her up until last year. Yeah, I'm a deadbeat dad. Dying sucks. I wish the Jedi hadn't killed my daddy. I miss my da.

Ben: Cousin Jacen is so cool.
Jacen: Talking a lot with the President yadda yadda

Doctor: You're dying.
Boba Fett: Shut up.
Doctor: There's a bounty on Solo's head.
Boba Fett: meh. I miss my da.

Dude: Thrackan Sal-Solo has put a bounty on your family's head. Coup?
Han: Oh gee. Erm, no thanks.

Jacen: I miss you TK!
J/TK shippers: awwwww
Jacen: OMG I must hide SEEKRET FAMILEE.

Mirta: I'm a teenaged bounty hunter. I have your wife's necklace.
Boba Fett: OMG
Mirta: And I know where your daughter is.
Reader: Oh. I get it. Could she be your granddaughter?
Boba Fett: Not a chance. By the way. I'm dying. And I miss my daddy.

Luke: You know, I just don't feel comfortable with Jacen as Ben's teacher.
Mara: Why?
Luke: Well isn't Jacen, you know...a little bit homocidal?
Mara: HEY. HEY. If we hadn't panwed Ben off to Jacen for babysitting then we'd be the ones raising him!
Luke: Oh. Good point. It's not like we're his parents or anything.

Boba Fett: I miss my Jango-daddy. ::sniff::

Jacen: Oh thank god I am not falling to the dark side because I'm arrogant. Falling to the dark side for petty reasons like that is sooo beneath me.

::flow walks/watches his Episode III DVD::

Jacen: Yah see Anakin fell to the dark side for selfish reasons. I'm sooo much better than that. I'm not becoming a Sith for the same reasons. I won't repeat his mistakes.

Reader: ... *points at the "becoming a Sith" part*

Han Solo: Oh grr. I'm going to kill cousin Thrackan. He's threatening my kids. Even though they're 30+ years old and career military I will be offended by this. Moreso when they were 9 years old and he kidnapped them. HE MUST DIE. Oh Falcon. Ohhhh baby. ::pets the Falcon:: Ohhhhh baby.

Reader: um. ew.

Bad Guy: RAWR!
Han: ::hides::
Leia: ::kicks ASS::
Han: When did a nice girl like you learn to do things like that?
Leia: You taught me.

Cal OmASS: Mara please lead the Galactic Alliance Guard.
Mara: GAG?
Cal OmASS: Yes.
Mara: ::gag::
Cal OmASS: I'll take that as a no. Jacen? You=Colonel?
Jacen: Yub yub.
Everyone Else: ::GAG::

Corellians: We're going to be terrorists now, okay?
Ben: Not...okay?

Boba Fett: *putters about without his helmet for the first time in his adult life* *is dying* *misses his da*

Jacen: I am prepared to be hated in the pursuit of a greater good.

::drags people out of houses::

Luke: Um. I'm worried. About Jacen.
Mara: Oh you silly bun bun. He is probably just having a stressful love life.
Luke: Really?
Mara: I'll ask him!

Mara: Jacen, why are you acting so evil?
Jacen: Evil? Who, me?
Mara: Is it because your love life sucks?
Jacen: Oh? Oh, oh yeah. Yeah. That's exactly it. How did you guess?
Mara: Thank goodness! I'm so relieved! You know, for a moment there Luke thought you were turning to the dark side! But now I understand it is merely the pain of LOVE!
Jacen: Uh huh.

Luke: OMG Mara are you STUPID?
Mara: It's a bad affair! Jacen is just having a bad love affair! His brother was the same way when we had our affair!
Luke: What?
Mara: j/k j/k!
Luke: Eh? Oh well. More bad juju: My derranged exgirlfriend double agent for the Empire half robot Lumiya's back.

Jacen: ::bangs Boba Fett's daughter's head into a table.::
Ben: Jeez.
Boba Fett's Daughter: ::gurgle:: ::dies::

Jacen: I don't like being mean.
Lumiya: That's why you'll make a great mean person. I mean, um. Sith. Cuz you don't like it. But you do it anyway.
Jacen: Gosh when you say it like that it makes perfect sense.

Luke: Ben we don't want Jacen to teach you anymore. What you're doing, rounding up innocent civillians like that, it's wrong.
Ben: You guys killed people. Blowing up the Death Star and all that? Hundreds of people on that thing, dude.
Luke: Oh. Well yeah. ::awkward::

Jacen: Shoot civilian ships.
Jaina: But that's wrong.
Zekk: Asshole.
Civilian ship: Ka Boom Boom.
Jaina: Ugh.
Jacen: Okay that's it. Jaina, you're fired.

Ben: ::accidentally kills two people:: OH NOES
Jacen: Well, they were armed. Sort of.
Ben: I feel bad.
Jacen: Oh well.

CNN: Jacen Solo is leading the War on Terror. Against the insurgents. Rawr.
Reader: ? Jacen is Bush? 0_0 Political allegory any?

Boba Fett: Hey Han. Let's kill your cousin.
Han: Okay.
Thrackan Sal-Solo: yeep.
Han: Don't mess with my family! RAWR!
Thrackan Sal-Solo: I messed with Boba Fett's daughter, too!
Boba Fett: Don't mess with my family! RAWR!
Mirta: bang bang
Boba Fett: Dammit!
Han: Dammit!
Boba Fett: YOu should learn to shoot first, Solo. Haha in joke. Get it?
Han: :_:

Jacen: If you want to do good things and feel good about yourself for doing good things all the time, that only causes trubble for the galaxy.
Lumiya: Exactly.
Jacen: So the logical thing to do is to do...bad things!
Lumiya: Have a treat!

Boba Fett: Okay call Jacen and have him return my daughter.
Leia: Hi Jacen it's mommy. We'd like to have that prisoner you picked up. Her daddy wants to see her. You did WHAT? But her daddy is Boba Fett...oh. Okay. Love you too. Bye. Your daughter is dead, Bobby.
Boba Fett: WAH?
Mirta: WAH!!! ::tries to kill Boba Fett::
Boba Fett: Blargh okay.
Mirta: I'm your granddaughter!
Boba Fett: Really?
Everyone Else: DUH.
Boba Fett: I miss my da.

Han: Jacen you are dead to me. =(

Dude: Anyhow, Jacen Solo killed your daughter by torturing her to death. So how do you want to get him?
Boba Fett: I don't. Letting him live will be the best revenge ever. We'll watch him mess things up. Never mind all the innocent people he'll screw up in the end.
Dude: Okay.
Boba Fett: Stupid Jedi ruin everything. I have family now. Huzzah.

Lumiya: You need to immortalize your love.
Jacen: What does that mean?
Lumiya: Eh. I dunno. What do you think?
Jacen: Um. Um. Kill peoplez?
Lumiya: That works. Ding ding ding.
Jacen: Kill who?
Lumiya: EH. I dunno. What do you think? It's more selfless to kill other people than to kill yourself. If people hate you then you can't be arrogant. See how logical the Sith are?
Jacen: I should kill my girlfriend, Tenel Ka. And my wee baby, Allana! That's the BEST IDEA EVER! Oh how sad. :_:

Fangirls, especially Heather: OH NO YOU DI-IN'T!

Boba Fett: I no longer miss my da.
Reader: Thank god.
Boba Fett: Oh. Pee Ess. I'm dying.
Reader: OMG JUST DO IT ALREADY. ::headdesk::

To be Continued...

And as a bonus I provide you the summary to the excerpt for the upcoming book Tempest

For some reason I can totally imagine this as a musical.

Alema: Fallalallalala I'm a skank ho. Yay Balance!

People stare at her. Alema does mean things to them

Alema: A demented skankho who talks in nosotros form and likes to hurt people lalalalala ::plays with her "blow gun"::

Alema: We wants to find Jacen Solo
Dudes: He's gone to see It.
Alema: It?
Dudes: It.
Alema: A clown?
Dudes: No. It.
Alema: Jacen's banging a hermaphrodite in the bowels of Coruscant? RLY?

Lumiya pops up

Alema: WTH. Oh well. ::attempts to blow Jacen::
Lumiya: Jacen watch out! ::pushes Jacen out of the way::
::dart hits the World Brain::

World Brain: :_:!
Jacen: GRRR ALEMA YOU HO HO HO
Lumiya: Jacen don't be silly.
Alema: Jacen gone dark side? OMG.

DUN DUN DUN...

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