crack fic (original) (raw)

Title: Rescue
Characters: Sergio, Varane, Benzema, Lass & passing mention of various RM players
Rating: G
Disclaimer: I checked but as far as I know, the real players do not live in my imagination therefore this is very unlikely to be true
Words: 1200 ish
Summary: No-one's seen Varane for days, so Sergio sets out to find him

A/N: Total crack that all snowballed from a weird and wonderful Twitter discussion based around this gif of Ben and Lass guarding their fellow country man

After waiting for what felt like hours until Lass finally dragged himself out of the door, yawning but still stopping for a last minute game of Rock, Paper Scissors on the doorstep, Sergio skulked up towards the luxury Madrid mansion he had just left. Sergio was lucky that Benzema didn't have any real idea of having friends or there could have been a possibility that he had ended up staying over, considering the late hour, but Lass had mentioned something about an early meeting with Jose about his place in the team in the morning, so he had to leave.

As he slowly made his way up towards the door Sergio suddenly had a feeling that this was all too easy and there must be a catch. Doubt and uncertainty began to settle right in the middle of Sergio's chest, which made him feel slightly sick, well it was either that or the seafood he'd had at lunch.

Sergio had been searching for the missing defender for days - most people had forgotten he existed and Sergio had even been forced to leave Alvaro explaining to Chori who exactly Sergio was looking for when he finally hit a break. Esteban had mentioned that while sitting on the bench in the last game, musing over what to title his next great haiku collection, he'd overheard Benzema talking to Lass about needing another chair for their French get togethers and while Esteban hadn't heard Varane's name mentioned, even Sergio had realised that the two incidences were more than likely not just coincidence. It was backed up even further when some kid called Nuri had interrupted to mention he'd last seen Varane chatting to Lass outside Valdebebas the week before.

Sergio stopped just outside the door and hoped he wasn't too late. He'd come straight here from his meeting with Granero, well with maybe just one or two stops on the way. What kind of hero would he have been if he didn't look the part? It had taken a while but he'd finally managed to get through to Cris and arranged a shopping trip - while he loved his brightly coloured jeans, they didn't work very well for stealth and you can never have too many sets of black clothes for breaking and entering.

After kitting himself out he'd taken the font of all knowledge to lunch and, while watching Xabi work his way through an entire buffet table, he managed to find out that Benzema and Lass got together every evening to listen to the latest French rap and refine their list of things to do on the bench. Sergio began to worry, nobody had seen Varane for nearly a week, that meant that Karim and Lass had potentially been brainwashing the poor boy into joining them for seven days. The strikers and midfielders might have stood for their ranks behaving that way but Sergio was not about to let one of his defenders fall to that fate. He vowed to rescue the poor boy as soon as possible but he knew it was not going to be easy.

A few hours later, following a minor battering to his credit card and rolling Xabi home to sleep off the buffet, Sergio had finally made it over to Benzema's house and sat in the car waiting until he had seen the burst of light at the door. Now, with his inner Iker telling him to stay calm and alert for any kind of incoming danger for a change, he glanced both ways before pulling out a clip from his hair and bending to pick the lock with ease.

The door swung open silently and Sergio quickly got to his feet and walked through the door carefully into an almost empty hallway. He looked round warily and froze when he heard the sound of movement through an open doorway. He looked over and saw Karim sprawled out across the only piece of furniture in the room. For a minute he panicked when he couldn't see the younger Frenchman anywhere but his fear was allayed when Varane suddenly appeared in the doorway on the other side of the room with a plate piled high with snacks.

At the sight of Sergio stood hovering over Benzema the young man merely raised an eyebrow and smiled. "Sergio. I didn't know Karim had invited you too, he didn't say anything about you visiting."

Sergio just stared at him for a moment before shaking his head, "He didn't invite me, I broke in - I came to rescue you."

Varane frowned, "Rescue me, but why?"

"Well because Karim and Lass have been keeping you here - making you listen to terrible French music and ..." Sergio stopped as Karim shifted restlessly and muttered something unintelligable in French from the sofa and watched his potential foe warily from his position by the door. He was left dumbfounded as Varane walked over and gently rubbed Karim's tummy, waiting until the striker had stopped moving around and settled back into sleep - with what Sergio could have sworn was practically a purr of contentment - before walking over to the Sevillan. "Just what on earth ...?"

"I hoped that someone would come to find me eventually but till you did I figured there were worse things to do than help Karim work on his hosting skills," the young Frenchman shrugged.

Sergio looked around the room again and realised that his earlier assessment had been wrong - he just hadn't noticed the extra chairs in the corners of the room, the table with the lamp hidden behind the sofa, the knick nacks in the window. "So you've been helping him?"

Varane shrugged apologetically "Karim's a pretty good host when he knows what he's doing but thank you for thinking of me enough to stage such a rescue"

"Rescue? I hauled myself all over Madrid trying to rescue you from Benzema and Lass and you --- you've been teaching Karim how to hold a party?"

Varane smiled slightly at Sergio's outburst. "Would you feel better if I'd been suffering? Or sitting in the corner rocking and repeating French rap lyrics over and over? "

"A little."

Varane shook his head and walked back towards the other door.

"Wait, where are you going?" Sergio's voice rose slightly in panic, his brain going into overdrive with the fear he had been too late and the poor boy had already been brainwashed as he disappeared.

Fortunately, Varane reappeared only seconds later this time holding his jacket as he walked towards Sergio. "Don't worry, I wasn't about to let you fail your rescue mission. It's not that I didn't enjoy hanging out here teaching Karim, but he had some very weird plans about the parties he wanted to throw. Now I didn't want to upset him but," he shrugged and looked down at Karim's sleeping form curled up in a corner of the sofa, "I don't want to be here when Ribery turns up to start the party."

Sergio shook his head and grinned, "Come with me and I'll show you how the Spanish party. Before we go, Karim doesn't happen to have any whipped cream going spare does he?"