losing everything on the downfall (original) (raw)

Title: losing everything on the downfall
Fandom: 90210
Pairing: Ryan/Silver
Genre: Angst/Drama
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Hah, you're joking, right? I don’t own 90210, its characters, nor the title of this story or the lyrics included. They’re from the song Downfall, by Trust Company. Go listen to it, it is made of WIN
Warnings: Language, kissage...er...crazy!Silver being crazy?
Summary: She had no reasoning of boundaries and lines you weren’t supposed to cross, not now, not for a while now, and her logic was sound, at least in her own mind...
Author's Notes: Meh, sorry this is so short, especially after an entire week of deliberating over it. Listen to the song this is based off of when you read it though, it’s sooo totally helpful. Somebody should make a music video to it, hee! I haaad to post this before tonight’s episode and I get totally Jossed though. So, yay me, dumb deadlines! Hope you enjoy it.

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Fear in me so deep, it gets the best of me In the fear I fall, here it comes, face to face with me Here I stand, hold back so no one can see I feel these wounds, step down, step down, step down

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Even after she threw his bottle of wine at him, he wouldn’t leave, wouldn’t call the cops, wouldn’t try to throw her out, merely approached her like she was a caged animal, ready to strike at him. Her blue eyes were big and wild, mascara smeared down her cheeks, he wanted to help her, goddamnit, he didn’t care about his own safety. Every step forward he took, she took a step backwards, “Stay away from me, Matthews, this is all your fault.”

He paused in his steps, tilting his head to the side in a considering way, “If it is, that’s all the more reason I’m not staying away.”

She shook her head, “I don’t know what game you think you’re playing, but it won’t work.”

“This isn’t a game, Silver, it’s real life, you and I both know that,” he took another step forward, and this time, she didn’t back down, tilting her head up to meet his gaze, “that’s why I need to help you.”

She laughed, low and bitter, “Help me? You think you can help me? Yeah right.”

“We won’t know unless you let me try.” When he finally got close enough to touch her, he was pleased when she didn’t flinch away from his hands on her shoulders.

“You can’t help me,” she continued to stare up at him with those blue eyes of hers, nobody had eyes quite like hers, “nobody can.”

He reached a hand up from her shoulder to her hair, smoothing the errant strands down, “Just let me try.”

It was his caring tone that sent her spiraling off the edge. Nobody cared but him, everybody else saw her as a problem, a burden, crazy even, but he was different, he was, and it was because of that fact that tears welled up in her eyes. His own eyes widened when she started to cry, throwing herself into his arms, “I’m not crazy, Ryan, I’m not.”

He allowed her the use of his first name, sighing through his teeth, “Nobody said you’re crazy, Silver.”

“You did,” she kept her head tucked against his shoulder, “he did.”

“I never meant it like that, you have to know that,” of course he hadn’t meant it like that, it had been a joke, just a joke, he should have realized something back then, maybe he could’ve prevented it all, “and Dixon, well…I can’t speak for him, but I’m sure he didn’t mean it either.”

She flinched at her boy…his name, “He did mean it like that, he told me to stay away from him, and I think he’s right, I think I should.”

Honestly, he didn’t know what to say to that, if she asked him for his honest opinion, he’d say they should take time apart. Not because she was “crazy”, or because he didn’t know how to handle her, but just time to figure out themselves separately, away from each other. But something told him that in her state, she would take that completely the wrong way, and that was the last thing either of them needed. So instead he kept his arms wrapped around her, stroking her hair, trying his damnedest to soothe her.

She wept bitterly, fingers curling into the lapels of his jacket, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

He turned his head, pressing a tender kiss to her temple, “We’ll figure this out, Silver, we’ll figure it out, I promise.”

She tipped her head upwards, her eyes meeting his, as blue as ever and tinged with awe, “You get it, you’re the only who gets it, you’re the only one that cares.”

And there was another of her infamous mood swings, when, not even ten minutes ago, she was screaming at him to stay away from her and throwing bottles at his head. He didn’t understand it, but he wasn’t going to push her away either, “I’m not the only one that cares.”

“You are, you might not think so, but you are.”

Before he could protest that fact, she was reaching up and kissing him. He stiffened instinctively, pulling away after only a few seconds, “What are you doing?”

She had no reasoning of boundaries and lines you weren’t supposed to cross, not now, not for a while now, and her logic was sound, at least in her own mind, “You understand what I’m going through, and I’m thanking you.”

He wanted to tell her that wasn’t how you thanked people, especially when that person was your teacher, but he couldn’t get the words out because she looked at him with those eyes, those goddamn eyes that he drowned in, “So just let me.”

And he did, God help him, he did. Her lips were pressed against his again, soft and warm, and he couldn’t help but let her have this, let her have him, this small piece of what he could give her. When her tongue ran along his bottom lip, he didn’t try to pull away, not again, he just opened his mouth to her advances, drinking her in, allowing her to have a safe haven, allowing himself the warmth of her, at least for now. It didn’t mean anything, it would never leave the room, their kiss was safe in his apartment, and that was all there was to it. His fingers framed her face, the tips sliding into her hair, and she continued to clutch at his jacket, hints of desperation and longing in the way she tasted. He knew he was a replacement, and he could accept that, because Dixon could give her something he never could, if only the idiot would allow himself to. Because she was worth it.

When he pulled back from her, her eyelashes fluttered against his skin, still damp with tears, and he frowned a little, letting his arms fall away from her, and her eyes widened a little, “Where are you going?”

The fright in her voice made his heart ache, and he reached down to brush his lips against her forehead, running a thumb beneath her left eye, “Just going to get something to clean you up.” He held up his mascara-streaked thumb to her eyelevel.

She nodded, “Right. Sorry.”

The meekness in her tone scared him more than anything else she had done thus far, because the one thing Silver never did was shy and he gave her a crooked smile, “Nothing to apologize for. I’ll be right back.”

He had just managed to fill a bowl with warm water when her voice reverberated in his ears, “I can’t stay here. I can’t do this, I’m sorry.”

She was leaving, fuck, she couldn’t leave, not until…fuck, she just couldn’t leave. He turned to leave the kitchen, entering his living room just to see his front door open and a view of her back, and he called out, “Silver!”

She kept going, kept walking, her voice a mere whisper that still managed to reach him, “Thank you.”

By the time he made it out the door, she had already gotten into her car and left, and he had no fucking clue where she was going. He leaned against his doorway, muttering a string of curses. Alright, it was time to call the cavalry. Who knew what she could do in her agitated state. He couldn’t let anything happen to her, even if it wasn’t his job or his place to look out for her. If nobody else was going to do it, he sure as hell would. He slipped back into his apartment, closing the door, as he fished in his long-discarded bag for his cell phone. He dialed a number he rarely used anymore, getting her voice mail, again, and he gritted his teeth, leaving another message, “Kelly, it’s Ryan again. Look, I don’t know what you’re doing, but this is important. Silver broke into my apartment, and she left before I could help her. I don’t know where she went, but…she really needs you, come over here as soon as you can.”

He let his phone snap shut, tossing it onto the chair she had sat in, and he took a deep breath, balling up his hands and pressing his knuckles against his eyes. She needed to be alright, nothing else mattered, as long as she was safe. If anything happened to her…for the first time in a long time, he prayed to the God he had figured had long since stopped listening to him, he’d never ask for anything else if God would just answer him this one time.

Please, God, let her be okay.

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