Weekly World News (original) (raw)

GIMME BACK MY GRUMPY MAILMAN OR HAND ME MY 12-GAUGE! I’m so fired up I just chewed through a tin can and spit out a harmonica solo! The United States Postal Service – you know, the outfit that’s been losing money since the Pony Express filed for bankruptcy. Now they want to deliver your birthday … READ MORE

(Still alive, still drunk on truth serum and White Claw, broadcasting from a derelict Cracker Barrel off I-95. The Epstein list dropped more names than a drunk karaoke night, feral hogs are unionizing, and McDonald’s ice-cream machines are officially classified as a hate crime. Let’s get hysterical! HOG QUEEN DEAR DOTTI,I’m a suburban mom in … READ MORE

A Shocking Discovery in an Unlikely Place Archaeologists in Greece were left speechless this week after an ancient woman—estimated to be over 2,000 years old—was discovered inside a discarded garbage bag. The bizarre find has stunned experts and left locals questioning how an artifact of such historical significance ended up treated like an empty yogurt … READ MORE

Folks, it’s your ol’ pal Dotti here, hunkered down in my Florida bunker with a bottle of champagne spiked with Bigfoot tears and a crystal ball that’s fogged up worse than Times Square after the ball drops. The world’s spinnin’ into 2026 faster than a chupacabra on a Red Bull bender—aliens crashin’ parties, Bat Boy … READ MORE

Folks, I’m madder than a hornet stuffed in Santa’s pants, madder than a vegan at an all-you-can-eat rib joint, madder than Hillary Clinton finding out the election was fair! I’m so dang furious I could chew tinsel and spit out razor wire! Christmas shopping used to be wholesome American fun – like a Norman Rockwell … READ MORE

BURNING BENJAMINS DEAR DOTTI,My husband just announced he’s quitting his job to become a “full-time Trump shaman.” He’s wearing a red tie as a headband, burning $100 bills “to cleanse the aura of fiat currency,” and keeps screaming “THE STORM IS COMING” at the Roomba. We have three kids, a mortgage, and a golden retriever … READ MORE

(That’s right, it’s me, your favorite red-faced ranter from the holler, spittin’ mad as a wet hen in a hailstorm. Weekly World News don’t pay me enough to put up with this hogwash, but somebody’s gotta say it!) Listen up, you pencil-necked, latte-sippin bureaucrats and their soy-boy sidekicks in Congress! Another government shutdown? AGAIN? What … READ MORE

That’s me, darlings! Still kickin’ from my underground bunker in Florida, sippin’ on moonshine spiked with AI regret. Weekly World News ain’t dead – it’s just hidin’ from the fact-checkers! Send your screams to editor@weeklyworldnews.com, or I’ll assume you’re a lizard person and eat your mail. Folks, 2025’s got us by the short hairs! Unemployment’s … READ MORE

Born in Oklahoma City, Bill Hoyland grew up with a transistor radio in one hand and a restless pen in the other. From an early age, he absorbed a kaleidoscope of musical voices—ranging from the twang of Willie Nelson to the soul-deep storytelling of Nelson Williams, from the poetic gravitas of Leonard Cohen to the … READ MORE

(And if you don’t like it, go hug a liberal pumpkin, you snowflake!) Listen up, you candy-hoarding, fog-machine-fondling freaks of the night! It’s October 31, 2025, and here I am, hunkered down in my bunker with a shotgun loaded with rock salt and a bowl of plain old Hershey bars . The kind of bars … READ MORE