Harry Leichter's Jewish Humor Page 22 (original) (raw)

Enough Jews

At the Russian War College, the general is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies. One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question, "Will we have to fight in a World War Three?"
"Yes, comrades, in all likelihood, you will," answers the general.
"And who will be our likely enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks.
"The likelihood is that it will be China."
The class looks alarmed, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?"
"Well," replies the general, "think about it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is key. For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs and the Jews have been the winners every time."
"But sir, " asks the panicky officer, "do we have enough Jews?

Messiah Delay Expected--Y2K problem cited For immediate release

Disappointing news out of Jerusalem today-delay predicted in the coming of the Messiah. A spokesman for God blamed software problems arising from Y2K bug as the source of the delay.

Recently, Heaven has been preparing for a launch of the Messianic Era. In a bit of bad luck, the selected time, Tishrei 5761, is also 2000 CE, and subject to the infamous Y2K problem. "We just didn't realize how pervasive this problem was" God said yesterday. "We thought Y2K was just a Gematriah thing. Who knew?"

The Y2K bug brought down three of Heaven's main servers and God's personal laptop during a full-up dress rehearsal simulation of the anticipated Messianic times. Heaven's spokesman would not discuss the servers for security reasons, but did mention that God uses an IBM ThinkPad, running Microsoft WorldPerfect 7 under Windows NT. Requests for comment from Microsoft went unanswered. "These computers are really a mixed blessing," God said. "I don't like to say it, but you know, 'Darned if you do, darned if you don't.'"

Heaven is waiting for a software patch from Microsoft to resolve the problem. The spokesman for Heaven said Microsoft would not promise a date for the fix. "I can tell you for a fact that Bill
Gates is not the Messiah," God commented. "But as of now, he's the only one who can bring him."

About the Software, WorldPerfect 7:

Many people are surprised to hear Heaven falling prey to the Y2K problem, but far more of them are surprised to hear that computers are even relevant "upstairs." Years ago Heaven converted from standard paper-based systems to computers. The following are excepts from a recent interview with God on this topic: "We had our first machine years ago. The hardware was big and the programs slow, but we could see that World Processing was the way to go. "In the olden days, you only had to track 613 mitzvot per Jew. No big deal. Now with all those Rabbinical decrees, minhagim, chumrahs,etc., you really need the computer. "Our first piece of software was the spreadsheet, MitzvaCalc-you know, for the Das operating system. But now of course we're much more sophisticated. We use the fully integrated world processor, WorldPerfect 7.

"Before computers, Rosh Hashanah to Yom Kippur was a nightmare around here-so much to keep track of. Between all the Teshuvah, Tefillah and Tzedakah, the "I'm sorry for this and that", it was
impossible to keep up. It would take us till Hoshana Rabbah just to count up all the points and close the books. Nowadays it all happens in real time. By Motzei Yom Kippur we have a printout in hand-how many live, how many die, who by fire, who by water, etc. Not a bad system....

Gevalt

NASA had sent many many shuttles into space to orbit the earth and made an attempt to include passengers of all races and creeds...they realized suddenly that they had excluded the clergy...so they invited a priest, a rabbi and a minister to orbit the earth in a shuttle.

Upon their return, crowds of people formed to hear their impressions.
First the priest emerged, beaming and happy, his statement full of joy.
He said, "It was totally amazing, I saw the sun rise and set, I saw the beautiful oceans."
Then the minister came out, also happy and at peace. He said, "I saw the magnificent earth, our home, I saw the majestic sun. I'm truly in awe."

Then the rabbi appeared. He was completely disheveled, his beard tangled flowing in every direction, his kipah was frayed, his tallit was wrinkled, like you can't imagine. They asked him, "Rabbi, did you enjoy the flight?"
He threw his hands up in the air crazily and replied, "ENJOY??? What was to enjoy??

Oy, oy, oy! Every five minutes the sun was rising and setting! On with the t'fillin, off with t'fillin, mincha, ma'ariv, mincha, ma'ariv!... GEVALT!!!!"

Yiddish for Lawyers

"In the heat of litigation, tempers often flare and lawyers sometimes have difficulty expressing their frustrations. When English fails, Yiddish may come to the rescue. So it happened that defense attorneys arguing in a recent summary judgment motion in federal court in Boston wrote, in a responsive pleading, 'It is unfortunate that this Court must wade through the dreck of plaintiff's original and supplemental statement of undisputed facts.' The plaintiffs' attorneys, not to be
outdone, responded with a motion that could double as a primer on practical Yiddish for lawyers....

UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT
DISTRICT OF MASSACHUSETTS
----------------------------------------------------------------
MONICA SANTIAGO, Plaintiff,
v.
SHERWIN-WILLIAMS COMPANY, et al.
Defendants.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Civ. No. 87-2799-T
PLAINTIFF'S MOTION TO STRIKE IMPERTINENT
AND SCANDALOUS MATTER
Plaintiff, by her attorneys, hereby moves this Court pursuant to Rule 12(f) of the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure to strike as impertinent and scandalous the characterization of her factual submission as "dreck" on page 11 of Defendant's Rule 56.1 Supplemental Statement of Disputed Facts (a copy of which is attached hereto as Exhibit A). As grounds therefore, plaintiff states:

1. For almost four years now, plaintiff and her attorneys have been subjected to the constant kvetching by defendants' counsel, who have made a big tsimmes about the quantity and quality of plaintiff's responses to discovery requests. This has been the source of much tsoris among plaintiff's counsel and a big megillah for the Court.

2. Now that plaintiff's counsel has, after much time and effort, provided defendants with a specific and comprehensive statement of plaintiff's claims and the factual basis thereof, defendants' counsel have the chutzpah to call it "dreck" and to urge the Court to ignore it.

3. Plaintiff moves that this language be stricken for several reasons.

First, we think it is impertinent to refer to the work of a fellow member of the bar of this Court with the Yiddish term "dreck" as it would be to use "the sibilant four-letter English word for excrement." Rosten, The Joys of Yiddish (Simon & Schuster, New York, NY 1968) p. 103.

Second, defendants are in no position to deprecate plaintiff's counsel in view of the chozzerai which they have filed over the course of this litigation.

Finally, since not all of plaintiff's lawyers are yeshiva bochurs, defendants should not have assumed that they would all be conversant in Yiddish.

WHEREFORE, plaintiff prays that the Court put an end to the mishegoss and strike "dreck."

Berel, Cherel, and Shmerel

Three Eastern European Jews named Berel, Cherel, and Shmerel were talking about moving to the US.
Berel says "when I move to America, I'm going to have to change my name.
They won't call me Berel anymore; they'll call me Buck."
Cherel says "when I move to America, I'll also have to change my name.
They'll call me Chuck."
Then Shmerel says..... "I'm not moving".

Sports Car

After years of hard work, a man who has finally made his way in business decides to treat himself and buys an extravagance: A new Lamborghini.
However, after buying it, he feels a bit guilty. So, he goes to the Rabbi of the Orthodox synagogue in his town and asks for a mezuzah (a parchment scroll placed over the doorway to bless a Jewish home) for the Lamborghini.
"You want a mezuzah for what?" the Rabbi asks.
"It's a Lamborghini," the man replies.
"What's a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi.
"A car, an Italian sports car."
"What? That is blasphemy!" the Rabbi shouts. "You want a mezuzah for a sports car? Go to the Conservatives!"
Well, the man is reluctant, so he waits a few days but finally goes to the Conservative Rabbi and asks for a mezuzah.
"You want a mezuzah for what?" the Rabbi asks.
"It's a Lamborghini," the man replies.
"What's a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi.
"A car, an Italian sports car."
"What? That is blasphemy!" the Rabbi shouts. "You want a mezuzah for a sports car? Go to the Reformed!"
Again, the man feels guilty, but finally he breaks down and goes to the Reformed Rabbi.
"Rabbi," he asks, "I'd like a mezuzah for my Lamborghini."
"You have a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi.
"You know what it is?"
"Of course! It's a fantastic Italian sports car! Can I see it?"
They go out and the Rabbi carefully looks over the entire
car, finally settling into the driver's seat.
"Well, this is fantastic," the Rabbi tells the man. "I have
only one question."
"What's that?"
"What's a mezuzah?"

Stop Sign

Alright, for those of you with time to waste online:

Suppose you're traveling to work and you see a stop sign. What do you do?
1. An average Jew doesn't bother to read the sign but will stop if the car in front of him does.
2. A fundamentalist stops at the sign and waits for it to tell him to go.
3. An Orthodox Jew does one of two things:
a) Stops at the sign, says, "Blessed art thou, O Lord our God, King of the universe, who hast given us thy commandment to stop," waits 3 seconds according to his watch, and then proceeds.
b) Takes another route to work that doesn't have a stop sign so that he doesn't run the risk of disobeying the halachah.
4. A Haredi does the same thing as the Orthodox Jew, except that he waits 10 seconds instead of 3. He also replaces his brake lights with 1000 watt searchlights and connects his horn so that it is activated whenever he touches the brake pedal.
5. An Orthodox woman concludes that she is not allowed to observe the mitzvah of stopping because she is niddah. This is a dilemma, because the stop sign is located on her way to the mikva.
6. A Talmudic scholar consults his holy books and finds these comments on the stop sign:

• R. Meir says: He who does not stop shall not live long.
• R. Hillel says: Cursed is he who does not count to three before proceeding.
• R. Shimon ben Yehudah says: Why three? Because the Holy One, blessed be He, gave us the Law, the Prophets, and the Writings.
• R. ben Yitzhak says: Becase of the three patriarchs.
• R. Yehuda says: Why bless the Lord at a stop sign? Because it says, "Be still, and know that I am God."
• R. Yehezkel says: When Jephthah returned from defeating the Ammonites, the Holy One, blessed be He, knew that a donkey would run out of the house and overtake his daughter; but Jephthah did not stop at the stop sign, and the donkey did not have time to come out. For this reason he saw his daughter first and lost her. Thus was he judged for his transgression at the stop sign.
• R. Gamaliel says: R. Hillel, when he was a baby, never spoke a word, though his parents tried to teach him by speaking and showing him the words on a scroll. One day his father was driving through town and did not stop at the sign. Young Hillel called out, "Stop, father!" In this way, he began reading and speaking at the same time. Thus it is written, "Out of the mouths of babes."
• R. ben Natan says: When were stop signs created? On the fourth day, as it is written, "Let them serve as signs."
• But R. Yehoshua says...."[continues for three more pages] 7. A Breslover Hasid sees the sign and prays, saying "Ribono shel Olam, here I am, traveling on the road in Your service, and I am about to face who knows what danger at this intersection in my life. So please watch over me and help me to get through this stop sign safely." Then, "looking neither to left nor right" as Rebbe Nachman advises, he joyfully accepts the challenge, remains focused on his goal, even as the car rolls backward for a moment, then hits the accelerator and forges bravely forward, overcoming all obstacles which the yetzer hara might put in his path.
  8. A Lubavitcher Hasid stops at the sign and reads it very carefully in the light of the Rebbe's teachings. Next, he gets out of the car and sets up a roadside mitzvah-mobile, taking this opportunity to ask other Jewish drivers who stop at the stop sign whether they have put on tefillin today or whether they light Shabbos candles. Having now settled there, he steadfastly refuses to give up a single inch of the land he occupies until Moshiach comes.
  9. A Conservative Jew calls his rabbi and asks whether stopping at this sign is required by unanimous ruling of the Commission on Jewish Law or if there is a minority position. While waiting for the rabbi's answer, he is ticketed by a policeman for obstructing traffic.
  10. A secular Jew rejects the sign as a vestige of an archaic and outmoded value system with no relevance to the modern world, and ignores it completely.
  11. a Reform Jew coasts up to the sign while contemplating the question, "Do I personally feel commanded to stop?" During his deliberation he edges into the intersections and it hit from behind by the secular Jew.
  12. A Reconstructionist Jew reasons: First, this sign is a legacy of our historic civilization and therefore I must honor it. On the other hand, since "the past has a vote and not a veto" I must study the issue and decide whether the argument in favor of stopping is spiritually, intellectually, and culturally compelling enough to be worth perpetuating. If so, I will vote with the past; if not, I will veto it. Finally, is there any way that I can revalue the stop sign's message so as to remain valid for our own time?
  13. A Renewal Movement Jew mediates on whether the stop sign applies in all of the kabbalistic Four Worlds [body-emotion-mind-spirit] or only in some of them, and if so, which ones? Must he stop feeling? thinking? being? driving? Since he has stopped to breathe and meditate on this questions, he is quite safe while he does so, barukh HaShem.
  14. A biblical scholar points out that there are a number of stylistic differences between the first and second halves of the passage "STOP." For Example, "ST" contains no enclosed areas and five line endings, whereas "OP" contains two enclosed areas and only one line termination. He concludes that the first and second parts are the work of different authors who probably lived several centuries apart. Later scholars determine that the second half is itself actually written by two separate authors because of similar stylistic differences between the "O" and "P".
  15. Because of the difficulties in interpretation, another biblical scholar amends the text, changing "T" to "H." "SHOP" is much easier to understand in this context than "STOP" because of the multiplicity of stores in the area.
  The textual corruption probably occurred because "SHOP" is so similar to "STOP" on the sign several streets back that it is a natural mistake for a scribe to make. Thus the sign should be interpreted to announce the existence of a commercial district.
  16. Yet another biblical scholar notes that the stop sign would fit better into another intersection three streets back. Clearly it was moved to its present location by a later redactor. He thus interprets the present intersection as though the stop sign were not there.
  ALRIGHT, ENOUGH ALREADY!!

Sadie and Yetta, two widows, are talking:

Sadie: "That nice Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before an answer I give him."
Yetta: "Vell.... I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like a clock.
An like such a mench he is dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from. Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but such a beautiful car... a limousine even, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for a dinner...Marvelous dinner. Kosher even. Den ve go see a show.... let me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it so much I could just PLOTZ! So then we are coming back to my apartment, and into an ANIMAL he turns. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me!"
Sadie: "Oy vey... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?
"Yetta: "No... I'm just saying that if you go, wear a shmatta."

Jewish Jeopardy

A:? Midrash
Q:? What is a Middle East skin disease?

A:? The Gaza Strip
Q:? What is an Egyptian Belly Dance?

A:? A classroom, a Passover ceremony, and a latke
Q:? What is a cheder, a seder, and a tater?

A:? Sofer
Q:? On what do Jews recline on Passover?

A:? Babylon
Q:? What does the rabbi do during some sermons?

A:? Kishka, sukkah, and circumcision
Q:? What are a gut, a hut, and a cut?

Newspaper

An elderly Jewish man is sitting on a park bench reading Farrakhan's newspaper. His best friend walks by, sees the paper, and stops -- in shock.

"What are you doing reading that paper?" he says. "You should be reading the Washington Jewish Week!"
The elderly man replies, "'The Washington Jewish Week' has stories about intermarriage, anti-Semitism, problems in Israel -- all kinds troubles of the Jewish people. I like to read about good news. Farrakhan's paper says the Jews have all the money... the Jews control the banks... the Jews control the press... the Jews control Hollywood.

Better to read nothing but good news!"

Tennis Club

Schmuel Moskovitz is denied entrance to the Grosse Point Tennis Club, because he is a Jew.

Determined to join, he takes speech lessons, learns about boats, even tries to eat corned beef on white bread with lettuce and mayonnaise. One year later he shows up wearing a conservative three-piece suit and a copy of the Wall Street Journal tucked under his arm.

They ask him questions: his name (Winthrop van Horton III), where he lives (Connecticut, of course), What is your income (I never discuss that, but I own skyscrapers in Manhattan and factories in northern NJ) and -what is your religious affiliation?

His chest swells with pride as he announces, "I am goy!"

JEWBILIATION

• BUBBEGUM n. Candy given to children by their Jewish grandmothers.
• CHUTZPAPA n. A father who wakes his wife at 4 am so she can change the baby's diaper.
• DEJA NU n. Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face but not knowing exactly when.
• FLEISHADICK n. A Jewish flasher.
• GOYFER n. A gentile messenger.
• HEBRUTE n. Israeli after shave.
• IMPASTA n. A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end of Passover.
• JEWBILATION n. Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish.
• KINDERSCHLEP vb. To transport other kids in your car besides yours.
• MATZILATION n. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.
• MISHPOCHAMARKS n. The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collars after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a Bar Mitzvah.
• RE-SHTETLEMENT n. Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo as you.
• ROSH HASHANANA n. A rock 'n roll band from Brooklyn.
• SANTASHMANTA n . The explanation Jewish children get for when they celebrate Hannukah while the rest of humanity celebrates Christmas.
• SCHMUCKLUCK n. Finding out one's wife became pregnant after one hada vasectomy.
• SHOFARSOGUT n. The relief you feel when after many attempts the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.
• TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from the Torah at one's Bar or Bat mitzvah.
• TRAYFFIC ACCIDENT n. An appetizer one finds out has pork in it after one has eaten it.
• YIDENTIFY vb. To be able to determine ethnic origins of celebrities even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis, or Taylor.

Ah---Sweet Repentence

A priest and a rabbi are discussing the pros and cons of their various religions, and inevitably the discussion turns to repentance.

The rabbi explains Yom Kippur, the solemn Day of Atonement, a day of fasting and penitence, while the priest tells him all about Lent, and its 40 days of self-denial and absolution from sins. After the discussion ends, the rabbi goes home to tell his wife about the conversation, and they discuss the merits of Lent versus Yom Kippur. She turns her head and laughs. The rabbi says, "What's so funny, dear?"

Her response, "40 days of Lent - one day of Yom Kippur...so, even when it comes to sin, the goyyim pay retail....."