Zero Wing (Genesis) review (original) (raw)

Very well; let�s get this over with:

Now, let�s all have a good laugh. Haha, it�s all mistranslated and none of it makes contextual sense! See how the phrases are taken directly from a dodgy Internet translation program -- let�s all make it into a huge meme, print it on T-shirts and quote it in chatrooms. That�ll make us cool and edgy. Why, once, I said �All your base are belong to us� in the local pub, and the only logical thing that could happen did. Chaotic orgy. I still recall the monstrous chafing.

Mistranslations don�t amuse me much. I�m above that. What does give me a sly smile now and then is how much is made of this game based on a half-arsed intro because, without that, Zero Wing would be a non entity. It�s not a good enough game to laud, and isn�t a bad enough one to tear apart. It exists; it displays some good ideas and some poor implementations and that�s it.

You can tell that it wants to exist in the same vein as Irem�s opus R-Type series, in that it plods along at a manageable pace, making the level layouts as much of a danger as the variety of enemy craft it throws your way. It�s not a fast and frantic scrolling shooter, but one that wants to be a little more cerebral. Like R-Type, it places awkward gun mounts in hard to reach places, allowing them to spit plasma at you seemingly unanswered. Like R-Type, wide open screens will often become claustrophobic and confined, cutting down your room to dodge, and prompting a threat of collision.

Unlike R-Type, it�s not very well implemented. Zero Wing is unable to define where the line between challenging and unfair really sits, so spends most of its time staying as far away form it as it can. Every now and then, it tries to make up for playing it safe. It overcompensates.

The game�s unwillingness to break genre tropes has to take a lot of the blame. As usual, you're a single craft against an evil, mistranslated alien empire, this one with ridiculous hair and eerie cyborg eyes. Your single craft, the mighty ZIG, has various upgrades available, including a pair of flanking satellites that offer a second (and third) stream of attack, and three differing bullet types that I would cycle through, but two are made crushingly obsolete by the mighty green homing missile attack.

Awkwardly placed turret?

HOMING MISSILE!

Rapidly manufactured enemy craft?

HOMING MISSILE!

Weird pinkish skull thing with a flamethrower in its mouth?

MOTHER LOVING HOMING MISSILE!

Let�s cut to the quick; in the opening stages of this game, the only deaths I had came from weaving around the screen like a loon trying desperately to avoid accidentally picking up the other variants of power-ups that would stop me from comfortably sitting in the top left corner and destroying everything the second it even considered scrolling on to the screen. Arm yourself right, and large sections of Zero Wing are sluggish journeys where you fly in a straight line and press fire to win. Sometimes a dying enemy will release a starburst of bullets your way you�ll have to dodge and, in fact, this tactic quickly becomes the game�s ace-in-the-hole. If a mid boss� constant strew of fireballs seems too easy to dodge, throw a starburst in there. It�s _Zero Wing_�s answer to everything.

Then, as you�re about to give up hope that anything of interest will come along, something like this pops up:

Scary Neon Plasma Zombie Whale is a prime example of the things Zero Wing does right. Sitting in the top corner spamming homing attacks will win you no points with Ahab�s futuristic nightmare as it spits out glowing rings of violent death that follow random, unpredictable paths. They will flood the screen and find a static target in very little time. Scary Neon Plasma Zombie Whale has no time for your pussy tactics.

Most levels are cakewalks, filled with numerous power-ups, staggered checkpoints that will mean hardly ever starting from the very beginning of a stage and a level of architecture that desperately wishes it was borrowed from Irem�s stash of deadly blueprints but really, really isn�t. Boss fights seem to have been jerked from a different game all together. Some still suck, like Stage 3�s god awful moronic hopping Blue Mech, which takes part in a stage that custom builds the perfect hiding place by taking out a chunk of ceiling in the top left hand corner. It lets you sit there and, you guessed it, plough NEVER CEASING STREAMS OF HOMING MISSILE into its face. Or Stage 4�s lame gyrocopter contraption that offers about as much offence as a damp kitten (but has that all-conquering back-up of a constant starburst weapon!) Then you�ll come across a screen-sized engine block, ploughing out non-stop plasma while a gravity-mocking space-snake slides in and out of the gears, chasing you, almost playfully, around the screen while you do your best to dodge both it and the wall of bullets coming your way.

As such, it�s hard to label Zero Wing a complete failure. It�s not like it didn�t have it�s own ideas, like a cool tractor beam feature that lets you trap smaller enemy craft to act as a kind of shield, to either absorb a hit for you, or to be thrown back in the faces of its former allies for kicks and giggles. It simply spends a great deal of its time being a paint-by-numbers scrolling shooter, and asking you to invest a lot of time plodding though its poorly paced stages to catch glances at what could have been.

Perhaps it could have been remembered as one of the better 16-bit shooters on the market, but that wasn�t to be. Instead, let�s all listen to people who have never played the game quote the �hilarious� intro until the urge to club them with a half brick becomes too strong.

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