Snatch (2000) - Quotes - IMDb (original) (raw)
Snatch
Policeman: So, what you doin here?
Turkish: I'm taking the dog for a walk. What's the problem?
Policeman: What's in the car?
Turkish: Seats and a steering wheel.
Turkish: You take sugar?
Brick Top: No thank you, Turkish; I'm sweet enough.
Tyrone: I don't want that dog dribbling on my seats.
Vinny: Your seats? Tyrone, this is a stolen car, mate.
Brick Top: Do you know what "nemesis" means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by an 'orrible cunt... me.
Turkish: What's happening with them sausages, Charlie?
Sausage Charlie: Five minutes, Turkish.
Turkish: It was two minutes five minutes ago.
Avi: Should I call you Bullet? Tooth?
Bullet Tooth Tony: You can call me Susan if it makes you happy.
Avi: Eighty-six carats.
Rosebud: Where?
Avi: London.
Rosebud: London?
Avi: London.
Avi's Colleague: London?
Avi: Yes, London. You know: fish, chips, cup 'o tea, bad food, worse weather, Mary fucking Poppins... LONDON.
Vinny: I thought you said he was a getaway driver. What the fuck can he get away from, eh?
[_Tyrone just backed into Franky Four Fingers' van_]
Tyrone: I didn't see it there.
Vinny: It's a four ton truck, Tyrone. Its not as if it's a packet of fucking peanuts, is it?
Tyrone: It was a funny angle.
[_All three turn and look back at the truck_]
Vinny: It's behind you Tyrone. Whenever you reverse, things come from behind you.
Bullet Tooth Tony: You should never underestimate the predictability of stupidity.
Brick Top: You're always gonna have problems lifting a body in one piece. Apparently the best thing to do is cut up a corpse into six pieces and pile it all together.
Sol: Would someone mind telling me, who are you?
Brick Top: And when you got your six pieces, you gotta get rid of them, because it's no good leaving it in the deep freeze for your mum to discover, now is it? Then I hear the best thing to do is feed them to pigs. You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies' digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don't want to go sievin' through pig shit, now do you? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, "as greedy as a pig".
Vinny: Well, thank you for that. That's a great weight off me mind. Now, if you wouldn't mind telling me who the fuck you are, apart from someone who feeds people to pigs of course?
Bullet Tooth Tony: So, you are obviously the big dick. The men on the side of ya are your balls. Now there are two types of balls. There are big brave balls, and there are little mincey faggot balls.
Vinny: These are your last words, so make them a prayer.
Bullet Tooth Tony: Now, dicks have drive and clarity of vision, but they are not clever. They smell pussy and they want a piece of the action. And you thought you smelled some good old pussy, and have brought your two little mincey faggot balls along for a good old time. But you've got your parties muddled up. There's no pussy here, just a dose that'll make you wish you were born a woman. Like a prick, you are having second thoughts. You are shrinking, and your two little balls are shrinking with you. And the fact that you've got "Replica" written down the side of your guns...
[_Zoom in on the side of Sol's gun, which indeed has "REPLICA" etched on the side; zoom out, as they sneak peeks at the sides of their guns_]
Bullet Tooth Tony: And the fact that I've got "Desert Eagle point five O"...
[_Withdraws his gun and puts it on the table_]
Bullet Tooth Tony: Written on the side of mine...
[_They look, zoom in on the side of his gun, which indeed has "DESERT EAGLE .50" etched on the side_]
Bullet Tooth Tony: Should precipitate your balls into shrinking, along with your presence. Now... Fuck off!
Turkish: Well the rabbit gets fucked.
Tommy: [_pauses_] Proper fucked?
Turkish: Yes, before "Zee Germans" get there.
Brick Top: In the quiet words of the Virgin Mary... come again?
Bullet Tooth Tony: A bookie's got blagged last night.
Avi: Blagged? Speak English to me, Tony. I thought this country spawned the fucking language, and so far nobody seems to speak it.
Mickey: Good dags. D'ya like dags?
Tommy: Dags?
Mickey: What?
Mrs. O'Neil: Yeah, dags.
Tommy: Oh, dogs. Sure, I like dags. I like caravans more.
Avi: You got a toothbrush? We're going to London. Do you hear that, Doug? I'm coming to London.
[_Avi arrives in London_]
Doug the Head: Avi!
Avi: Shut up and sit down, you big, bald fuck. I don't like leaving my own country, Doug, and I especially don't like leaving it for anything less then warm sandy beaches, and cocktails with little straw hats.
Doug the Head: We've got sandy beaches...
Avi: So? Who the fuck wants to see 'em? I hope you appreciate the concern I have for my friend Franky, Doug. I'm gonna find him, and you're gonna help me find him, and we're gonna start at that fight.
Boris 'The Blade' Yurinov: [_referring to Tommy's gun_] Heavy is good, heavy is reliable. If it doesn't work you can always hit them with it.
[_first lines_]
Turkish: [_narrating_] My name is Turkish. Funny name for an Englishman, I know. My parents to be were on the same plane when it crashed. That's how they met. They named me after the name of the plane. Not many people are named after a plane crash. That's Tommy. He tells people he was named after a gun, but I know he was really named after a famous 19th century ballet dancer.
Bullet Tooth Tony: Boris the Blade? As in Boris the Bullet-Dodger?
Avi: Why do they call him the Bullet-Dodger?
Bullet Tooth Tony: 'Cause he dodges bullets, Avi.
Brick Top: I don't care if he's Muhammad "I'm hard" Bruce Lee. You can't change fighters.
Brick Top: Listen, you fucking fringe, if I throw a dog a bone, I don't want to know if it tastes good or not. You stop me again whilst I'm walking, and I'll cut your fucking Jacobs off.
Turkish: [_looks at the caravan_] Look at it. How am I suppose to run this thing from that? We'll need a proper office. I want a new one, Tommy. You're going to buy it for me.
Tommy: Why me?
Turkish: Well, you know about caravans.
Tommy: How's that?
Turkish: You spent a summer in one, which means you know more than me. And I don't want to have my pants pulled down over the price.
Tommy: What's wrong with this one?
Turkish: [_Pulls the caravan's door from its hinges_] Oh, nothing, Tommy. It's tiptop. It's just I'm not sure about the colour.
Customs official: Anything to declare?
Avi: Yeah. Don't go to England.
Franky Four Fingers: So the Biblical scholars mis-translated the Hebrew word for "young woman" into the Greek word for "virgin," which was a pretty easy mistake to make, since there is only a subtle difference in the spelling. But back then it was the "virgin" that caught people's attention. It's not every day a virgin conceives and bears a son. So you keep that for a couple of hundred years, and the next thing you know, you have the Holy Catholic church.
[_Doug sees four Jewish kids smoking_]
Doug the Head: What are you doing?
Jewish Boy: [_spits_] It's a free country, ain't it?
Doug the Head: Well it ain't a free shop, is it? So fuck off!
Gorgeous George: Get back down or you will not be coming up next time.
[_watches as Mickey warms up_]
Gorgeous George: Oh, bollocks to you. This is sick. I'm out of here.
Mickey: You're not going anywhere, you thick lump.
[_Pulls off his shirt_]
Mickey: You stay until the job's done.
[_kisses his good luck charms and knocks Gorgeous out with a single punch_]
Turkish: [_narrating_] It turned out that the sweet-talking, tattoo-sporting pikey was a gypsy bare-knuckle boxing champion. Which makes him harder than a coffin nail. Right now, that's the last thing on Tommy's mind. If Gorgeous doesn't wake up in the next few minutes, Tommy knows he'll be buried with him. Why would the gypsies go through the trouble of explaining why a man died in their campsite when they can bury the pair of them and just move camp? It's not like they got social security numbers, is it? Tommy - the tit - is praying. And if he isn't, he fucking should be.
Brick Top: What do you think, Errol?
Errol: I think we should drip-dry them, Guv'nor, while we have the chance.
Brick Top: It was a rhetorical question, Errol. What have I told you about thinking?
Vinny: Why are we stopped here? What's wrong with that spot?
Tyrone: It's too tight.
Vinny: Too tight? You could land a jumbo fucking jet in that.
Sol: He's a natural, ain't you Tyrone?
Tyrone: 'course I am...
[_reverses into parked van_]
Vinny: A natural fucking idiot.
Turkish: Have you ever crossed the road, and looked the wrong way? A car's nearly on you? So what do you do? Something very silly. You freeze. Your life doesn't flash before you, 'cause you're too fuckin' scared to think - you just freeze and pull a stupid face. But the pikey didn't. Why? Because he had plans of running the car over.
Sol: I'm not in here to make a fucking bet.
Female Bookie: 'Preciated, but all... bets... are... off. If all bets are off, then there can't be any money can't there?
Sol: I'm not fucking buying that.
Female Bookie: Well that's handy, 'cause I ain't fucking selling it. It's a fact.
Avi: I'm gettin' heartburn. Tony, do something terrible.
Turkish: Fuck me, hold tight. What's that?
Tommy: It's me belt, Turkish.
Turkish: No, Tommy. There's a gun in your trousers. What's a gun doing in your trousers?
Tommy: It's for protection.
Turkish: Protection from what? "Zee Germans"?
Tommy: Who took the jam outta your doughnut?
Turkish: You took the fucking jam outta my doughnut, Tommy. You did.
Vinny: What the fuck do you mean, replicas?
Sol: They look the shit, don't they? And nobody is gonna argue. And I've got some extra loud blanks, just in case.
Vinny: In... Oh, in case we have to deafen them to death?
Mickey: I'll tell ya what. I'll do it for a caravan.
Turkish: For what?
Pikeys: For a caravan.
Tommy: It was us who wanted a caravan.
[_looking around_]
Tommy: Anyway, what's wrong with this one?
Mickey: It's not for me. It's for me ma.
Turkish: Your what?
Pikeys: His ma.
Avi: Tony.
Bullet Tooth Tony: What?
Avi: Look in the dog.
Bullet Tooth Tony: What do you mean "look in the dog?"
Avi: I mean open him up.
Bullet Tooth Tony: It's not as if it's a tin of baked beans! What do you mean "open him up"?
Turkish: You show me how to control a wild fucking gypsy and I'll show you how to control an unhinged, pig-feeding gangster.
Vinny: Did he have four fingers?
Sol: I'm sorry, I couldn't get the bin-noc-u-lars out in time.
Sol: You ain't from this planet are you, Vincent? Who is gonna mug two black fellas, holding pistols, sat in a car that is worth less than your shirt?
[_while robbing the bookies_]
Sol: Are you all right there Vincent?
Vinny: I would be if you stopped using my name.
Boris 'The Blade' Yurinov: [_after shooting Frankie_] Drop the gun, fat boy.
[_Tyrone does_]
Boris 'The Blade' Yurinov: [_re: Frankie_] You fucking idiots! He could not know my name. Give me the stone.
Vinny: [_pointing_] It's in the case.
Boris 'The Blade' Yurinov: What?
[_takes out his earplugs_]
Vinny: It's in the case!
Boris 'The Blade' Yurinov: You put the stone in the case? Then open the case and give me the stone.
Sol: The only man who knew the combination... you just shot.
Boris 'The Blade' Yurinov: [_mutters_] Yob tvoyu mat...
[_Russian, "fuck your mother"_]
Turkish: Well, do you want to do it?
Mickey: That depends.
Turkish: On what?
Mickey: On you buying this caravan. Not the rouge one, the rose.
Turkish: It's not the same caravan.
Mickey: It's not the same fight.
Turkish: It's twice the fucking size of the last one.
Mickey: Turkish, the fight is twice the size. And me ma still needs a caravan. I like to look after me ma. It's a fair deal. Take it.
Turkish: Mickey, you're lucky we aren't worm food after your last performance. Buying a tart's mobile palace is a little fucking rich.
[_Realizes his mistake_]
Turkish: I wasn't calling your mum a tart. I just meant...
Mickey: Ah, save your breath for cooling your porridge. Now, look...
Mickey: She wants the Hector-2 roof lights, uh... the stylish ash-framed furniture and the scatter cushions with the matching shag pile covering.
Mickey: Right. And she's terrible partial to the periwinkle blue, boys. Have I made myself clear, boys?
Turkish: Yeah, that's perfectly clear, Mickey. Yeah... just give me one minute to confer with my colleague.
[_to Tommy_]
Turkish: Did you understand a single word of what he just said?
Errol: Fuckface, who's speaking to you? He asked him, didn't he?
Turkish: Fuckface... I like that one Errol. I'll have to remember that one next time I'm climbing off yer mum.
Brick Top: Do you know what nemesis means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent, personified in this case by a 'orrible cunt, me.
Sol: What the fuck is that?
Vinny: Heh heh. This is a shotgun, Sol.
Sol: It's a fucking anti-aircraft gun, Vincent.
Vinny: Well I wanna raise some pulses, don't I?
Sol: You'll raise Hell. Never mind pulses.
[_looking at the video of Sol and Vinny, trapped in the foyer of the bookie's by the security door_]
Brick Top: Do you know these tits, Errol?
Errol: I know a lot of tits, Guv'nor. But I don't know any quite as fucking stupid as these two.
Brick Top: John?
John: I can't help, Guv.
[_Tyrone pokes his head in the door_]
Errol: Ah, Tyrone.
Bullet Tooth Tony: Avi, pull your socks up.
[_Avi finally understands his lingo and drops to the ground_]
Brick Top: You're on thin fucking ice my pedigree chums, and I shall be under it when it breaks. Now, fuck off.
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