Anthology Of Interest II Transcript at IMSDb. (original) (raw)

FUTURAMA

                                   Episode 403

"ANTHOLOGY OF INTEREST II"

                                       By

           Lewis Morton, David X. Cohen, Jason Gorbett & Scott Kirby

                     Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet


           [Opening Credits. Caption: Hey TiVo! Suggest This!]

           [Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. The Professor hits his What 
           If? machine with a hammer.]

FARNSWORTH There. I've finished fine tuning my What If? machine. It can answer any What If? question, accurate to within 1/10th of a plausibility unit. LEELA That's so plausible I can't believe it! FARNSWORTH Who wants the machine to show them an alternate reality? [Bender steps forward.]

BENDER I wanna know what would happen if I were human. I mean, being a robot's great but we don't have emotions and sometimes that makes me very sad. FARNSWORTH Oh lordy loo! There he goes again. Well, let's give baby what he wants. What if Bender were human? [He pulls a string.]

           [What If? Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Bender is strapped 
           to a table with the crew gathered around him.]

FARNSWORTH Good news everyone. I've discovered a way to make Bender human using a process I call "reverse fossilisation." LEELA How does it work?

FARNSWORTH Well, in regular fossilisation, flesh and bone turn to minerals. Realising that, it was a simple matter to reverse the process. I've already tested it by turning the toaster into a racoon. [He puts the racoon on a table. It runs around a bit before two slices of toast pop out of it. Fry takes a bite.] FRY Kinda gamey.

FARNSWORTH Are you ready Bender?

BENDER I dunno. I'm beginning to have second thoughts - [Farnsworth throws a switch and Bender is zapped with electricity in a fashion resembling the countless Frankenstein films. He slowly starts to take human form. He grows hair, a nose and...] HERMES Cover your shame mon!

           [He puts some underpants on Bender. The table tips up and human 
           Bender walks off. Everyone gasps.]

FARNSWORTH It worked! Eat it everyone who never won a Nobel Prize! And that includes you Amy! [Amy cries. Bender looks at his new self.]

BENDER So this is the human body huh? Neat! Hey, my antenna's gone. Nah it just moved. I'm not getting good reception on it though. Maybe if I wiggle it around a little. FRY (WHISPERING) Bender no! You'll make God cry.

BENDER Well lets see what kind of things thing body can do. Hey that's pretty fun. Being human is great! [He vomits again. Zoidberg cheers.]

ZOIDBERG Hooray, its just like Mardis Gras! [What If? Planet Express: Meeting Room. Bender walks out of the men's room.] BENDER Guy guys, you've gotta see this. You're not gonna believe it! LEELA Bender it's OK to be pround but don;t be a show off. [Bender looks Amy up and down.]

BENDER Whoa, you look a lot better than you used to for some reason. AMY (SEXFULLY) You're not so bad yourself big boy. [She kisses him.]

BENDER Hey that felt great! Nah its not working anymore. FARNSWORTH Speak for yourself!

           [What If? O'Zorgnax's Pub. Bender downs a glass of beer and lights 
           up a cigar.]

BENDER Whoa, this is awesome!

LEELA Bender you drank and smoked when you were a robot. BENDER But now its bad for me! Woo!

           [He picks up another glass. Fry slides a box of nachos onto the 
           bar.]

FRY Speaking of which, try these nachos. [Bender tastes one and his eyes widen with delight. He starts scoffing the rest of them.] BENDER Mmm, why didn't anyone tell me tasting things tasted so good? What's going on? That rhythm. Its doing something to my human butt. [He stands up and starts to dance still holding his beer, cigar and some nachos.] AMY Bender, part of being human is having self control. BENDER Oh my God I bet I can eat nachos and go to the bathroom at the same time! [He picks up the box of nachos but everyone else restrains him.] AMY No Bender.

HERMES No!

LEELA Stop him.

BENDER Let me go.

LEELA No.

FARNSWORTH Come Bender, its time to go home and rest. I need you in top shape next week when I present you to the Nobel Prize committee. Bender? [Bender climbs out of a window.]

           [Cut to: Street. Bender runs down the street cheering.]

BENDER (SHOUTING) Goodbye moderation!

           [What If? Bar. Bender dances with two girls to Conga still with 
           a glass of beer and a hot dog.]
           [Cut to: Street. He walks out of D.U.I. Friday's and into Dinkin' 
           Donuts.]
           [Time Lapse. He leaves a little while later with his arms around 
           two girls.]
           [What If? Academy Of Science. A week later Farnsworth and the 
           rest of the crew are at the Nobel Prize committee for the judging. 
           Farnsworth is on the stage at a podium trying to buy some time 
           while Amy and Zoidberg sit at a table together.]

ZOIDBERG Is Bender still missing for a week? Where is he already? FARNSWORTH Uh as I've said before, I used reverse fossilisation, which is the reverse of regular, uh... [He wipes his brow. Fry pokes his head out from behind a curtain.] FRY (WHISPERING) Psst, we found him!

FARNSWORTH Ah, them without further stalling for time, I present to the Nobel judges, the first robot ever turned into a human. [The curtain slides back. Bender is a huge fat blob. He groans. The scientists gasp.] WERNSTRUM My God, he needs medical attention! [Zoidberg scans Bender.]

ZOIDBERG Pulse...300, liver...failing, cholesterol...40? LEELA Well that's not so bad.

ZOIDBERG No I mean 40 pounds!

           [Farnsworth continues but a little shaken.]

FARNSWORTH This, uh, scientific breakthrough, uh, heralds a new dawn in human-robot relations yes. [Bender groans and looks at a woman.]

BENDER C'mere and give old Bender a kiss.
Hey, you like grilled cheese? [He takes some grilled cheese out from under a roll of flab.] FARNSWORTH And, uh thats why I believe I deserve the Nobel Prize. WERNSTRUM Not only do you not deserve a Nobel Prize for loosing this bloated man-ball on the world but you are hereby kicked out of the Academy Of Science. [The scientists cheer and applaud.]

BENDER Wait. As men of science are not your minds open to new ideas? I say, do not judge me until you have tried my way of life for yourselves. [The scientists look at each other.]

WERNSTRUM Young man, you have opened our minds and swayed our hearts. Let us therefore - BENDER (SHOUTING) Party!

           [Zoidberg puts Conga on a jukebox and warbles. Enter Fry with 
           a keg and Amy and Hermes with food.]

FARNSWORTH Weee!

           [Time Lapse. The druken scientists are asleep and sitting around 
           in their underwear.]

WERNSTRUM Bender, you were right! Truly you have lived more in your one week of being human than the rest of us have in our entire lives. BENDER Woo!

WERNSTRUM And so to recognise your achievements I hereby award you the Nobel Prize......in uh......chemistry! [Everyone applauds.]

FARNSWORTH Care to say a few words Bender?

           [Bender doesn't. Fry moves his hand across Bender's eyes.]

FRY He's dead.

           [Everyone gasps.]

WERNSTRUM When did he die?

           [Farnsworth checks Bender's pulse.]

FARNSWORTH About 12 hours ago when the party started. WERNSTRUM But he just said "Woo."

FARNSWORTH No. That was air escaping from the folds of his fat. Goodnight sweet prince. You were the greatest man any of us will ever know. Well lets get him out of here. He's starting to smell up the joint. [The rest of the crew roll Bender out and woos along the way.] NARRATOR You watched it, you can't unwatch it. Stay tuned for more Tales Of Interest! [The What If? Scenario ends.]

           [Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab.]

FARNSWORTH Who else has a question for the What If? machine? Scruffy? Katrina? Xanfor? FRY Ooo I have one. I'm good at video games and bad at everything else. That's why I wish life were more like a video game. FARNSWORTH Can you put that in the form of a question? FRY Uh, What if that thing I said?

           [Farnsworth lights a stick of incense.]

FARNSWORTH Oh great machine we beseech thee. What if life were more like a video game? [What If? A video game ship flies around shoots some asteroids like in the game Asteroids and lands in the Planet Express hangar.] [Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Enter the crew, back from a mission. Farnsworth and Hermes are sat on the couch watching Nixon in the TV.] NIXON [ON TV] Good evening ignorant pigs. Put down your crack pipes and you beer bongs and pay attention as I sign a historic peace accord with Ambassador Kong of planet Nintendu 64. [Donkey Kong stands next to Nixon holding a barrel over his head.] FRY Wait a second, I know that monkey. His name is Donkey. FARNSWORTH Monkies aren't donkies! Quit messing with my head! [Cut to: UN Building.]

NIXON I'll just put the old John Q. Nixon on it. There. No major crap ups. You're on Mr Ambassador! What the? [Donkey Kong throws the barrel at Nixon and his jar goes flying. Everyone gasps. Donkey Kong climbs a ladder.] [Cut to: Outside UN Building. Donkey Kong bounces along the roof and the floors collapse like in Donkey Kong.] [Cut to: UN Building. Mario, the Italian representative, stands up.] MARIO Mama Mia! The cruel meatball of war has rolled onto our laps and ruined our white pants of peace! [He runs off.]

           [What If? MilAtari HQ. The crew and a miliatari guy walk down 
           a corridor.]

MAN Mr Fry rumour has it you know the secrets of the video game Chance. Please step into the war room. [A message on the war room door tels them they need the blue key to enter. The man holds up the blue key and the door opens.] [Cut to: War Room.]

MAN You'll be meeting with General Colin Pac-man. PAC-MAN Wakka wakka wakka wakka. Lets get down to business. What can you tell us about the Nintendians? FRY Well sir, I spent all of ninth grade studying them. Except for that day when my eyeballs started to bleed. And in my opinion. [A building outside explodes. Everyone gasps.]

PAC-MAN Quickly, to the escape tunnels!

           [Everyone runs off wakka-wakka-ing.]

           [Cut to: Pac-man Screen.]

PAC-MAN This way damn it!

           [Zoidberg eats the pellet thingies.]

ZOIDBERG Mmm, delicious! Just like stale marshmellows! Ooo and a cherry! [He eats it and carries on running. He starts chasing Fry.] FRY Hey watch out!

           [He eats him.]

ZOIDBERG Uh oh!

LEELA Oh my god, he ate Fry! Fry is dead! [Fry slides up behind them,]

FRY Its OK, I had another guy!

           [Everyone cheers.]

           [What If? Outside Planet Express. Everyone comes out of the end 
           of the escape tunnel and are very tired.]

PAC-MAN Wakka...wakka wa...

           [Zoidberg coughs up five pellets, a pixelated cherry, a pixelated 
           pretzel and a key. A shadow creeps over them. Spaceships start 
           destroying buildings.]

LEELA Invaders! Possibly from space!

           [Cut to: Outside Lrrr's Ship. He opens a window and pokes his 
           head out.]

LRRR People of Earth, I am Lrrr of the planet Nintendu 64. Tremble in fear at our three different kinds of ships! [Cut to: Outside Planet Express.]

FRY Alright, its Saturday night. I have no date, a two litre bottle of Shasta, and my all Rush mix tape! Let's rock! [What If? Player's Ship. Fry stands at an arcade console listening to Rush's Tom Sawyer. He uses the console to control his ship and attack the Space Invaders. He shoots and destroys a few ships.] [Cut to: Lrrr's Ship.]

ND-ND We're losing ships sir. What are your orders? LRRR Increase speed, drop down and reverse direction! [And they do.]

           [Cut to: Player's Ship. Fry gulps down some Shasta.]

FRY I've still got a trick or two up my sleeve. Watch as I fire up through our own shields. [Everyone gasps.]

BENDER He's a madman! A madman!!

           [Fry fires up through the shield and destroys several more ships.]

PAC-MAN It's working. Victory is ensured! My retirement tomorrow will be all the sweeter! I'm hit! So cold! [He folds over and dies. Enter Ms Pac-man crying.]

MS PAC-MAN (CRYING) No - wakka wakka!

FRY Amy, tend to the widow pac-man.

           [Ms Pac-man cries and wakkas.]

           [Cut to: Outside Lrrr's Ship. He opens the window.]

LRRR Drop down and increase speed.

           [Fry destroys another ship. Only Lrrr's ship remains.]

           [Cut to: Outside Player's Ship. Zoidberg looks up through the 
           window.]

ZOIDBERG One ship is left only.

           [Cut to: Player's Ship. Everyone cheers.]

LEELA Come on Fry get it!

FRY [SWEATING] It's moving too fast. Oh I could never get the last one. My brother always got it for me! [Everyone screams.]

           [Cut to: Outside Lrrr's Ship. His ship cuts through Fry's shields. 
           Lrrr opens the window.]

LRRR Drop down, reverse direction, prepare for landing. [His ship lands. A caption appears. War Over. Congratulations Enter Initials. Fry enters "ASS" and chuckles.] [What If? Outside Planet Express. The crew are assembled outside Lrrr's ship. Some steps come down and several arcade characters get out along with Lrrr.] LRRR You are defeated. Instead of shooting where I was you should have shot where I was going to be. BESERK All your base are belong to us.

FRY What do you monsters want?

DONKEY KONG One thing and one thing only. Quarters! A million allowances worth of quarters! No slugs or tokens! BESERK Fork 'em over! (different tone) Fork 'em over! FARNSWORTH Forget it you pixelated pirates. We need those quarters to do our laundry. AMY Yeah!

BENDER Right on!

LEELA Sure thing Professor!

LRRR But, but space invaders need to do laundry too! I mean look at Donkey Kong here. Have you smelled his loincloth lately? ZOIDBERG Yes.

AMY Go away. We're not giving you our quarters no matter what. LRRR Well...then what if we throw our laundry in with yours? Would that be acceptable? FRY I guess so.

           [Lrrr takes off his cape.]

LRRR OK then, that settles that. But if this cape shrinks, consider your species extinct! NARRATOR Bravo! That'll be hard to top! I pity the next Tale Of Interest! [The What If? Scenario ends.]

           [Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab.]

FARNSWORTH Well, there's time for one last question. Let's turn to the Who Ask machine to see who's next. [He turns the machine on.]

WHO ASK MACHINE Um uh um...Amy. I mean Leela.

           [Amy groans.]

LEELA OK, ahem. As an alien who was abandoned on Earth, I've never really belonged anywhere. BENDER Boo hoo.

           [She hits him on the back of the head and his eyes fly out and 
           hit Fry.]

FRY Ow!

           [Bender looks around for his eyes.]

BENDER Uh...where?

LEELA So my question is this: What if I found my true home? Ow! [She falls over unconcious.]

           [Cut to: Leela's Dream. Everything is brown and white like in 
           Wizard Of Oz. Nibbler wakes up Leela who is dressed like Dorothy. 
           Leela looks around. She is in the Planet Express ship.]

LEELA Where are we?

           [A tornado blows around the ship outside. Scruffy, the man witch, 
           flies past on a broom. He laughs evily but then can't be bothered 
           and flies away. The ship crash lands.]
           [Outside Ship. Leela climbs down the steps. The ship is on its 
           side.]

LEELA Nibbler, I don't think we're in New New York anymore. Jeez, apparently the phrase tone it down doesn't exist on this planet. Oh no! We hit someone! Quick, back into the ships. Ooo, nice boots! [Nibbler sniffs them but recoils in horror. Enter Cubert, Dwight, Tinny Tim, a gay Neptunian elf, a grunka-lunka and Glurmo all dressed in weird stuff.] CUBERT Look everyone! She killed the man-witch of the west! [Everyone cheers.]

LEELA A witch? That explains how these boots magically appeared on my feet. GLURMO No, you stole them, we saw you.

LEELA Well...its hard to find shoes that fit me. So anyway, who are you people? Haven't I seen you in some copyrighted movie? GLURMO (SINGING) We resemble but are legally distinct from the lollipop guild, the lollipop - [Nibbler eats him. Enter Amy in a bubble.]

AMY Greetings Leela, I'm The Cute With Of The North! LEELA Yeah, can anyone fix my ship so I can get home? AMY Abracaduh! Just ask the Professor! He lives in the Emerald Laboratory down Martin Luther King Boulevard. LEELA You mean that yellow brick road?

AMY The city council renamed it in 1975. (sarcastic) Ooo those are great shoes! LEELA Oh thank you.

AMY Do they come in women's sizes?

           [Leela presses a button on her wristamajig and the steps come 
           out of the ship and crush Amy.]
           [Martin Luther King Boulevard. Leela walks down the road and 
           passes a scarecrow in a field that looks like Fry. A crow lands 
           on some corn.]

FRY OK crow, prepare to be scared. And then - honk honk - the car honked it's own horn! LEELA Wow, a talking scarecrow. Wanna come with us to see the Professor? He might be able to give you a brain. FRY Hey, that's not a nice thing to say. BENDER Beer. Beer.

LEELA Whiskey OK?

           [She pours some into his mouth, he belches fire and sets fire 
           to Fry's arm. Fry pats out the flames.]

BENDER Now did you say you were off to see the Professor? 'Cause I could use a heart. A human heart. I need to pump a lot of blood out of my basement. [Enter Zoidberg in a yellow cab.]

ZOIDBERG And I'm the other guy. Courage. Not enough of it. Need some from whatshisname. [Time Lapse. They all skip down the yellow brick boulevard.] [Cut to: Mom's Castle. The evil witch Mom watches it on her TV. The TV picture goes funny and she hits the TV repeatedly.] MOM Damn this DSL! Fly my stupids! Fly out and get them! IGNER But Mom, you promised you'd make monkey cake today. MOM By "monkey cake" I meant your ass. [She slaps them and they fly away.]

           [Cut to: Martin Luther King Boulevard. The foursome are still 
           skipping along.]

FRY Man, we've been skipping for hours. I need to pull over and take the wiz. [Walt, Larry and Igner swoop down and take Fry, Leela and Bender.] ZOIDBERG What do I smell or something? Oh! [Mom's Castle.]

LEELA Why did you bring us here?

ZOIDBERG And why did I have to take a cab?

MOM I'll tell you why I brought you here you twice baked barf bag. Because I've always wanted a daughter to love. You want to get adopted you little skank? LEELA And live here? And be a witch like you? Yeah, alright. As long as I get to hurt people and not just dance around at the equinox. MOM Absolutely.

LEELA Oh mommy, I found my true home!

           [They hug. Zoidberg, Fry and Bender cheer.]

BENDER Hooray!

ZOIDBERG All right!

FRY That's great Leela.

BENDER I've heard worse excuses to drink.
Oops. [Purple smoke starts to come from Mom.]

MOM I'm melting! Who would have thought a small amount of liquid would ever fall on me? BENDER Well, no point in letting her go to waste. [He pulls a straw out of his chest cavity and starts drinking the puddle of Mom.] [Outside The Professor's Laboratory. A cab pulls up outside the green building which looks like the Planet Express building and everyone gets out. Leela knocks on the door. Hermes opens a peephole.] HERMES [FROM INSIDE] Yes?

LEELA We're here to see the Professor.

HERMES [FROM INSIDE] No one sees the mighty Professor.

LEELA Oh for the love of Benji.

           [She pokes him in the eyes and opens the door. The four walk 
           in.]
           [Cut to: The Professor's Laboratory. Farnsworth, with a big head, 
           stands behind a curtain.]

FARNSWORTH I am the Professor. Great and...uh...forgetful! Now what do you nice kids want? ZOIDBERG Nothing, I'm leaving. But if you have extra courage I'd haul it away for you maybe? FARNSWORTH Oh blithery poop my cowardly lobster! You don't need courage. Afterall, who needs courage when you have a gun? [He hands Zoidberg a gun and he pretends to shoot it.]

ZOIDBERG Now world, you put your hands up!

FARNSWORTH And you lad, all you need is brain. FRY Why does everyone keep saying that? [Bender takes Zoidberg's gun.]

BENDER This is a stick up. Give me the bag old man! [Farnsworth chuckles.]

FARNSWORTH Here you go my friend. 5000 Professor Land fun bucks! BENDER Oh crap.

           [Farnsworth turns to Leela.]

FARNSWORTH As for you young lady, you want to go home right? LEELA No not anymore. I wanna stay here and become the new Wicked Witch. FARNSWORTH Nonsense. Now click your big honking boots together three times and wish to go home to Kansas, to live in poerty with your dirt farming, teetotalling aunt and uncle. LEELA Uh, alright. Here I go. There's no place like - I wanna be a witch! Oh no, help, what's happening? ZOIDBERG Uh sorry, I think there's a problem with your upstairs toilet. [Leela melts some more.]

           [Cut to: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Bender throws a bucket 
           of water on her and she wakes up.]

BENDER Wake up!

           [Leela coughs and splutters.]

FRY Leela, are you alright? You got wanged on the head. LEELA I was having the most wonderful dream. Except you were there and you were there and you were there. FRY Never mind Professor, she came to. [Enter Farnsworth with a box marked Leela's Organs.]

FARNSWORTH Oh, so close.

           [Hermes puts his hand on Farnsworth's shoulder.]

HERMES There's always next year Professor, there's always next year. THE END