(original) (raw)

Well, Ladies and Gentlemen! Since we *knew* you'd be waiting for this with *baited* breath, Pope Innocenti decreed that SmurfCODE(TM) 1.04 shall be posted today. But first, a bit of background, courtesy of the Righteous Babe... Recently, President of Vice, PieceMaker, Righteous Babe, and Pope Innocenti were like sitting in a McDonalds trying to hatch a diabolical scheme as cyanoid separatists. We were planning to smuggle hidden caches of *cute* and *sweet* into people's coffee. We haven't figured out how to mask the blue color, however. We have other *smart* ideas, though. OK, we confess! It's true! We are trying to establish an effete core of impudent snobs to combat those nattering nabbobs of negativism throughout the world. Yes, we even have an *extra* secret plan to force you to *love*everyone* and *giggle* all the time. Why not? *We* do! We *might* want to promote a false sense of being an outsider. (Who's asking?) So that we can identify our targets more readily, we have developed the following, introductory, almost absolute, completely mandatory *extra*super*sillious* Smurfcode. Please include your code on all postings to soc.motss, so your documents can be appropriately categorized and filed. (Those articles containing keywords surrounded by stars will automatically be included in our new, improved Smurfbase.) ----------------------- SmurfCODE(TM) 1.04 ------------------------------- (c) Copyright 1990, by The SmurfGANG, Inc. A word about the code: The smurfcode was developed painstakingly by *very*small*, *blue*, *cute*little*creatures* called Smurfs, organized into a maternal botherhood called the Smurf Gang. Smurfs are *loveable*, *cuddly* beings who *love* to be *squeezed* ever-so-gently. They especially like *blueberry*ice*cream*. They occasionally ring *cute*little*bells*. And they just want to be *your*friends*. Certain smurfs are particularly good at defending Canada against invaders, marketing Smurf products, presiding over vice, acting very innocent or pompous, describing the historical value of Smurfs, howling at the moon, speaking in Smurf Lingo (Smurf's up!), etc. Since Smurfs and their *friends* have so many varied qualities, we have devised a *really*neat* method for uniquely identifying them. Furthermore, since Smurfs and Bears now intermingle frequently, the Smurfcode is deliberately orthogonal to Bearcode version 1.7. Characteristic letters from both systems may be intermingled to form a Smurfurr code or a Bluebear code. The most obvious characteristic of a Smurf is its giggle, so we logically begin there. Using a capital "S" to denote "SMURF", we have added a sub-class characterizing silliness, which combines a smurf's tee-hee, chortle, guffaw, and overall humor qualities, unambiguously numbered 0 to 9 as follows: 0 - (Little/no humor, or incredibly sparse) We're talking Mona Lisa here. One would never mistake such a meager smile for a smirk. Postings from these Smurfs are invariably serious, though they take undisplayed joy in humorous postings by others. 1 - (VERY slight smirk) This is the kind of smirk people display when they want to signal to other Smurf's that they MIGHT be a Smurf. No raised eyebrows appear. No erect tongue-in-cheek. Usage indicates probable closet smurf. 2 - (Smirk) This unmistakable characteristic indicates an unabashed delight in the silliness of others, but may indicate non-participation. These Smurfs never post original, humorous articles on their own, but they may, rarely, followup with a smart-remark. 3 - (Tee-hee) A giggle in all respects, but very quiet. 4 - (Laugh) Occasionally makes light fun of self or others, particularly friendly others. Enjoys a good joke. 5 - (Chortle) Makes light fun of self or others. 6 - (Chortle Plus) Makes light fun of self, world, or others. Has been known to laugh at PSAT, SAT, GRE, GMAT test or final exam questions, during the examination period. 7 - (Guffaw or Meep) Can make fun of most things, including obnoxious people or situations. 8 - (Snort) Loves to make fun of anything. This can border on bad-taste, but appreciators abound. 9 - (Snort with Acrobatics) Intrusively humorous in finding fun. Wildly ridiculous, often ignored or disliked. Zany. Wacky. Using this scheme, one can narrow a creature down to a subclass, though occasional intractables fall between two classes. The end result is left to the creature classifying. One may use a hybrid designation for those who vary across time (example: S0/9). The number closest to "S" indicates the most probable state. Negative numbers indicate complainers, largely negative numbers designate frequent whiners or complainers. Combinations of negative and positive numbers can appear. ---------------- Other SmurfCODE(TM) Classifiers ------------------ While humor is a big part of little smurfs, other things even them out. Please note that smurfs are not necessarily twinks. However, since so *many* smurfs *are*, we have incorporated some twink associated characteristics. b - Color of Blue. Typically an indicator of one's affiliation with the official Smurf Gang. b No affiliation with gang, enjoys Gang. b+ Occasionally sends mail to Gang members. b++ Either a Gang member or a public supporter of same. b- Irritated by Smurf Gang members. b-- Frequently calls Smurf exterminators. g - Smurfensual gratification. Indicates *sweetness*, charm, or a disarmingly smooth and silver tongue. Tendency to evoke *blue*fuzzies* in the reader. g A sweet smurf (smiles, can laugh, makes your day a *nicer* one). g+ Definite hint of maple sugar. Even Smurfs get tickled here. g++ Saccharin (550 times sweeter than sugar). A Smurf *fantasy* come true: the Snuggle Fabric Softener Bear. g- Ascerbic, chilly whit, but tolerable, as long as you wear your sweater. Smurf *briefs* recommended. g-- Mr. Scrooge, the Sour Pickle Person of the year (can't POSSIBLY be a Smurf!...) l - Laugh quality. l Middle C octave. l+ Two octaves above middle C. l++ Four octaves above middle C. l- Two octaves below middle C. l-- Four octaves below middle C. y - Yellow quality. Twinkiness (or the Blonde Hair Factor). y Not much twinkie material. Looks blonde but generally doesn't act blonde (a la Andy :^) ) y+ Some twinkie attitudes, acts blonde sometimes, but usually kept under control. y++ Young, and dumb, and full of fun. The only thing you can do here is use it and throw it out, cause ya know, "She's an... airhead!..." y- Not twinkie-like at all. In fact, just a tad too serious. y-- Works for DeBeer's producing diamonds (shove a piece of coal up THAT one and get a diamond). y/ Doesn't look like a twinkie, but has a definite peroxide smell on the inside. y* Looks like a twinkie, but isn't at all. z - Fashion statement. z Wears different clothes every day. z+ Never wears white colors in fall and winter. Vogue, GQ. z++ Black, period. Darling, where *did* you get that haircut? z- Wears same clothes every day (or always jeans/T-shirts). z-- Wears green snakeskin panties with clashing purple boa. z/ Doesn't wear clothes, or hates them with a passion. An entirely different fashion statement! n - kNowledge. Indicates familiarity with Smurfs and their history. n Smurfs are blue. n+ Smurfs are on TV. Chick Corea loves Smurfs. n++ Smurf hats are fashioned after those worn during the French revolution. n- Smurfs are stupid. n-- Smurfs are mean. o - Obnoxiousness. Can be an indicator of the *number* of *stars* used in postings, or the *causticness* of *wit*. o A little *snotty*, only *mildly* irritating, *might* be *unintentional*. o+ Sarcasm designated by *smileys* or *stars*. Some people call this *fun*. o++ Undesignated sarcasm, no apologies, they mean *business*, and are likely to get the *business*. o- Light humor only, never a victim other than self, a *gentle* soul. With training, a *very* *good* Smurf candidate. o-- Only the *very* lightest of self-humor. x - Exceptionalism. An indication of pomposity or self-glorification. x Slightly pompous, occasionally puts on airs. Sometimes embarrassed about it. x+ Pompous and self-important. Perfectly Putrid Perfidious Pamela Petulance. x++ Exaggerated pomposity and self-importance. Bombastic Beulah Bluster. x- Somewhat meek. Modest Mincing Minney Mouse. x-- Self-depreciating. Disparaging Debby. a - Articulateness. An indication of facility with language, particularly written English. a Misspellings rare. Unobtrusive grammatical errors. a+ Likes to use gargantuan words, occasional mistakes. a++ No mistakes, wildly descriptive phrases. a- Common boo-boos: noone, their/there/they're, hear/here. a-- Doesn't bother to correct any typos. u - Untruthfulness. Designates the frequency of completely fabricated situations, people, emotions. u Occasional use of literary license. u+ Half-truths abound. u++ Complete fictions. u- Completely truthful. u-- Corrects others' "obvious" fictions (see x). Note: u++-- is possible. v - Valley (or other stereotypical) talk. Odd though it may seem, Smurfs originated in France, but can often speak fluent valley (San Fernando, not Loire). v+ Like a little weird stereotypical talk, OK? v++ Get on your like way rad stick and get outta here. She is *such* a babe. Gidget! v- Never generates unusual lingo, even inadvertantly. v-- Would like to jail all cunning linguists. j - Jokes or puns. j Likes jokes. j+ Promotes an occasional obvious joke or pun. j++ Often includes a concealed joke or pun, sometimes requiring special understanding. j- Doesn't get jokes. j-- Jokes are un-PC. In cases where you are guessing, append "?". In cases where you are obfuscating the truth, use ":". In cases where the particular attribute is as good as a prototype, use "!". Any b[++] n[++] o[++] (x or x++) u[++] j+[+] report to me immediately. ---------------------- Specific Examples -------------------------- Coyote B. Smurf B4 f++ c k m+ r++ S6 b++ g++ l- n+ o x- a u+ v j+ President of Vice B0 f t- w c- d++ (cd) k++ m h- r- p++ q/4 S8 b++ g+/++ l y+ z++/z/ n++ o++ x++ a+ u j++ Piece Maker B0/3V f t w- dc k+ s--! mV h- r- p S5/6/9 b++ g++ l+ y+ z/ n+ o-+ x- a u-+ j/++ Director of Marketing B0 f+ w- c d m+ h-(4) r S6 b++ g++ l y++ n+ o++ x+ a+ u++ v++ j Mr. Cute Harp Seal B0 f-- w- c r p (JA's favorite smurf?) S2 b++ g++ l y z n+ o- x- a u- v j+ Pope Innocenti B0 f-- t+ w-- k m- h-(0) r++ p+ q S9 b++ g l- y-- z++(suits) n++ o++ x++ a+ u++ v+ j++ Righteous Babe B0 f-- t+ w-- k m- h-(0) r++ p+ q S6 b++ g++ l++ y++ z n- x- o a u++ v++ j Jonah the Arcmaker S7 b++ g++ y n++ z+? o x a l?! v?! j++ Miss Piggy B-1 f-- t-- w++ c- d++ k++ m- h- r-- p++ q+++ S4 b g+ l++ y+ z+ n? o+ x++ a+ u v+ j+ ------ others Asmodeus S-9/9 b--! g--! l- y--! z- n--! o++ x++ a- u++-- v-- j+ Bobby Bear Cub S4/-4 b+ g++ n o- x a-- u- v j+ Connie Fazzio S6 b+ g+ y+ z? n+ o+ x a+ u v+ j++ Fuzz Madison S-9 b--! g- l=0 y++/-- z? n--! o++ x++ u- v- j- Jess Anderson S-5/6 b- n- o+ x+ a+ u+-- j++ g+- y-++ l Fruitbat S8 b++ g++ l-- n+ o x+ a++ u v+ j++ JoJo Francis S9 b+ g++ n+ o+ x++ a++ u++ v++ j++ Joe Chapman S8 b? g n? o x+ a++ u j++ Robert Kelly S6 b++ g l- y+ z+ n+ o++ x a- u- v- j+ David Baxter S3 b? n o+ x a u++ v j+ l- y g/- z-- Nigel Whitfield S3 b+ n o- x- a+ u+ v- j+ l y- z+ g/+ Jack Carroll S2 b? n o-- x a++ u- v j g l- y Gerry Swetsky S5 b+ n o- x- a u? v j+ g l- y+ Henry Mensch S0 b+/- n+ o+ x+ a- u-? v j- g- y-+ Wendy Thrash S6/7 b++ n+ o x a+ u+/++ v j++ g+/++ l--: y z--: Jeffrey Kain S4 b g l+ y+ z++ n o+ x+ a u/+ v+ j+ Rich Braun S1 b++ g+ l y+ z n o- x a+ u- v j+ ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- So, Ladies and Gentlemen, enjoy and use... <tee-hee!> Your Friendly Neighborhood SmurfGANG President of Vice and Smurfologist, Leo. </tee-hee!>