Providing Pants for the Pantsless Pop Star: A Vulture Intervention (original) (raw)

Photo: RICK ROWELL/?2011 American Broadcasting Companies, Inc. For editorial use only.

Among the many questionable choices made by Britney Spears during her Femme Fatale press tour, her recommitment to Public Pantslessness (see: the GMAs, her Out spread, and the “Hold It Against Me” video, among others) has been particularly vexing. Yes, Britney’s taken the stage in underwear before (most memorably at those VMAs), but that was before the great Celebrity Pantslessness Epidemic of 2010. Gaga wannabes have been rocking haute-couture bikini bottoms for a year now, and the leotard-only look is out. Or so we thought, until Rihanna chose this week to appear on the cover of Rolling Stone in ripped “metal mesh shorts” that more closely resemble a loin cloth or a fanny pack. Can the No Pants Look really be happening again? Vulture thinks (hopes!) not, and so we decided to help the many desperately off-trend celebrities still gallivanting around in their underwear as best we could: by designing them pants! Awesome, age-appropriate, mostly floral pants. Wear them proudly, ladies.

Britney shows off the Monet for Target collection. Britney shows off the Monet for Target collection.

Britney shows off the Monet for Target collection.

From the "my ass is a strangely glowing orb" look to just rolled out of bed with one item of clothing! From the "my ass is a strangely glowing orb" look to just rolled out of bed with one item of clothing!

From the "my ass is a strangely glowing orb" look to just rolled out of bed with one item of clothing!

This is a standard costume change at a Gaga concert. This is a standard costume change at a Gaga concert.

This is a standard costume change at a Gaga concert.

Surely, they make this pattern in latex. Surely, they make this pattern in latex.

Surely, they make this pattern in latex.

"And now I'd like to call my good friend Mr. MC Hammer up to join me onstage." "And now I'd like to call my good friend Mr. MC Hammer up to join me onstage."

"And now I'd like to call my good friend Mr. MC Hammer up to join me onstage."

Jeggings, now in low-slung linoleum. Jeggings, now in low-slung linoleum.

Jeggings, now in low-slung linoleum.

"What do you think? I re-purposed grammy's couch." "What do you think? I re-purposed grammy's couch."

"What do you think? I re-purposed grammy's couch."

"And for my next magic trick ... " "And for my next magic trick ... "

"And for my next magic trick ... "

Vs are more subtle when they don't point at one's actual v. Vs are more subtle when they don't point at one's actual v.

Vs are more subtle when they don't point at one's actual v.

"What? You're looking at me like I'm wearing pants. Am I wearing pants???" "What? You're looking at me like I'm wearing pants. Am I wearing pants???"

"What? You're looking at me like I'm wearing pants. Am I wearing pants???"