TIM BURTON�S PLANET OF THE APES (original) (raw)
There�s no excuse, really. Well, all right. There is an excuse, of sorts � see, we�ve been busy with the Knife & Wife animated special for Channel 4 (whaddayamean you don�t know anything about it, you revolting testicle? Click on the above banner to find out more). Also, we got really, really drunk, and fell down a manhole, and spent six months comforting a remorseful telecommunications engineer.
But, y�know, we figured a year was long enough. Long enough to keep you, our loyal readers, wriggling like maggots on a hotplate.
So now, for the first in what will hopefully be a series of occasional updates, we�re happy to present the first new Bubblegun stuff in 12 months.
PLEASE NOTE: that isn�t a request, but an order.
TIM BURTON�S PLANET OF THE APES
When 20th Century Fox announced its intention to remake sci-fi classic Planet Of The Apes, there can be few film fans who didn�t find their choice of director � gothic maverick Tim Burton � to be somewhat left-field. Best known for his darkly comic fantasy fables Batman, Sleepy Hollow, Mars Attacks and Pee Wee�s Big Adventure, Burton�s visual credentials are not in question. Whether he can recapture the shock twist of the original movie�s ending � in which the ape-dominated planet is revealed to be a post-apocalyptic Earth � is another matter.
However, Bubblegun has been fortunate enough to take hold of a genuine Planet Of The Apes shooting script, leaked out to us from the set of the movie.
Dated 4/3/2001, and attributed to Burton and producer Richard Zanuck, here�s an extract from the final scene of the film, that finally answers the question of how Burton intends to top THAT ending�
EXT. FORBIDDEN ZONE. DAY
Dirk Diggler rides on horseback through the dusty desert, as the sun rises slowly in the sky. On the saddle behind him is Stella, the beautiful human girl.
DIRK
Golly! What a big adventure we�ve had. First, my spaceship crashed on this strange, alien world, which happens to be ruled by talking apes, and then I met you, and then some other stuff happened, and now look at us � riding on a bloody horse across a desert, called The Forbidden Zone! This truly has been one of the strangest days of my life!
STELLA
Yes. You really shook up this crazy ape-run planet!
DIRK
Yes. Ha ha ha! Stupid apes.
Suddenly, an ape army steps out from behind a bush. Their leader addresses a startled Dirk.
MICKEY THE MONKEY
Grrr! Say that again, and I�ll tear your face off.
DIRK
Mickey the Monkey! But� but I thought I�d brained you with that hammer, and tossed your corpse down a well.
MICKEY THE MONKEY
That was my identical twin brother, David The Monkey. And his death has made me really determined to get even with� YOU!
DIRK
Blimey � and you�ve followed me out here, with your ape army of approximately four billion horse-riding monkeys?
MICKEY THE MONKEY
That�s right. We�re going to get you for all that stuff you did earlier.
DIRK
That sounds fair. But first, why don�t you introduce me to some of your soldiers?
MICKEY THE MONKEY
Well, that isn�t usual practice, but I don�t see why not� OK � first up meet Gareth The Gibbon. He�s our custard pie expert. Secondly, here�s�
DIRK
I�m sorry� did you say �custard pie expert�?
MICKEY THE MONKEY
Yes. Is something wrong with that?
DIRK
Um�. no. Carry on.
MICKEY THE MONKEY
Ok. Secondly, this is Richard The Orang-utan. He�s skilled in the art of flicking people with wet towels. Then there�s�
DIRK
Wet towels?
MICKEY THE MONKEY
Yes. What about them?
DIRK
Am I to believe your troops are armed with nothing more lethal than custard pies and wet towels?
MICKEY THE MONKEY
They ARE lethal.
DIRK
Fine. If they�re so lethal, let�s see you kill the beautiful Stellar with a custard pie.
STELLAR
Hang on a minute�!
DIRK
It�ll be all right.
STELLAR
But what if it isn�t? What if I get hurt?
DIRK
Well exactly.
STELLAR
What?
DIRK
Why d�you think I don�t want to do it? Pff. I�m not stupid, you know.
STELLAR
How can you treat me like this? I had sex with you!
DIRK
No you didn�t.
STELLAR
Yes I did.
DIRK
No you didn�t. Apes � custard pie the lying slapper.
Stellar dies beneath a volley of lethal custard pies.
DIRK
Jesus Fucking Christ!!! I�m getting out of here!
Dirk runs away, taking refuge in a valley, some two miles distant.
MICKEY THE MONKEY
Get him.
Dirk hides behind a big rock. His foot nudges against something. He looks down, and frowns at a metal lever, jutting out of the desert floor.
DIRK
I wonder what happens if I pull this�
Dirk yanks on the lever. Almost immediately, his surroundings drop away � revealed to be nothing more than a painted backcloth. Dirk�s jaw drops as he takes in his new surroundings � the docking bay of the DEATH STAR.
DIRK
I don�t believe it! The planet of the apes was really the Death Star, out of Star Wars, all along.
MICKEY THE MONKEY
Yes, and that�s not the only surprise.
Mickey the Monkey grabs at his face � pulling it off to reveal the horrible visage of DARTH VADER.
DIRK
Darth Vader!
MICKEY THE MONKEY/DARTH VADER
There�s more.
DIRK
No! There can�t be more!
MICKEY THE MONKEY/DARTH VADER
There is. You see, Dirk � I am your father.
DIRK
That�s impossible! How can you be my father, when this is a space station, a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away?
MICKEY THE MONKEY/DARTH VADER
Space station? Galaxy? Far, far away? You are mistaken, Dirk. Just take a look over there.
DIRK
The Statue Of Liberty! Then� then I�ve been on earth all the time!? But how?!?!
MICKEY THE MONKEY/DARTH VADER
I don�t know � but you have!
DIRK
Wow! I�m not going to forget this day in a hurry.
MICKEY THE MONKEY/DARTH VADER
No. Nor will I!
DIRK
Ha ha ha ha ha!
PRINGLE THE SPIDER-MONKEY
(rushing in)
Am I too late?!
MICKEY THE MONKEY/DARTH VADER
Yes, Pringle � you�re always too late!
ALL
Ha ha ha ha ha!
FADE TO END CREDITS