STAR TREK � THE NEW SERIES! (original) (raw)

Geeks the world over are salivating at the prospect of an all-new Star Trek series, to fill the gap left by the soon-to-be-concluding, Star Trek: Voyager. Producer Rick Berman promises a real return to basics for a franchise that many suspect has lost its way in recent years. Now, for the first time anywhere, Bubblegun can reveal the title of the new show, as well as the central cast of characters, and even present here a WORLD EXCLUSIVE extract from the script for the first episode of the new show. But first, boys and girl, meet the crew of� Star Trek: Extreme!

CAPTAIN FRANCIS J. LULLO

The captain of the USS Extreme, Captain Lullo is a chiselled space battle veteran, and the first Hispanic, closet homosexual captain in the history of Starfleet. He's also completely blind as a result of his battle injuries, but refuses to wear optic implants, for fear that they may make him appear a "sissy" - something he adamantly insists he isn't.

The ship's second in command, and security officer. Half-Klingon, half-genetically-engineered sausage dog, T'R'K'Rkkk'Rrrr - or "Trkk" for short - has the mysterious ability to see into his own past, using his innate "psychic memory".

EXT. SPACEBASE 47

The 80% complete hull of the USS EXTREME sits amid a mass of gantries and rigging. Worker drones busy themselves around it, attempting to complete the ship before their deadline.

INT. BRIDGE OF THE USS EXTREME

A high-tech hive of activity. CAPTAIN LULLO sits amid scenes of chaos as technicians fine-tune computer screens and workstations.

LULLO (into comlink) How much longer until we're space-worthy, Paddy?

Doctor PADDY O'REILLY is sitting on the arm of Lullo's chair.

O'REILLY Top of the mornin' to ye, begorrah. There's no need to
shout captain, to be sure. Oi'm roight here.

LULLO This ship was supposed to be ready this morning. And
it's now half-past star-time four point niner-oh-seven.

O'REILLY Don't be havin' a go at me, to be sure. Oi've got me hands full running engineering and de infirmary.
Besoides, me head's killin' me. Oi was on de
Space Guiness all night, to be sure.

LULLO (warningly�) O'Reilly�

O'REILLY Yes. Really.

COMMANDER T'R'K'RKKK'RRRR TH'RRRR'P'SSSS growls over from his weapons station.

TRRK Bah! Humans! All you ever think about is enjoying
yourselves. Never do you consider the honour of
battle, or as my people call it, Ch'Ka'T'Nah.

LULLO Who said that?

HUMOUR UNIT #3764b Hey - did somebody call for a comedian?

TRRK Grrr. Get off the bridge, you R'Krrr'T'uuul. I'm head of security here, and I say there's no place on the bridge of a warship for a laptop on a trolley.

LULLO What's going on now?

O'REILLY Just old Trrk there, up to his old tricks again, to be sure. He's just shouting at Humour Unit #3764b.

LULLO I'm blind not deaf, O'Reilly. I was talking in metaphysical terms. Trrk - what does your mysterious psychic memory tell you about our upcoming mission?

TRRK Nothing about our upcoming mission, Captain, but I can
tell you about the things that happened on my last
mission under Captain Umberson.

LULLO That would be most useful.

The ship suddenly plunges into red alert.

HUMOUR UNIT #3764b I knew this show was low budget, but I can't believe
we've gone into the red on the first show already!

Trrk destroys Humour Unit #3764b with a big hammer. O'Reilly pulls his space pants down, and defecates over the remains, before flushing them out of the airlock.

LULLO Trrk - status report.

TRRK Red Alert, Captain. An unknown vessel just decloaked
off our starboard bow.

LULLO What does it look like?

O'REILLY Y'know, captain, it'd be a whole lot easier if you let me
fit those optic implants�

LULLO Who said that?

O'Reilly starts making "limp wrist" gestures in front of the Captain. O'Reilly sniggers.

Who's sniggering there? O'Reilly?

TRRK Stop it, O'Reilly.

LULLO What's he doing?

TRRK Nothing, Captain. He's just being stupid.

LULLO Is he doing the gay thing again?

O'REILLY (continuing to do it) Now would I do that, begorrah?

LULLO I've told you already - I'm not gay.

O'REILLY Oh? Like you told everyone you weren't blind or
Hispanic when you first came aboard?

LULLO That was a misunderstanding.

O'REILLY Oh, to be sure. It was a misunderstanding that you were wearing a t-shirt emblazoned with the words: "I am neither blind nor Hispanic".

LULLO I'm blind. How was I to know what was on the t-shirt?

TRRK Captain, the enemy vessel has locked its phasers onto
our dilithium storage tanks.

LULLO And? So? Just shoot them.

TRRK (frowning)
Wait, captain� my psychic memory� I'm receiving a
mental picture of� my fifth� birthday party. Jimmy
Swanson� tried to steal� my ice� cream.

EXT. SPACE

A ROMULAN WARBIRD opens fire on the USS Extreme, destroying it in an instant.

FADE TO BLACK