Church Lady, a humorous fictional biography (original) (raw)
gnes comes to us from (indirectly) from Knickerbocker, Texas. Knickerbocker is a community in Irion County that was once known for raising and exporting outlaws.
She moved to Knickerbocker from Langtry after her husband Angus killed himself. His Doctor had told him he had a bad case of trichinosis (after eating several helpings of Judge Roy Bean's pet bear who had just died of lead poisoning). The good doctor (when sober) said that he had meant to say "halitosis" but the late correction didn't do Angus any good.
After burying Angus in a narrow grave on the lone prairie, not far from the streets of Laredo, Agnes went to live with her daughter Maypearl who had married into a family of semi-desperate criminals. Having outlaws for in-laws didn't intimidate Agnes a whit. She derived strength from the fact that she was a devout Southern Pedestrian and the former chairperson of The Langtry Lady Vigilantes. Shortly after she walked into Knickerbocker - the bad element rode off.
With the departure of the shiftless, no-account and ne'er-do-well population of Knickerbocker, the remaining citizens developed hobbies, joined fitness clubs and got in touch with their inner-children.
Agnes enrolled in an Ecclesiastical Architecture correspondence course from Mentone State University.
Although she failed the course because she couldn't read or write, Agnes developed a deep appreciation of Texas churches from her textbook illustrations. She spearheaded the drive to restore the often-visited Church of the Worthless Miracle at Fort Godbehere.
Agnes has cheerfully agreed to choose the churches we feature here - in her contribution to Texas Escapes.
See you in church.
Although Sister Agnes is fictional - it doesn't stop her from saying that Texas Churches are and have been the "firewall" that has kept Texas from spontaneously combusting due to its proximity to Hell. Our coverage of Texas churches is non-denominational and churches appear as we come across them - mostly for their historic reference or the workmanship of their construction. - Editor
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John Troesser
May 2002