Edward Aquifer, a humorous biography of a fictitious water conservationist. (original) (raw)

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Texas Escapes is proud to announce
our new Department of Water Conservation

EDWARD AQUIFER

SITTING AT THE HEAD OF THE WATER TABLE

While others ponder glasses of water, we're concerned whether our water supply is half empty or half full. And while we are speaking of half-measures, we'd like to introduce our answer to the State's water problems, Mr. Aquifer himself, Edward H. Aquifer.

Edward comes to us from LSU where he taught a course in River Parasites. His last paper, Amoebas - Mother Nature's Weight Watching Friends, has received praise worldwide and was chosen as a selection for the Bangladeshi Book Club. Mr. Aquifer has been a consultant to various water-parks in the SE and has had two types of planaria named after him.

Studying these aquatic flatworms as a boy, Ed has learned to regenerate his own limbs. The first time was after a lawnmower accident at the age of 14. When asked how he could perform this miracle, Ed just winked and replied: "you gotta think like a planarian." Although he would demonstrate this feat at family reunions, he has given up the practice in recent years. As Ed puts it, "sometimes they don't grow back quite right".

Ed is married to the lovely and talentless Edith Perrier and is the father of twin girls, Murine and Visine. Let's put our 10 fingers together (in Ed's case 13) and welcome Ed Aquifer to our growing list of fictitious staffers.

�

John Troesser
2000

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