Vintage Texas wit: Dogs in Church. (original) (raw)

The Gonzales Inquirer, May 6, 1882 DOGS IN CHURCH

After calm deliberation and mature judgment, we have reached the decided opinion that it does not improve the morals, and elevate the manners of dogs, to have them attend church, and we are positive that nothing is added to the comfort of the worshipers by their presence.

In fact we believe that church-going dogs are the most depraved of the canine family. They generally consider it the time and place to show their [pugnacity] and animosity to the rest of the gang that have congregated there. They make themselves at home in a manner that is supremely exasperating to average mortality.
The manner in which one of the well-trained ones can march up the aisle and scornfully survey the rest of the congregation would make a Texas legislator almost weep for envy.

The difficulties between the canines are generally adjusted in the middle of the church, and all other proceedings are generally brought to a close until the settlement is reached, and each one will resent an invitation to leave as a personal insult.

They seem to know that the bipeds are restrained by the laws from creating a disturbance and imagine that they have the right to run affairs to suit themselves.

Any town cur who is in the habit of attending church is as ambitious of being noticed as any politician in the country, and will play as many disagreeable tricks to gain the designed end.

One of the most harrowing methods is to plant himself in front of you, stare into your face with fiendish delight, and vigorously use his hind foot in scattering enough vermin on you to keep you thoroughly entertained during the rest of the services.

A few Sundays since one of the meeting house canines, after sliding up and down the aisle some forty times, walking into the stand and endeavoring to gaze the minister out of countenance, and performing all the other diabolical pranks that his abominable instinct could suggest.

Finding that he was not attracting that attention which his villainous heart longed for, raised his bristles looked savagely in the face at a lady near him and commenced barking in a manner that would almost render you frantic.

There were only five out last Sunday, but that was enough, and they made themselves felt, seen and heard. As members of a congregation assembled for religious worship, dogs are a decided failure.

We have never been able to appreciate dogs anyway, unless they were ornamented with a sardine box and earnestly and solemnly hunting for solitude and rest.

Lone Star Diary
October, 2000
Published with author's permission.