Cowboys past offer interesting sayings. (original) (raw)

Few can compare with the old-time cowboys in descriptions and outlandish sayings.

It might be because he spends a lot of time by himself thinking up the words than practicing telling them to his horse. That may have contributed to the horse�s disposition and actions at times.

Here are a few samples that come to mind:

• A cowboy on a remote ranch camp near Wellingtononce said, �The water in my well is so gypy that a meadow lark flying over my well and storage tank will get diarrhea.�
• An elderly cowboy was asked if he wore depends. He answered, �That depends.� Another said, based on his experiences, �One of the easiest things to do is to quit before you are finished or finish before you are through.�
• One good thing about living in a town with a one-block-long main street is, your teenagers don�t burn much gasoline dragging main on Saturday night.
• A cowboy once described his boss as, �That old boy has friends in the Legislature and the penitentiary and thinks no less of either of them for their membership.�
• Stranded on a remote cow camp during monthlong blizzards with only a dictionary to read, a cowboy penned this description of using a frozen corncob when he ran out of toilet paper. �It was an infliction of simultaneous striations upon my psyche and my tender tissues at an impressionable age and for an intolerable period of time.�
• In the Old West days, a cowboy entered a saloon, ordered a drink and tipped his hat back as he emptied the shot glass. His eyes opened wide, he turned red, gasped for breath, stood on his tiptoes, sneezed, blew snot on the bar, began shaking and trembling ,and finally keeled over backwards into the sawdust stiff as a board.
  Other patrons gathered around with hats in hand as it was the first time a customer had died taking a drink. After a few moments the downed man began shaking and breathing, and rose up, and they helped him to his feet.
  He leaned on the bar and told the bartender, �My friend, have you got another shot of whiskey. That hit the spot.�
• A cowboy sitting in his pickup outside a grocery story was approached by a friend. �You mean you don�t have to help your wife shop for groceries?� The seated man replied. �Aw, it was easy. Some years ago I waited for my wife to reach the toilet paper shelves with her cart, and with the aisles crowded with other shoppers I told her in a loud voice. �Honey, get the heavily-quilted toilet paper. It gives a lot better traction.� I was banned from helping her shop from then on.�
• Another cowboy who lost a Saturday night fight by a considerable margin, smoothed it all over on Sunday with this remark: �Sure glad I didn�t hurt that old boy too bad last night. I hear he really needs his job and money for his family.�
  �
  Delbert Trew - September 27, 2011 column
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  Delbert Trew is a freelance writer and retired rancher. He can be reached at 806-779-3164, by mail at Box A, Alanreed, TX 79002, or by email at trewblue @centramedia.net. For books, see delberttrew.com. His column appears weekly.
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