Friends provide funny tidbits. (original) (raw)

Between the Alanreed Coffee Shop, my sometimes-simple friends on the telephone and the miracle of email I hear many humorous tidbits. Here are a few samples.

• �The man is as goofy as a claustrophobic prairie dog.�
• �He is as persistent as a love-sick porcupine.�
• �I wish I had found you when I was hunting my fourth wife.�
• Comment on overpopulation: �I can take you to a dozen vistas within 100 miles of my house where you can view 100 sections of land, 64,000 acres, where only two to six people live. They think they are living in hog heaven. Most of those screaming �overpopulation� wouldn�t live there if you gave them a paid-up land title, a 26-room mansion and monthly income for life.�
• A woman agreed to dance with a stranger at a country dance. Afterward she commented, �The man had two left feet, and both of them were pigeon-toed.�
• A cowboy thought his wife had contracted mad cow disease. His buddy, living on the next ranch and existing in a somewhat strange marriage asked, �How can you tell? My wife is always mad.�
• A farmer with six growing children said, �I believe a woman�s place is in the home. After she gets off work, that is.�
• A husband told his coffee shop crowd, �My wife actually wears a size 7� shoe. But a size 8 feels so good she buys an 8�.�
• An old rancher, raised during hard times once stated, �Seems like I have always smelled to high heaven. When I was a boy I smelled like coal oil, wood smoke or the privy. Later I smelled like propane, cream separator, sour milk or lye soap. When I reached maturity I always smelled like horse manure, screw worm dope or diesel fuel. The only women I have ever dated had bad colds or bad sinus problems.�
• A good �old� friend said, �When you finally learn your kinfolks always tell you what they think you want to hear, you are officially a grandpa or grandma.� Also, when you hear, �I�ll pay you back when I get on my feet,� and immediately write it off as a bad debt, you have reached maturity.
• If you have experienced any of the following, you don�t have to worry about the draft:
  If you know the difference between a bushing and a bearing, you probably know how to use a grease gun. If you know the difference between a squirt can and a grease gun, you can probably cuss. If your family wears drawers instead of underwear, better make sure your will is up to date. If you don�t know a saddle is built around a tree, your boots might be clean and shiny. If you don�t know how to grease a wheelbarrow, you might not be mechanically inclined. If you ask for a �lift� to town, you probably know what whomper-jawed, anti-godlin and catty-cornered mean.
  �
  Delbert Trew - August 28, 2012 column
  More "It's All Trew"
  Delbert Trew is a freelance writer and retired rancher. He can be reached at 806-779-3164, by mail at Box A, Alanreed, TX 79002, or by email at trewblue@centramedia .net. For books see delberttrew .com.
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