Directions for proper use. (original) (raw)

Congratulations on your purchase of �Stumbling Forward,� version 1.02. As our valued customer, we have included this instruction manual to insure that your SF experience is safe and rewarding.

And when we say you are our valued customer, we really mean it, unlike those weasels you call for customer service at other companies. You know who you are! If we really are �valued customers� and our �calls are important to you,� have a real human pick up the dang phone and stop making us listen to that endless song for an �estimated 21 minutes.�

We here at SF will pick up the phone in a prompt manner, unless we�re mowing the yard or something, then we�ll get back to you after supper.

We�d also like to remind our valued customers who are both litigious and dumb to read the warnings carefully. We�ve noticed that there are a lot of dumb people out there hurting themselves doing dumb things and then suing the living daylights out of folks. Dumb, litigious people, please just continue spilling hot coffee on yourselves and eating medicine that is for topical use only and refrain from suing us. We thank you in advance.

Proper Use �
Stumbling Forward 1.02 is a German engineered, cutting edge technology that must be handled by sure and knowing hands if it�s to be operated at maximum efficiency. This being the case, please do not attempt to read SF while driving, operating heavy equipment, line dancing, learning Finnish, performing in a kabuki opera, bee keeping, doing the JUMBLE, or any other cognitive activity.

But, it is safe to read SF while performing associative, or as we say in my country, �non-thinking� activities such as breathing, television viewing, voting, hearing the latest gossip about Brad Pitt, Jennifer Anniston, that skinny, creepy Hilton girl and/or the skinny, creepy Olson twins, or anyone else who is famous for no apparent reason.

For those whose SF experience and expertise require a higher level of difficulty in order to fully enjoy it, our engineers have determined that blunt head trauma and/or psychological insecurities accentuate the experience. If you fall into this category, repeatedly hit yourself in the face with an oar and remember that your mother liked your siblings more, thus explaining why she always dressed you in those hideous little jumpsuits with the oversized buttons. Following these instructions will allow you to get that �special place� where this drivel actually makes a little sense.

Improvements �
You will find, valued customer, several improvements in SF 1.02. First of all, we�re going to piggyback on Dan Brown selling a gazillion copies of his �The De Vinci Code� and such, where the entire story is �the Masons have all the secrets about religion and control the world, and like to leave little clues, riddles, and knock-knock jokes around so anyone paying the least amount of attention would be able to figure them out.�

�Knock-Knock. Who�s there? Gail. Gail who? The Holy Gail is buried under a elevator in The Louvre!� Uhh, I don�t get it.

Since folks really seem to like this nonsense, each column will include an encoded riddle that will lead them to a treasure of unlimited power and wealth. Okay, so the answer is just my locker combination when I was a sophomore in high school, and the treasure is a petrified cheese sandwich and a really overdue library book, but the thrill is in the hunt, our valued customer!

This week�s clue � Oprah�s dress size, circa 1993.

Another exciting feature in SF1.02 is the use of recurring characters. Each week, you�ll follow the exploits of Jo-Jo, the crime fighting howler monkey; Mrs. Jamison, the rapping grandmother; and Ernest Borgnine, as himself. Just seeing what these three are up to is in and of itself a reason to read every week.

This week�s adventure � Jo-Jo and Mrs. Jamison are afraid Ernest has been kidnapped by the dastardly, bent-on-world-domination organization EVEL, but come to find out Ernest had just been spending a leisurely afternoon in the buffet line of the Golden Corral.

Warnings of possible side effects �
Though rare, takers of SF 1.02 occasionally suffer from incontinence, incomprehension, incredulity, and incongruous arrangement of furniture; as well as impotence, immaturity, immovable objects meeting an irresistible force, and, in extreme cases, immolation.

If you are pregnant, thinking of becoming pregnant, or running against the residual Soviet oligarchy for the Presidency of the Ukraine, SF 1.02 may make your face look like Boris Yeltsin and a cabbage�s love child. Sorry about that, Yushchenko.

By following these instructions, you are now prepared to safely enjoy the Stumbling Forward experience. Okay, it�s not so much an �experience,� more like an �episode� or �fit.� But you know what we mean. So enjoy and remember, we�re not kidding about that not suing us thing.