Excuse Note. (original) (raw)
| Excuse Note by John Gosselink |  Alfred. E. Newmanlink |
|---|
Dear Mr. Editor,
I�m writing to tell you that John doesn�t have his column done this week. Yes, I know, having been back on the job only for a few weeks � it�s usually a few months before he starts this nonsense - calling in sick this early is really unimpressive. He�s given me a list of excuses to choose from, but I�ve learned it helps my sanity and reputation to stay above his little games. Therefore, I�ve attached his list and you can decide which one is the least offensive to your sensibilities.
John doesn�t have his column this week because:
- He�s sure the derisive mooing coming from the pasture next door was aimed at him and is now on a bovine witch-hunt trying to figure out which cow has the attitude.
- Now that Yasser Arafat has passed, he�s busy growing out his facial hair in hopes of earning the �World�s Worst Beard� title.
- He�s defending his dissertation for his sociology Ph.D. � �Why only fat guys who love to �Par-tay� wear Hawaiian shirts�
- Last Tuesday, fairly certain he saw Osama Bin Laden in the canned vegetable section of the Brookshire Brothers, so he�s spent the last week staked out behind the okra.
- Determined to prove that a watched kettle CAN boil. He does a lot of blank staring in the kitchen.
- There have been several Bigfoot sightings in nearby woods and he�s out there with his camera looking to cash in (he�s been jogging a lot with his shirt off � I think there�s a connection)
Well, there you go. Choose one to your liking. Wait, here comes monkey boy. Great, he has some more.
- With Rehnquist ailing, he�s polishing up his resume. Get ready, saying �you know� after every sentence is about to be unconstitutional.
- Trying to figure out this actual joke told to him by his four year old � �What has four wheels and flies? A duck trying to get to the other side of the street.� Apparently, he doesn�t get sophisticated, � New Yorker� type humor.
- He�s out managing the incredibly unsuccessful boy band he produced. He thought he followed the offensive �make pre-teen girls scream and spend� formula correctly while assembling his band and character types - Grady, the smelly one; Alfred, the one with the lazy eye; Tiny, the one with weight problem, and the surprisingly spry octogenarian, Senator Robert Byrd Dem-WV. For some reason, the teenage girls aren�t coming out in droves.
- Is certain growth under his arm is a �buboe� and is paralyzed with fear that he has the bubonic plague. (It�s obviously just a pimple)
- After eliminating Mick Jagger and Warren Beatty, is certain Carly Simon wrote �You�re so Vain� about him, and is now camped out in front of her Martha�s Vineyard�s estate demanding an apology.
Finally, that should do it. What? (sigh) No, here�s some more.
- Is sure that Nashville is primed for the newest achingly insipid dance craze and is pushing his song �Itchy-twitchy feet� to producers
- At work, he came across Thomas Wolfe�s quote, �You can�t go home again,� causing him to drive around our block aimlessly for three days.
- Trying to resurrect his dream of becoming a professional baseball player, he�s been juicing up on steroids. (Truth be told, it�s not going well. He just looks like a bloated manatee)
- Has already ran out of ideas and is now recycling old bits from a few years ago.
That should do it. Sadly, most of these are true.
Sincerely, The Wife.