Wouldn�t it be cool. (original) (raw)

Wouldn�t it be cool by John Gosselink	Alfred. E. Newmanlink

Wouldn�t it be cool

If Satan was standing in line in front of you at the supermarket. You could just yell, �Satan, get behind me� and get through the line more quickly.
If your name was Chester.
If we greeted each other with salutes rather than shaking hands, especially during cold and flu season.
If tailgating was a mortal sin and we knew there was a special ring in Hades for those jerks.
If money did grow on trees so when you hired that neighborhood kid to rake your lawn, you could tell just to take a bag for himself.
If we all had signature music when we entered a room and a laugh track when we told jokes. (I�ve got dibs on Elvis intro music from his Hawaiian special � that way I can accompany my entrance with a cool judo kick)
If high school was really the best times of our life rather than just a drudging cycle of testing, football practice, and dating catastrophes.
If you were taller.
If dumb people realized they were dumb and didn�t purport themselves as experts, long-winded noisy experts with talk shows.
If aliens could use their superior technology to find a better way to probe abductees.
If people with video cameras out for no apparent reason would give you a script so you would have something to do besides stand there and wave like an idiot.
If those science magazines in the �50�s had been correct and we people of the 21st century had flying cars, robot maids, and meals in pill form instead of 2$ gas, botox, and computerized phone solicitors.
If knock-knock jokes were scathing social commentaries instead of juvenile puns.
To have a unicorn. Though what�s the big deal about a horse with a horn? I guess he could scratch your back in hard to reach places.
If you actually knew someone who said �Too-MAH-toe,� so that dumb �You say �Toe-MAY-toe,� I say �Too-MAH-toe�� song would make sense. I think it makes fun of people with speech impediments, which is mean.
To be so un-self-conscious that you can be the fat guy at the concert who takes his shirt off and dances in front of the stage.
If they put a big hole in the top of water towers and let you swim in them, though if they let little kids in, you might not want to drink the tap water.
If you could get your hands on that top-secret religious pun book that gives the sayings for their signs. (It took me forever to figure out the �Seven days without church makes one weak� one).
If we had prehensile tails. Think how much easier it would be to do the �tap someone on the opposite shoulder then act like you didn�t� trick.
If it would stop hailing!
If you really could ride those big dogs, like Great Danes.
If all meetings began with a ritualized singing of Queen�s �We will rock you.�
If clowns were laughing on the inside as well as the outside.
If soap operas lived up to their names and were cleaner with more singing.
If new sneakers really made you run faster like you thought when you were a kid.
If Oprah Winfrey and Dr. Phil had a fist fight over who had better diet tips.
If dogs were fluent in Portuguese, then we�d all learn the Portuguese phrases for �Are you going to finish that sandwich,� �Hey, another dog is close to my yard so I must freak out,� and �Look where I can lick.� Maybe enough to get us some college credit hours in a foreign language.
If fedoras came back in style. You would look really good in a fedora. And mutton-chop side burns.
If they hadn�t invented �interesting and unique� cell phone ring tones. �Oh, your phone plays Tim McGraw�s �Live like you were dying.� Great, can�t hear that enough.�
If you could get �Live like you were dying� out of your head after reading this: �I�d go sky-diving, Rocky Mountain climbing�.
If columnists would do their jobs and not just turn in lame lists.