Crash's Journal (original) (raw)
Crash's Journal
25th September, 2001. 10:41 pm. Holy shit has it been a long time
wow, its been like, 20 years. well for starters, i turned 15 on the fourth(but who cares). in the past, i used this little journal spiel as therapy for not having any friends and for my emmense boredome. needless to say, i lost that for a while, it hasnt returned, i just dont have anything better to do. now for some of my misadventures: i told my "best?" friend that instead of the traditional rap and hip hop music i would listen to, i was going to listen to white music. his response was saying "you fuckin white boy" and marching out of the store (we were in empire discs at the time) then later assured me that he was ok with it. yeah right. but i dont care what he thinks of me, cause it cant be any worse than what i think of him. i also chopped off my long luxurious hair (which i spent 9 months growing) cuz i got pissed off at it. and i got verbally molested by two people, one i expected it from, but the other i didnt, but it turned out ok since hes not dumb enough to let something so small ruin a "friendship?". but im so happy with my hair being gone, i couldnt be more content. i am very happy with my life right now, i have discovered that actually doing the easy work in school leads to good grades and brownie points with the parental figure. about my dad, hes so fuckin dumb. I worked my ass off cleaning the entire first floor of the house, and he gets mad at me for not doing the dishes. but anyway, i have decided to become my own person in more ways than one. I used to take so much input from other people that it was no longer input, but them controling my life, so i basically spit in all of their faces and took over my life for myself. like i said i am so happy with my situation in life. (oh yeah, the twin towers got attacked and stuff, that sucked) school is weird now, without someone to push me around, and having someone to push around, seems very foreign. I still have my passive behavior, and would rather back out of a fight than get my hands dirty. i still get pissed off by the ignorance of others, and i get pissed off by feminists, but thats a long story. this is all i can think of right now, im sure im leavng something out but no ones gonna read this anway.
Current mood: 
calm.
4th August, 2001. 4:05 pm. hmmm...
i met the strangest fuckin person today, but the sad part was this guy was just like me in more ways than one.
it all started when my dad had to go to the mall for some spiel, and i went along cause, hey, what the hell was I gonna do? i grabbed my 'make 7 up yours' shirt (even though i vowed never to wear it again, due to the sentimental value from 8th grade, shit, it was the closest to clean)
so we arrive and my dad is like, "go on and meet me here in 2 hours" so i went to the usual stops: EB, EBX, Tees Me, the booth thats affiliated with the Tees Me store, Kay Bee, and the jewlery booth across from foot locker (so i could look at the jewlery i cant afford) and after ALL of that, i realized i had eaten up all of twenty minutes (twenty two if you count my bathroom stop) so, i went to the place where any 14 year-old with no friends and no life would go... B.Dalton. Yes, B.Dalton, the most underated of book stores. I went in there, and immediately went to the very small (quaint in fact) graphic novels section, where i decided to read "crisis of infinite earths" for the 500th god damn time. and this kid walks in to the cramped (aisle if you want to call it that, i call it a sperm shaft) and low and behold, he was wearing a 'make 7 up yours' shirt. with opposite colors, yes, but still a 7up shirt. now, if i wasnt afraid of people as a muh fucka, i would have started some small talk about the shirts: "nice shirt" or something to that affect, but like i said, i am deathly afraid of people. but, he opened the lines of contact first, by asking me if he could see the 'crisis of infinits earths' book i was reading (it was the last one on the shelf[in the sperm shaft]). i was going to say something warm and thoughtful like: "get lost" but it was the fact that we had the same shirt that drew me to this man (not homosexually). so i handed the book over saying "sure, i've read it a million times anyway" trying to sound cool ( i have no idea how that would sound cool, but it was good at that moment) and he said "yeah, me too" now i was hooked, this guy had my shirt, the sheer lack of a life to come to a B.Dalton, and my love for the fall of the DC universe. so i asked him what his name was, it was Timm (with two M's, he made a note to point that out to me). so me and TimM, stood in the sperm shaft until we couldnt stand it anymore, and went to the benches which are just outside of the store. we engaged in some nerd talk over comics, and i discovered he shares the same gift i have, to remember a million things about a comic, but cant remember the name of the person who you met ten minutes ago. we argued which comic universe was better, DC of Marvel, which we decided DC, since Stan Lee basically ripped off all of his characters from in some way, be it little or small. I originally opted for Marvel, but TimM proved to me that it was really shit. So after talking for the remainder of the time, we parted ways, i didnt ask him for like his phone number or anything cause thats kind of fruity, so we just sort of nodded and said "maybe we'll meet again some day".
the weird thing is, after spending time with TimM, i realized how pathetic I am with my obsesion over comics, but i banished that though, since i only like to look at myself in the HIGHEST regards (definatly not a comic geek)
damn, if only timM was a chick, she would've been my future wife.
Current mood: happy.
3rd August, 2001. 3:00 am. I was thinking...
over a long period of time, i did a lot of thinking, and i have realized the reason why i feel that im an asshole thats not worth anything is... the fact that im an asshole thats not worth anything. what i need, is something to do with my life, to make things better for other people. over this long period of time, i was reading a LOT of comics (yes, i am a comic fiend) and i have discovered what my calling in life is. Im going to be a masked vigilante. I already lost one of my parents, now all i need is a costume, a car, and some sort of knowledge of martial arts. Or, i could just have a dieing alien fall out of the sky, and give me a piece of jewlery that grants me super-abilities. Or, i could just discover im from another planet, whatevers most convienient.
Current mood: my eyes are opened.
30th July, 2001. 11:25 pm. Wasn't it just a few days ago when i wanted friends?
well, i got my wish of having my friends back, and i wish i hadnt made that wish. now that i've had time to think about them, i finally realize what jerks they really are. its just like me to do something like this. i mean they really suck, and they treat me like shit, what a miserable plague, these friends
Current mood: sorry.
29th July, 2001. 4:22 pm. Huh?
some people i will never understand, my friend has three jobs, for no other reason than to have money. at the restaurant at freeport he asked a bus boy what his salary was, he said it was 200 bucks a day(which i still dont believe), but my friend ate it up. "just think, in three days you could have 600 bucks" he says. uh-huh, sure, your parents dont even make that kind of money, and you think this snot-nosed little white boy piece of shit does? anyway, he starts saying how hes gonna get a job there. but the thing is, the hours are from 9:30am-1:00am. i dont care how much money i would get, theres no way im getting working those hours. and he lives in roosevelt, to get to that place on time, he would probably have to get up at 6 or 7 something. what the hell is that? i dont think my friend has all of his brain cells in tact. does he even think before making decisions. he decided hes going to work there, without even thinking about it. i really think hes brain damaged. i mean, hes already working three jobs (which he loves to boast about) how much money does he fucking need? oh, and hes got everything planned out, hes gonna buy a car with this money. sure you are, you really think your mother is going to let you have all of that money, without putting any aside for college? i doubt it. it seems like if his life was a movie, the title would be "Mo Money". i cant believe him. and he tries to get me to work at this stupid restaurant too. i dont think so, i like to enjoy my summers, buddy. i'd rather sit around watching tv all day than work that much, even if i was getting paid. i dont think he realizes that when he grows up, hes gonna have to work all the time. jesus, i'll get a dead end job i hate when i grow up, i dont need to throw my childhood in the trash right now. when he grows up, hes gonna be sooooo sad he didnt enjoy his teenage years. i really dont understand him, he told me that he only works so much cause at home he doesnt do anything but watch tv and play video games. THATS WHAT YOUR SUPPOSED TO DO DURING THE SUMMER, STUPID! shit. he sounds like a parent. "i need to keep busy" are you insane? being a teenager is the last chance you have to goof off and fuck around you have before college. take advantage of it! also, another dumb thing that came out of his mouth: "when i get a car, im going to drive everywhere" sure you are buddy, gas is a buck sixty now, how much do you think youll be paying by the time you drive? do you think anything through? your like a little kid, who says"when i grow up, im gonna be a doctor" but theyre unaware of the several years of medical school they would have to go through. thats all he is, a child with big impossible dreams and not enough foresight to realize it. its STUPID people like him that really piss me off. oh and get this, he wants me to save all of my social security money to buy a car. i wish he would shut the fuck up. why the hell would i do that? im getting 200 bucks a month, for free, and im gonna save it? ha! and if i did save it, i dont think a car would be the wisest choice. and he wants me to save the money, when all he does is complain i dont have nice clothes, so i should buy some. i dont care about clothes!! clothes suck! all you do is outgrow them and give them to younger relatives or cousins. if anything i would buy something that would last. and another stupid thing he said,"im getting a sprint phone" sprint doesnt make phone!! they only provide service for phones!! you ididot!! he shows me a picture of a motorola phone that had the little sprint sign on it, "see, this one", i felt like smacking him. but, i cant get mad at the mentally challenged. theyre people too.
and so ends my rant on stupidity, im sure theres stuff i forgot, but i think this is enough for now
Current mood: confused/angry/loud.
29th July, 2001. 3:52 am. Pain, Agony, but at least my cavaties are filled
Today was such a piece of shit that i barely want to recall it to write about it.
i had to wake up at 6 o clock today, and i had to go to my dads office, where i was to wait until noon for him to pick me up, and take me to the dentist.
just imagine the situation, i got up early, to wait somewhere i didnt want to go, to be picked up to be bought to a place i didnt want to go.
so i sat in the office from 8-11:30. it wasnt that bad, since they had a computer, and i was able to fuck around on that. i had to log off at 11:00 though, not by choice. when i signed on, the guy (Scott) told me specifically "no dirty shit" because they (Keyspan) moniters everything that the users do(which also meant i couldnt use AIM). so at 11, i was looking at comics on Marvel.com, and i get logged off for performing an illegeal operation. now wont this look good: i go to the person who told me not to look at dirty shit, and tell him that the computer logged me off for performing an illegal action. luckily, i had my game boy, which i played for the remander of the time.
so i get dropped off at the dentist for my 12 o clock appointment, my dad said he would be back at 1-1:30.
there are two things i hate about the dentist.
1. the small talk, what the hell is with that? i come in and sit in the chair, and a woman walks in to prep the room, she asks, in a chipper-im-a-morning-person voice, "hows the weather outside, is it sunny, getting cooler?". i answer, then she leaves. a second (nurse is it? i dont know) comes in, and puts the electrical devices together, one of which he dropped on the floor (a clumsy nurse, oh boy), then he asked me "hows the weather outside, is it sunny, getting cooler?" i answer, then he leaves. here comes the dentist, he asked me "hows the weather outside. is it sunny, getting cooler?", by now im sick of answering the same damn question. then he asked me "how are you?" i hate that question. what am i going to do, talk about my problems on the dentist chair, what are you a psychiatrist? just do what you gotta do and get outta here.
2. that woman, who comes in and pokes your teeth with those things, those metal hook things. I hate her!!! and she tells you "see how your gums are bleeding?" well, i dont usually poke them with sharp metal objects you stupid bitch!
so, i get my 3 fillings, and this is when the fun starts. to perform the filling, they had to pump my mouth full of novicaine. so after the ordeal,im left with half a jaw that feels like it fell to my ankles.
i was hungry as shit, so i go get a bagel, what a mistake that was. rule numbr one of novicaine, dont bite your lip, cuz u may bite all the way through without feeling it. so i bite into my nice bagel. and suprise suprise, i bite my lip, but it was only for a second, so i figured was fine. then i saw this crazy hot chick ovr by the deli, so i go to talk to her. before i can say anything she says, "uh... your lip is bleeding" how embarassing, i was bleeding all over myself. and not normal bleeding, i mean dripping blood all over myself, i looked like an asshole.
so, my dad was supposed t pick me up at 1-1:30, come 2:10, he finally gets there.
we go grocery shopping, and to wal mart briefly, as an aside about wal mart. since when did all of the black/spanish people go to wal mart. jesus christ it was packed with them.(not a single halfe mind you) and the aisles are all very small, and theres a bunch of people with 8 kids cramming the aisles, its impossibe to get through.
so anyway, at the grocery store, we get all of our shit, but not without walking by 28 black people with cornrows (really), all of these people with cornrows have ruined them, there not secial anymore, at a time there were about 5 people in the world with cornrows, as soon as i grow my har long enough to get them, so i can be unique, theyre everywhere. just good luck i suppose.
well the perfect end to a perfect day, i came home ready to eat, and chewing on the freshly filled side was terrible, and chewing on the side that had been filled 2 months ago, was also kind of hard, but i managed to eat 5 canisters of tic tacs (usually i can eat 10 in one sitting, i hope the pain leaves quickly)
i was supposed to go to a party today, but my jaw nd my lip, feel like they were run over by rush limbaugh, so i stayed home. hurray for me
Current mood: 
hungry.
28th July, 2001. 12:04 am. My Whines have been answered
today, one of my friends showed up on my doorstep. a real shock. well, it turns out that this friend didnt find have time for me, because he works three jobs. why someone would put themselves through such agony is beyond me. so anyway, he comes into my house and tells me that we're going to freeport to get seafood, because i need to get out of the house. so we go to the seafod place, and everything is peachy. and he invites me to his cousins house party, it seems someone up there likes me.
so now i have come up with three conclusions
1 i have a friend after all
2 the others wo abandoned me have no excuse, and are assholes, and should die
3 my life may turn around after all
on a downote, he did have some bad things to say about my choice of hair color, so he can burn in hell still, but just a good part of hell.
Current mood: ecstatic.
26th July, 2001. 10:51 pm. The cold and harsh reality
it has finally occured to me, after long hours of thinking. I cant sit back in my house and expect my friends to come to me, i have to go to them, and be pro-active. But im a lazy, lazy man. And the jew inside of me, would much rather sit back and complain about whats going on, than actually do something about it.
Besides, if i even have to question them, are they really my friends? I dont think so. A true friend is more than that, someone who spends time with you, no matter what, and someone you can relate to, and can never get mad at, no matter what happens. when i really think about it, i have never really had true friends.
Dont walk in front of me
I might not follow
Dont walk behind me
I might not lead
Walk beside me
And be my friend
Current mood: 
thoughtful.
26th July, 2001. 4:49 am. Do i have friends, or comedians?
My friends are starting to come out of hiding. What a dissapointment. Either they demand favors of me, or they make fun of me for not getting out enough. Well, maybe i would get out more if you guys werent assholes and you would invite me alon some place!!!
oh and they love to make fun of my staying at home all day. I would much rather do this than be a camp counsellor, are they so stupid? theyre out there in the blazing heat, and im the dumb one? i dont think so
contact from my friends blows!
Current mood: 
aggravated.
24th July, 2001. 9:44 pm. A Poem
The Smell Of Death
The stench of death will never ever leave you
It will always remain in your mind,
From the first time that you smell it.
It doesnt smell like you would expect
And theres no way to explain it.
But if you ever smell it again
You will recoginze immediately
And it never leaves you
You wish it will,
But you can always
Recall that certain stench.
Current mood: thoughtful.