You Are So Beautiful To Me (original) (raw)
Master List Updated 5/18/12
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August 29th, 2012, 03:21 am
30 days of writing challenge mad day 7 on/tae
August 25th, 2012, 03:38 am
30 days of writing challenge on/tae beginning day 5
Jinki looks back on that confused and strange few days and understands that he and Taemin started something new then.
830 words
Restless, Accusation, Tremble, Intervention
August 23rd, 2012, 09:51 pm
30 days of writing challenge on/tae intervention day 4
Intervention is not on the prompt list but I chose it to use because it fit where I wanted this to go.
1377 words They aren't holding hands; aren't even touching but Taemin feels strange because they aren't.
August 18th, 2012, 11:30 pm
30 days of writing challenge - on/tae tremble day 3
So today I'm really tired and I think this one is a little bit lame but anyway it got written. So booyah!
521 words... "Jinki starts to shake"
Follows on from accuse and restless.
Somehow... and he's really not sure how, Jinki ends up on the bed folded into Taemin's arms as though he's the one that's younger. His chest aches and his head feels like it may explode but it doesn't matter because Taemin feels so good and smells so good and Jesus is this what he's reduced to? He clutches at Taemin's tee shirt, feeling himself shaking and presses his damp face against the other man so that he doesn't have to admit he's crying.
Taemin pets his fingers through Jinki's hair, his thoughts in turmoil. It didn't feel so great to hear Jinki accuse him of being willing to use him for an orgasm... but he has to admit in the deepest recesses of his own soul that he has sometimes been pretty damned manipulative. He can feel Jinki shaking in his grasp and wishes there was something more he could do, some way he could explain himself... and most of all some way to heal this pain.
"I'm sorry," he finally says because his shirt is getting wet and he knows it can only be because Jinki is crying and it hurts to know he is the cause of this emotional break down.
Jinki wants to tell Taemin not to apologize unless he means it. He wants to tell him that he can't stay in Jinki's bed and that there's definitely nothing more between them. But it's not that easy to just push aside and bury feelings that have grown and developed over years - especially when those years included so much struggle and triumph on so many levels.
The very fact he's clinging to Taemin as he is despite all the turmoil in his mind tells the tale.
Eventually some of the immediate jagged edged broken feeling begins to subside and Jinki sighs. "I don't want you to be sorry. Exactly," he mutters into Taemin's damp tee shirt front. "Sorry it hurts? Yeah, okay. But if you're not sorry you broke up with me. If you're not sorry you wanted to... do things... with other people and ... If you're not sorry for those things then... don't bother." His voice is small and cracked and he feels utterly exhausted.
Taemin sighs and shifts a little, but still keeps Jinki wrapped in his arms. "I've been in love with you almost my whole life, Jinki. I had to be sure it really was love and not... something else. I had to be sure of myself... how can I ask you to be sure of me if I'm not sure of myself." He says the words as quietly as he can, not trying to set off more anger and pain between them.
Jinki sighs and stretches out slightly against Taemin's body. "How am I supposed to trust you now?" he asks plaintively.
"I'll figure it out. We will. I mean,... if you want to." Taemin replies slowly. He shifts in the tangled covers, cuddling against Jinki's body.
"Taemin," Jinki says without really answering the question. He closes his eyes and and lets himself simply bask in the feeling of Taemin's presence.
August 17th, 2012, 02:48 am
Accusation On/Tae 30 Day Writing Challenge
894 words of more angsty goodness. 2nd day.
1st day RESTLESS
"So..." Jinki begins, pulling Taemin into his room as everyone is crawling into bed to catch whatever sleep is available. His face is serious and there's a look there that Taemin can't interpret even though he thinks he's seen every expression Jinki has ever worn.
Jinki lets go of Taemin's elbow and the expression morphs into something closer to a frown. He unconsciously drags his palm against his shirt front then drops onto the bed.
"What do you want to do?" he asks finally, briskly, tearing his eyes away from Taemin's face and dropping his gaze onto the speckled pattern of his comforter.
Taemin swallows, pushing the door closed with his shoulder and then leaning against it. "About what, exactly?" he asks. It sounds obnoxious, but it's not meant to be. It's just... confusion swirling around in the air between them.
Jinki shoots him a sudden sharp glance, a ripple of deeply banked anger spiking the look before he forces himself to look away again. "You are the one showing up in my room at night, Taemin," he answers as calmly as he can manage. "Am I wrong to assume that means you want something?"
A sigh spills from Taemin's lips and he kicks at the floor with his socked foot. The way Jinki says that, that Taemin wants something makes his hackles want to rise up, makes him want to defend himself. But, he doesn't want to fight with Jinki. And he's pretty sure Jinki doesn't really want to fight with him.
"I miss you," he mumbles at last. "Just like... you said, this morning. It's not like... something bad."
Jinki stares at Taemin and wonders if the younger man really can be so blind. Can he not see that his presence in his life, in his every waking moment, in his room at night is like being tortured every second? The spike of anger shudders inside him making his shoulders ache with tension.
"You can't have it both ways," he says as calmly as he can.
Taemin blinks, almost physically recoiling from that statement. "I don't think I asked to have "it" whatever it is any way at all," he states with sharp care.
"Oh you're asking, all right," Jinki scoffs. "I... we all... have spoiled you so much for so long... you think you only have to look cute and moon about a bit to get whatever you want. So what is it Taemin? Not satisfied with your other friends? Need some quality time with someone who knows how to make you scream?" He hisses the words out, every single one of them burning his tongue and stabbing at his heart. His fists curl up despite himself and his glance at Taemin is accusing.
Taemin can't quite believe what he's hearing and he stares at Jinki for several seconds while his brain tries to process these statements. "You think I only come to your room because I want you to fuck me?" he asks finally, when there seems to be no doubt what Jinki is saying.
"I think you come here for that... and then you lose your nerve. Or maybe you remember for half a second how much I love you... used to love you anyway." Jinki answers, telling himself that he is not going to cry right now... not going to wish he could just give in and give Taemin what he wants. Just to kiss him, hold him, would be so good.
Wincing, Taemin drops his head, blinking hard. Even though he knows that he's the one that caused the damage in the first place ... he can't help but feel hurt and betrayed by the things the older man is saying. His voice comes out cracked and broken, his throat half choked by the knot of tears that he's determined to hold back somehow.
"For your information, I come to your room because I miss you so much. Because... I still... I wake up and I can't sleep because you aren't there. Creepy as it is... hearing you breathe in the same room as me... it's better than nothing. I know I'm pathetic but..."
Jinki can't process what Taemin is saying, can't make the words compute. The pain he feels is tearing him apart and his ears are roaring with the destruction inside. "I don't understand," he grates harshly, helplessly.
Taemin shifts against the door and steps closer to Jinki. "I just wanted to be near you, okay? That's all. I don't want... you don't have to do anything you don't want to. I just wanted to be near you."
There are tears on Taemin's face, Jinki notes as if in a daze. There is pain in his eyes as well. He reaches out and touches the shape of Taemin's mouth with his fingers and then skates them over to wipe tears away. "Taemin?" he asks sharply, insecurity loud in the small room.
"Just... just let me... hold you, okay? And you... you hold me if you want." Taemin stutters the words and reaches out.
Jinki hesitates, frozen. And then, he takes the two steps forward to put himself into the shaky circle of Taemin's arms. He lets his own arms slide ever so slowly around Taemin's slim waist. "Oh, Taemin," he whispers.
Taemin squeezes Jinki into his arms hard and presses as close as he can get.
August 15th, 2012, 07:12 pm
30 days of writing challenge - on/tae - restless day 1
So a lot of writers seem to be partaking of this challenge and it seemed like just the sort of thing I could use to keep me going. The challenge originates here.
This is 758 words. Taemin always wakes up at the same time every night.
Almost every night, in the deadest and darkest part of the night - Taemin wakes up. And no matter how tired he is or how much he needs to sleep... he lies there. He kicks the covers off of himself in a irritable shift of his long legs and flops over on his stomach, trying to find a cool spot on his pillow.
In the next bed, Jonghyun snorts and mutters something about Key and Minho and then rolls over - obviously talking in his sleep. Taemin groans into his pillow because no matter how hard he tries to keep his mind completely blank and wills himself to drift off to sleep, it doesn't work. Because suddenly, just like always, Jinki is there in his mind's eye.
Crawling out of bed and rubbing the crustiness out of his eyes with the hem of his tee shirt, Taemin staggers into the kitchen for a drink of water. At least, that's what he tells himself he's doing. Their dorm is silent, which is kind of amazing considering how much noise all of them can make.
He stands at the sink, sipping his water, swallowing slowly. He tells himself if he can take five minutes to drink the glass full then he will be able to go back to bed and sleep.
And yet, he turns around with glass still in hand and tiptoes down the hall and into Jinki's room. They may tell the press and everyone that Jinki and Key and Minho share... but that's not how it really works out. Key and Minho have a thing and Jinki needs his space these days.
He parks his butt on the hard wood kitchen chair that found its way into Jinki's room, tucked right on the end of the dresser which also happens to be right at the foot of Jinki's bed. Taemin folds his legs up to his chest and wraps the hand not holding the glass around his shins.
Jinki usually sleeps like a butterfly in a cocoon, completely wrapped up and entangled with his blankets. But tonight, he's thrown some of the covers off in his sleep leaving the comforter half falling on the floor.
There's a night light in a plug in one corner of the small room and there's a little glow coming in from a street light through Jinki's window. It's enough for Taemin to be able to see the dark sweep of Jinki's hair across his brow and cheek and the pale gleam of his jaw.
Taemin sips water, holding it his mouth, staring at Jinki. He feels like some kind of creepy stalker or something to be sitting here in Jinki's room while he sleeps. It's not as if this is the first time either. The thing is, just hearing Jinki breathe, just being in the same small space makes Taemin's brain go quiet and calm.
He bites his lip, putting the glass aside and unconsciously raking his fingernails against his palms before folding them back against his legs. Taemin would give a lot to be able to just nudge Jinki over and curl up in the bed with him. It aches inside his chest, making him feel sick and hollow
But he's the one who wanted his space. He's the one who was restless and wanted to try things with other people. He's the one that made Jinki's heart break into a thousand pieces like a million years worth of bad luck on the kitchen floor.
If Jinki was awake, he'd give Taemin that stare... that slightly aloof challenging stare. He wouldn't be rude or mean but nevertheless Taemin would be reminded that he is locked out of the special little world of "Us" that he used to live in with Jinki.
He sighs and leans his head back against the wall, feeling the wave of exhaustion and longing and love sweep over him. His lids drop over his eyes.
"I love you, Jinki," Taemin whispers to the inside of his eyelids, to the silence in the small room broken only by Jinki's soft steady breathing. Taemin drifts off to sleep to that reassuring sound and the awareness that at least Jinki is here with him right now. Even if the elder doesn't really know about it.
In the morning, Jinki finds him there and sleepily brushes his fingers against Taemin's cheek wonderingly. They stare at each other for a long moment. "I miss you too, aegi," Jinki says quietly, then heads for the bathroom before Key can hog the shower.
prompt list:
beginning. accusation. restless. snowflake. haze. flame. formal. companion. move. silver. prepared. knowledge. denial. wind. order. thanks. look. summer. transformation. tremble. sunset. mad. thousand. outside. winter. diamond. letters. promise. simple. future.
COMMENTS are LOVE. Seriously, I am not critiquing your comments. :)
August 13th, 2012, 04:52 am
New Fic! On/Tae NC17 Pretty Boy in Pink
Author addicterated
Title Pretty Boy in Pink
Pairing Onew/Taemin
Genre Romance, Erotica, BDSM
Rating NC17
Word Count 5065
Warnings Jinki being insanely hot, does that count? Power exchange, light cross dressing, Dominance/Submission, Spanking, Toys... Voyeurism *SIR is Onew just fyi*
Summary On a business trip to a conference, Taemin is mistaken for a working boy of another kind.
Notes Okay so... I know I owe updates on fic. But updates on fic are not coming so I had to write something or my head was going to explode. In an effort to help kill my writer's block I've been reading a fair amount of Erotica. The idea for this fic came from a short story by Erika Masten. I then adapted, changed and wrote it for On/Tae. With thanks to min7girl for companionship, friendship and all the fic you write girlfriend <3
June 21st, 2012, 10:23 am
Personal and Picspam and other stuff update
On my lj, I am too lazy right now to crosspost. It's not locked so you can see it. :)
http://addicterated.livejournal.com/126978.html
Make sure that you watch as well as joining
you WATCH addict_a_fic as well as joining it, otherwise you'll miss messages like the one i'm about to put here for now and cross post there...
I have/had a new cool master list almost done at the time I decided to make a new fic comm. It's a lot of coding and linking to do a master list and I'm too lazy to do another one right now. SO all of the fics that are in my lj are going to stay there until I have time to crosspost each series over to the new comm and update the master. I am unlocking them. There's no way to lock/unlock posts by tag which is a problem so I have to do them one at a time. For now, by request, black orchid has been unlocked and I'll get to the others asap.
I do also ask to PLEASE leave a comment when you read something. Even if you hated it, lol. Even just.. hey I read this. Or something. It really does mean a lot just to see the message.
ETA: I really intended/intend for all of my fics to be locked in the community so only members can read them. However because it is time consuming to cross post everything and to make a new master etc, I am unlocking them on my journal as a courtesy to readers temporarily. If I find this isn't working out for me, I'll have to regretfully lock them again and readers will have to wait til i can cross post. Sorry about all this, things happen.