I believe in innocence, little darling. (original) (raw)

09 November 2011 @ 02:01 am

i wish were less sensitive to circumstance. that i could better deal with transitions and new experiences and with shifts of reality. the second day i was in spain, it felt like i'd never left. a week later, i couldn't remember being home. the day after leaving madrid and arriving in córdoba, i could not fathom that i had been in madrid at all. on the plane yesterday, granada, a city i had been in just the day before, seemed like a dream. and now i'm home and i felt like i haven't been here for years but i also don't feel like i've been in spain. i don't know where i've been. i wish i could just deal with situations realistically and normally and that things weren't so absolute with me. i feel very quiet and within myself and a bit withdrawn. it's not the same level of shock as last time, but it's still here. and it's a bit different. being in spain this time was different. it was affirming. it wasn't discovery and newness the entire time. it was revisiting and finding a constance, being reassured and having nostalgia fulfilled. it was realizing that i don't know as much as i originally thought and being put in my place. it was finding new areas to love in certain cities, it was maybe learning details whereas before was more big picture. sometimes, it was realizing what exactly i love about a place, what makes that place special to me.

a lot of the problem is that i can't seem to marry the concepts of home and spain together. i can't seem to grasp that they are things that exist together, on the same planet, at the same time. it sounds hugely egotistical, but right now at this moment, i cannot fathom that spain is going on over there, without me. that the guadalquivir is flowing through córdoba and sevilla and gran vía is waking up in madrid and that my sergio is sleeping peacefully in his hometown. but when i'm in spain, it's like i forget who i am at home, i forget my memories and my life, it seems. i'm discovering myself every time i'm in spain. that doesn't happen to me when i travel anywhere else. i don't know what it is. i don't know how to deal with it or change it, or even if i want to.

i don't know how i'm going to learn spanish. i don't know how i'm going to do a lot of things. my life is kind of a mess right now and it feels very disorderly and out of my control, but i had what felt like an important epiphany in the car tonight after i took my sister home. if you keep searching for happiness, for the perfect life, for things to get easy, you're going to be miserable for the rest of your life because most people are never going to find that, find that one thing that makes everything else fall into place. you have to get your happiness where you can find it, you have to roll with what is going on in your life and not ignore it because it will never go away. have your dreams, make your dreams, live your dreams, but your life is your life. life isn't something that starts when you find a certain thing, or when a certain thing happens to you. life is what has happened since you began, and every single moment you spend on this earth is your life, and you have to acknowledge that. really acknowledge that. i'm missing spain so much tonight that i cannot breathe, but i also have to think about the right now, about how the weather is perfect tonight, mild enough for my window to be open but chilly enough that i'm going to have to burrow under my blankets to sleep, that my hair is in pigtails and i feel young and that i just watched the first and second neverending story films with my sister, that we sat in my car and talked in a way that we haven't in a long time and that i have a connection with my sister that i have with no one else in the world and that nothing can or will change that. i have to think about how hanson is such a comfort to me and such a constant in my life and they have been for nearly 15 years and what a true blessing that is. i have to think about how i very truly wish i could regularly attend catholic mass in a roman catholic church just for the ritual and beauty of it because it comforts me so much. i have to think about how lorca has nearly consumed me since i went to his café in madrid, how he has been a warmth in my chest since i felt him there and i feel haunted by his heart and i cannot get enough of his words, of his poetry and plays and letters and essays and his life. my love. i have to think about how nikki and i are planning a trip to spain in may and that is my single point of hope right now, my light. spain really is my light, but i know now after this trip that i can have truly dark times, truly bad and lonely times in spain and that those things will not go away if i ever move there. it was a good lesson to learn.

28 October 2011 @ 02:40 am

I've gone to flamenco in Madrid, Córdoba, and Sevilla. I've seen about ten flamenco shows since last May in those cities, and tonight I finally had the experience that I have been craving. First I went to a show at a place called Casa de la Memoria which is connected to the Sephardic Jew museum I went to in Córdoba. It was tiny and intimate and in a candle and lamp lit courtyard with a tiny stage and and incredible couple of dancers and a beautiful guitarist. The theme of the night was duende, and so of course I had to go. It really was an amazing performance and I left with my bones vibrating. Then I tried orange wine which I have wanted to try since I was in Sevilla last year, and god was it good.

Then I went to La Carbonerìa which is two literal minutes to walk from here, and I got there around 9:30. (the performance at la Casa de la Memoría had ended around 8:30) The first performance was fierce and amazing and the dancer was stomping around like she wanted to destroy the stage. She was awesome. And the singer! Ohmygod. I have never heard a flamenco singer live that sings like that. I mean, I have heard some more powerful, but not with more feeling. His voice was like he was singing seguiriyas the entire time. And then.

And then.

A boy shows up beside the stage. A boy who looks like he could be René Ramos' brother (but he didn't look like Sergio. Does that make any sense??), and he had the long hair and the lovely face. Mmm. He started doing palmas during the first performance during which the very white (read: mostly English/french/German/American) audience got drunk and talked loudly. Then during the second part!! Beautiful boy got on stage and did proper palmas and he sang! Oh! Oh. His voice was beautiful. So planitive and sorrowful and hungry. Ohhhh. Wanted.him.

And then we all moved (well, the few of us who stayed) out into the den part of the building and there is kind of a cove with stairs next to the little stage out there and I sat on the bench in front of it and Beautiful sat behind me, in the cove which is kind of the backstage area. Then he left after the first performance. Sigh.

The performance in the den was so moving. It was older men singing and playing and there was just so much in them, in their voices, in the songs. And one of them danced Sevillanas with a younger girl! Heeee. And then even more people left and that performance ended, and I went into yet another room where a small group was gathered and a man was playing the guitar like the stars had sent him to do so. And there was a group of guys around him, doing palmas to every song. And that was the Golden Moment for me. It was flamenco unprepared, unrehearsed, spontaneous and flamenco for the love of flamenco. Just for the joy of it. Not for money or tourists. It was just raw and simple and a pure, concentrated moment of my soul. And I walked home at 2am in a sweet, dreamy daze. When I wake up tomorrow, Sevilla is mine.

Current Location: Spain, Sevilla

i haven't updated about the world cup yet. i just don't know what to say. i honestly felt the entire time, from the very first practice rey and i went to watch at las rozas, that we could win this. not in an arrogant way, i just felt it. i was sure of it. i don't know why or how. i'm usually very superstitious and won't even think about such things, i knock on wood constantly and refuse to say anything and have lucky charms and all that. but i felt so sure of this. so maybe that's why it doesn't really feel like an explosion of freaking out because... we did just what i knew we would. and that is not to say i'm not proud because god, i'm so proud. and i'm happy in a way that feels permanent, like something shifted in me and this has all changed me. it just feels right.

i love seeing all the spaniards celebrating. god, i love seeing them that happy. and seeing those boys be that happy, be that absolutely blissful because they had just played the biggest game of their lives and they won. their little boy dreams come true.

i sat in the floor of the basement of my dad's friend who has a huge theatre screen tv and surround sound speakers wearing my spain jersey and wearing my spain flag tied around my neck and my andalucían flag tied around my waist and i watched their dreams come true. and that changed me. seeing iker so overcome with happiness that he needs to curl up, he needs to sink down and close in around himself and weep. seeing jesús navas come on the pitch and change the entire game in literally minutes. seeing all of those boys together and loving each other and supporting each other no matter what. seeing sergio ramos be the happiest he has ever been, seeing the result of his maturation and his discipline and ever-growing wisdom. seeing him having grown into the man we all knew he would, hearing him being called the best rightback in the world which i already knew. :) it's indefinable, my pride in him. it really is.

i can't talk about nando yet. not yet.

i don't know what else to say. i'm just so happy. it's literally all i can think of. they're all i can think of. i've dreamt of them for two nights now. i hope this feeling goes on for as long as possible for them. i hope they know how many people love them, and how many people that have fallen in love with them on this journey.

spain.

Current Mood: hopeful

i miss it so much.

Why do you gaze to the sky during the anthem?

It's the most important moment for me. It motivates me. I think of my family, my friends, Antonio Puerta, my grandparents.

You also wear a wristband with the colors of Spain.

It's part of me. Nadal and Feliciano Lopez wore them in Davis Cup matches and Feliciano gave me one. Then I picked up a few and decided to wear them. I like to feel identified with the colors of my country. And I feel a little more strength.

he is perfect. i woke up at 3am and look at the tv and sergio is on it and i just can't get him (any of them, really) out of my mind. my heart really just feels full.

Current Location: españa en mi corazón

Current Mood: loved

you know, it's funny. because i started being a fan of la roja about one month after euros, after that amazing, golden time. it's one of my biggest regrets that i missed that tournament, that i missed all those matches, that i missed that penalty shootout, that i could have been watching but wasn't. i'm a new fan. judge me how you will for that. and i feel like a new fan in so many ways, even though this is heading into my third season as a fan of real madrid, and even though i have absorbed and followed this sport, my teams, and the players i love with a fervency of a zealot. i'm still a new fan. i don't have an epic story. i don't have a family history. none of my (known) family is from spain. none of them speak spanish. we're not a football watching family. i don't deserve maybe to be in the same group of fans as people who have loved and supported the spanish national team their whole lives, but here i am. i don't care to admit that i'm a new fan. i don't have any shame in it, and i don't feel intimidated or impressed by people who have been fans for years longer than me, or lifetimes longer than me because i know how much i love this team, this country, and no other person in the world could lower that, or diminish that.

that being said, i cannot believe i am getting to witness this. last summer during the confederations cup, i was brought back down to reality after that defeat to the united states. i have no loyalty to the usmnt, and having to endure that defeat while listening to american commentators and surrounded by americans/american press just... hurt me. a lot. it was good though, in the way that real madrid defeats are good for me. it was good because i learned that day how much i really really love spain, how i love that team for who they are and how i love them no matter what, and, just like with real madrid, i felt that love so much more profoundly when they lost. i fell off my high horse, basically. and i went into this world cup a lot more humbly. i have had an unwavering faith in this team, even when it's felt so scary and even when, after the ninety minutes, we've lost. i knew we could do everything we've done. somehow. i knew. and while i'm saying this to an audience of football fans, to so many of you who are fans of this sport and fans of this team, while you understand that, most people in my life don't, you know? and i'm sure it's the same way with a lot of you. no one understands the importance of this, of this moment. i was at work at 2pm today with my head in my hands, trying to force myself to breathe. because my boys were starting their battle, and i couldn't be there to witness it, to send them my love and my strength in particular moments when they mostmost needed it (futile as it may be, it's what i believe). so i waited for five hours, i got a ride home and ran into the house and we started watching and it was almost unbearable, the anticipation. i don't get off on it. it breaks me. i was so ready to just pause it and check the fucking score somewhere because i almost couldn't handle it. but we settled in and watched the match and it's so wonderful and amusing and lovely because my family has fallen in love with the spanish national team. my sister loves villa. she updates her facebook status about him! and my brother has really gotten into football and he loves nando so much. he worries over him and supports him and screams at anyone who even looks at him wrong, and when he was subbed on tonight, he screamed almost as loudly as i did! and when puyol scored, when that amazing, amazing man scored. GOD. we all lost it. we all lost it. :) i cannot wait for the final. i can't wait.

i can't believe i've gotten to witness this. that i've already witnessed history for this team. that villa is a single goal away from tying raúl's record, and no matter how much it will hurt me when he meets and breaks that record, i will be so proud of him. because he is unbelievable. xabi alonso is so amazing. pedro is incredible. piqué for the most part, has been so fabulous. sergio busquets keeps on surprising me, wonderfully so. llorente and javi martínez and iniesta and of course xavi. and capdevila's passes have been really nice and jesús navas is like a dream. iker casillas is motherfucking back, i don't know if you guys noticed. :) (shame on those people who doubted him.) i liked nando's fire tonight. i liked the way he was moving, his approach. i know he didn't have much time, but i really liked what i saw. i have faith in him, too. i really mean that.

my man of the tournament is sergio ramos. i don't care how biased i am. he has blown me away. he has reached a level of maturity in this tournament that is just... beautiful. it's all coming together with him. he's so exciting and so beautiful to watch. (no, i don't mean physically.) when my love and admiration and pride for that boy can be enhanced, it's something special. god, how many goals has he almost scored? AHHHHH he deserves one SO MUCH.

i love spain. i love spain so much. you guys know this. i know it's pretty much all i talk about, unless i'm talking about sergio. i know i'm a broken record about it, but... god, i do. i just love that country. i love the history and the culture and the people and the music and the passion and the food and the particular spirit of its people, all of it, the infusion of each thing into the other to create the most incredible country. spain is just unreal. it's addictive and heady and beautiful and all of that comes across with this team, with their football, with their passion and strength and their fight.

we can win this. we can. i have no doubt. i love the netherlands, i adore the dutch national team, i LOVE so many of their players. this isn't about them at all. this is about us. because this is our year, this is our moment. it really, honestly is. this exact team, the exact moments of beauty and magic that got us into this final on sunday, the pain and joy that all of us, all of the fans who have been watching since the beginning or maybe the ones who have fallen in love along the way, all of it is what has gotten us to this point. there are other amazing national teams. i really love so many other teams that it's difficult to watch them play against each other, and it's been hard to see most of them drop away. but no other team is just like spain. no other team has the kind of closeness ours does, the exact way they love each other, the way it's a big family, the way that club colors honestly don't matter, the only colors that matter are sangre y oro. there is a magic about this team that no other team in the world has. and again, i may be biased because my world revolves around them, because i follow their everyday lives, but even people i've spoken to who just started watching them in this world cup, they see how they're special. all of this has been meant to happen. every tiny moment has led up to this sunday, to that trophy in iker's beautiful pale hands. this isn't an accident. this is fate. this is our moment because we have earned it.

i would give anything to be in spain right now. to experience it with spaniards who love like no one else in the world, their strange and beautiful love. i want to be there to experience this with them. i know i'm not spanish, that i can never be spanish, but i feel it. i have a spanish heart, and i can't help it. this is my national team and i love them so, so, so much.

Current Mood: my heart is full

he never ceases to amaze me. what would that game have been without him? what would our team be without him? weakest link indeed.

i'm relieved but not happy. there were so many missed chances. so fucking many. and we needed them.

piqué was amazing today. and navas. and xabi. and villa of course. people need to give nando a fucking break. you try coming back from surgery and being immediately perfect.

i think some of the problem is that they love each other too much. i swear. they get in front of goal, and they have the ball and they're like "ohmygodhere. i only want what's best for you GO SCORE." and then the next boy does it. and the next one. until they're playing pingpong in the box to try and PROVIDE for each other. STOP PROVIDING. BE SELFISH AND RUTHLESS AND GO FOR IT. i promise you will be just as loved if not more so!

oh sergio's ribs.

Current Mood: worried

it's hard because six weeks is just enough time for you to get used to something, for things to feel normal, for you to have a routine. for something to feel permanent. spain just felt like it was going to last. and it hasn't of course and i don't know how to deal with it. i still haven't snapped out of it. it's like i keep expecting to wake up to a burning hot sun and overlooking ancient roofs and with the air that smells so different, even in madrid. (especially in andalucía though.)

anthony bourdain was in egypt and he was talking to a man who said you need six days for a place to change you, for it to sink into your skin. i only got five days in sevilla and it changed me forever. how would fifty years feel there? who would i be there? how beautiful can life be?

Current Location: not spain

Current Mood: nostalgic

Current Music: england versus algeria

if i could cut valdes out of this picture it'd be perfect. though i'm disliking him less and less everyday? don't put too much stock in that though. anyway. oh, sergio's smile. ♥

why am i still giddy about the world cup even though most of the games have been draws? i don't even know! stevie was beautiful in the first half yesterday and that mistake by the green nearly killed me. i was so disgusted by their inability to finish the US by the end of the game. i cannot believe they drew. ugh. at least argentina won! i am so in love with pipa. so in love. (by the end of this world cup, i want him to be a household name, even here in the states.)

i met steph my last couple of days in madrid. i never thought i would actually get to meet her and i did. and we got to go to the bernabéu together. and watch an incredible spanish national team game together. i wish i had had so much more time with her, i wish we could have gone on a food tour of madrid so she could have amazing spanish food (that i miss so much) and i wish we could have gotten a tattoo. i wish i could have gotten NO8DO in sevilla. i wish i wish i wish...

that fucking spain-poland game. ohmygod. i am still over the moon about it. when nando scored, rey, steph and i were sitting in the middle of a bar of spanish men and we just lost our minds. i'm ecstatic for him. that's what he needed more than anything. :)

after this world cup, i'm getting a spain tattoo. i want to get a tattoo that looks like someone dragged stripes of red-yellow-red paint over my skin, with no outline. no matter what happens in this world cup. (i'm not gonna say aaaanything to jinx it.)

i think i've gotten my brother sucked into football. i told him that he needs to see messi in action and that he needs to see all of spain in action and he's excited. he used to be a keeper back in the day. :)

this update is all over the place. okay, here: i still have jetlag, and i still miss spain and i have $7.19 in my bank account to last me for two weeks. how's that for an update?

fuck it. here are my babies:

hee.

Current Location: not spain

Current Mood: blah

Current Music: mindless espn commentators talking out of their asses