Fear - Crosposted to Facebook (original) (raw)

I need to write about fear.
I feel as if an enormous weight has been lifted and I need to share.
For 34 years I lived in fear of the person I am inside and what would happen if I let her out. I spent a lot of my life hiding who I am from everyone including myself. I deluded myself into thinking I could have the North Carolina version of the "American Dream", and in the process I damn near ruined the lives of both myself and my former spouse. It took a lightning strike to break me out of my fantasy and realize that life is too short to hide from yourself. Fear kept me from speaking up and speaking out. I took baby steps but not enough. I finally met someone who understood and helped me be comfortable enough with myself to help me begin to deal with and overcome some of my fear. Her love and support unlocked doors one at a time and I began to emerge fragile and naive from my cocoon. She supported me when I experimented with Herbal hormones. She supported me when I decided to start seeking the right doctor, she helped me deal with the rejection I felt and the fear I had when the red-tape became seemingly insurmountable. She supported me in my quest for knowledge and when I went outside of normal channels for my hormone therapy. She trusts me and I hope to never give her pause. Together we began to move forward taking down obstacles one by one, and sailing smoothly through the red-tape miasma. The process began to move quicker than I thought, the changes were very noticeable, and I began outing myself often. Eventually I determined, come what may....NO MORE HIDING! It has been the hardest mantra to follow yet, as I still have the fear, but it is being tempered by determination. For all the months I have tried and failed or been rescheduled or one thing and another, Today I finally faced one of my biggest Fears. My fear was that when at long last, counselors paperwork (an enormous milestone itself) in hand I finally met with the doctor who will walk this journey with me. I knew she would be angry and recriminatory for the methods I felt forced to employ to make it this far, I was steeling myself for the pain and anguish of being rejected outright and having to start all over. This fear was so debilitating that many areas of my life, including my relationship with my spouse were showing signs of serious wear.
I could not have been more wrong.
I was met with smiles and humor and understanding and praise, confirmation, acceptance and good advice. It felt like a large portion of the fear monster dissipated and I could open my wings. Flying is still a frightening thought, but to know that the wings are there, and they work is almost as heady.

I have spent too much of my life living in fear, and it is starting to end. It cannot be battled, only soothed away. I want to add courage to my list of many skills.

I am not crazy, I am a woman and I am very scared. I vow this will not beat me, and I will be a good role model for my daughter that having fear is OK, as long as it does not rule you.

I am not crazy, I am a woman and I am scared. Frightened tho I may be I will not cow to fear, I will channel my fear into creativity, and I will proclaim to the world that "This bitch is not going down without fight!!!!"
Thank you all for your time an attention.
-Erika V.

***Not cut for others convenience, not hidden and made private, not Hiding anymore.***