I Dont Care If It Hurts, I Want To Have Control, I Want A Perfect Body (original) (raw)

Oh Ana, how it's been a while.. Too long, hasn't it? I was stupid to let them take you away. I was dumb and misled. I was a coward, I let them. I know, I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Now, I want you back. I'm coming back to you, begging on my knees. My fat, gross knees. You see me now, and you laugh at me. I know.....look at me now, Ana. Look at what they've let me become. I know you were once proud. I remember when I made you happy. It can be like that again, I want it again.
You always gave me attention, Ana. They were all jealous. They wanted my attention when you were the dominant one in my life. Now that I've let you go, so have they. They don't care anymore about me, they don't take second glances anymore. They did when you were here, though. I don't care about them. I only care about you, Ana. Just you and I. We can have that again, we can rule again.
I want to devote my life to you once again, but you need to help me, take me over once again. Lead the way. Take me over. Let me learn to love, then eventually forget the feeling of hunger. The feeling of accomplishment. of control. of power.
I'll keep you energized with caffine and ephedrine, clean with laxatives. We'll be hungry together. You'll be proud again. You'll see the bones again.
I want you to kill me, Ana. I'm sick of the cycle. The yo-yoing, the up and downs of it all. I want this to be it. I never want us to be parted again. I want to close my eyes one day, and be forever at rest with you. That'll be the day of victory. A day of celebration. It'll be our day, Ana.
I want to write a song for you. A poem. A forever reminder, tattooed on my body. To show you, I'll never abandon you again. Please don't leave, please. I can feel you already.
Together, we WILL see. Together, we WILL achieve. Together, we'll make heads turn again, we'll make jaws drop again. Remember those times? We'll have them.
I'll run my fat off. Not your fat. My fat. You're perfect, I want to be like you, Ana. My feet will blister and bleed, my ankles will hurt, but I'll keep running.
Come back full force, please.
We'll set a goal. Not a number goal. I'm sick of numbers.

I know you are too. Numbers were never good enough for you.
But I want to proove myself. This year, this upcoming year will be our year. By January, Ana, by January. I'll be smaller. The treasure maps of veins will cover my body again. We'll see every muscle. Every bone. It'll hurt to sit down again, oh, how wonderful! I'm so excited. In 1 week, I'll be smaller, too. You'll see my potential. I did it before, I'll do it again....only, with YOU.

Ana, Please help me die. Our goal. Our goal....you'll help me. Oh how I can feel you inside me already!!! Thank you for hearing my prayer...
Help me fade away. Let me feel the hunger soon.
Let me forget what it feels like.

Let me be dead one day, Ana. Thank you. Let me find peace. Thinfully. Let me be small. smaller. Smallest. Let me be the smallest I can be. 95 pounds wasn't good enough for you. So, there is no goal. We'll find my real limits. My real boundaries. I want to see them, acknowledge them, then destroy them.

There are no boundaries.
I have no number goal.
My goal is to fade away.
My goal is to die.
My goal is to find my line.
My goal is to cross it, and never come back.