funeral for a friend... (original) (raw)

I went to pick up the newspaper because my friend's obituary was in it. I had waited until really late to get it... and I went to like 3 or 4 different places looking for it. And didn't. Finally I stopped in at UDF and they had it. When I went in there I saw BT's brother. It's the first time I had really talked to him since it happened. I didn't know what to say. I gave him a hug and told him I was sorry... I mumbled something about being friends with BT since middle school and I've lost a brother too... I wanted to tell him everything would be okay. I wanted to tell him all the things I know about losing your older brother. And that people may try to joke or whatever to make him feel better and not to get too mad at them because they mean well. I wanted to let him know that it will get better, but it will never be the same as before... So many things I wanted to tell him. But it's too soon. And fuck? what DO you say to someone who's lost their older brother anyway? I've been through this... nothing my friends told me made me feel any better. People caring too much irritated me, and if people acted like nothing happened it angered me even more.
I'm still shaking. It's the first time I really cried in a couple of days. Seeing BT's little brother brought back so many memories of trying to survive and trying to stay strong in front of people. I feel for him... I wish we didn't have to go through things like this.

I just hope he doesn't cut himself off from his friends and family like I did. I still somewhat do. And I am never going to do that again.

On a lighter note: I went to a haunted house tonight with my best friend donna, her boyfriend Scott, and our friends Kristina and her boyfriend Josh. It was alot of fun. Instead of staying home depressed all the time, I could actually be having fun with people. Go figure.

I have a therapy session or whatever at a psychiatrist in a week. I hope it helps me. Maybe I will be properly diagnosed and maybe fix my broken mind. I realize I DO need help. I'm too self-loathing, co-dependent, depressed, mood swinging, etc... I need to figure out what's wrong with me so I can fix it. Okay well I'm going to bed now. I have to be up in like, 6 hours. And last night I didn't get more than 3 or 4 hours of sleep because... I was having too much fun.
G'night guys. Sweet Dreams.

I'm feeling: gloomy

Listening to: hopesfall - dana walker