17 May 2007 - If you want to know why your cock itches.... (original) (raw)

My sweet and precious LJ Says,

What a thought-provoking question you pose. Thankfully, I have just the person who can quell your thirst for the answers.

Hey LJ Says,

It is a good thing i am an authority when it comes to sanctimonious douches!

Let me break it down for you:

When people like me go twenty-five years before having their cherry popped and even then it's by the dirt-encrusted finger nail of a middle aged convenience store manager with red hair and pock marks, and then spend eight years at community college while working in a supermarket, only to become a phlebotomist, we tend to become SOUR and DESPICABLE and since no one in the real world takes us seriously (especially when our biggest talent is pretending to read tarot cards), we turn to LiveJournal which is just flourishing with ripe young talent which we will then seek out and begin leaving shit-eating comments to so that their self-worth will be lowered JUST LIKE OURS.

Another important fact to know is that people of my ilk generally do not have real life friends. Maybe they might have trashy drinking buddies, but generally we will come home from a soul-sucking day at work, pop a TV dinner in the microwave, and settle down to a stock pile of old Roseanne episodes that we have been recording on VHS tapes since the nineties. Then we will practice our Roseanne laugh impression and hop online to see who needs the SNARK delivered to them.

We HATE it when people are better than us or are actively making positive changes to their lives. We always have to have the last word and it has to be funny, so very funny, but very biting at the same time which will hopefully make the recipient cry, eat a batch of brownies, and suitably gain five pounds.

Anything you do, people like me can do better and we are not afraid to tell you that! Usually we will end it with YER WELCOME and then promptly jump offline where our boyfriends/husbands will refuse to go down on us for the tenth year in a row so we'll sleep on the couch with our fifteen cats.

See, the best part is that we can do all of these things, and we can get away with it, because you can't see how pitiful and ugly we are through your monitor! We can give you the impression that we are six-foot-tall fashionistas with flawless skin while we're telling you that you're fat and that diet you're on will NEVER work and you should just be happy with your body the same way that we are. But the joke's on you, see, because we're NOT happy! We kind of want to slit our wrists but can't even muster up enough energy for THAT. Drinking vodka and cranberry juice and Mike's Hard Lemonade while phoning in our American Idol votes takes A LOT out of us.

And if you come and join our team, you can have it all, too! All the long restless nights filled with tear-drenched envy and, bad grammar, made-up vocabulary words spawned from watching too much Sci Fi, a closetful of non-descript Kmart brand sweatshirts and lots of lottery-winnins that can be used to purchase new friends by buying rounds for the bar flies at the corner pub.

I hope this helps.

Your sanctimonious friend,

CHRISTINE HANEY