badlubeday (original) (raw)
Faygo is not a lubricant.
September 13th, 2012
Cherry-flavoured vodka as personal lubricant. Sounds simultaneously disgusting, painful to the mucous membranes, and ironic.
May 15th, 2012
was talking with my friend the other day and she wanted some advice on spicing things up in the bedroom with her hubby, it was his birthday and she *really* wanted to treat him... being the wonderful and oddly informative friend about these things i suggested she use space dust or pop rocks while giving him oral. (seriously, it is bloody good - for ORAL ONLY!) she bought 4 packets and it was apparently going very, very well until they moved past oral and onto sex. guess which very stupid (and very fucking sorry) hubby used the next packet of spacedust as lube cause he wanted to give her a lovely time too?? yep. i think 'dog house' about covers it. apparently its very painful.... sharp edges.... ARGH. i crossed my legs in sympathy!!!
December 23rd, 2011
Strawberry ice cream. Hope it was at least not the kind with fruit chunks in it.
April 19th, 2010
(Lovely crackfic, by the way. I do recommend it.)
Butt-meringue and Other Stories
April 19th, 2010
These two, plus a bonus prank and a resource, are from my circle of friends and their friends-of-friends.
Once upon a time, in one of my circles of friends in Texas, there was a couple who were getting it on and strapped for lube. "I know!" one of the guys said. "We shall use these raw egg whites!" So lubrication happened, and on they got it.
"Hey, what's this white stuff?" one of them said afterwards. "Cum?"
"No," said the other one. "...Butt-meringue."
I told this tale, complete with the requisite amounts of snickering, to parts of my San Francisco circle of friends.
"That reminds me of someone," one of my friends said. "Cool-whip."
"What?!"
"Cool-whip."
"EWWWWWWW!!!"
Because a good tale deserves re-telling, I shared this with another of my friends in Texas.
"Egg-whites?!" he said. "I might know this guy."
I gave further details.
"Oh, I don't know him, then," he said. "There was this guy who used to like to sleep naked."
"Mmm-hmm?"
"In the living room. While other people were there."
"Oh my."
"Not his living room."
"... !!!"
"So, long story short, one night someone painted his ass-crack with egg whites while he was asleep on the couch."
"!!!"
"You do know that egg whites can be used as glue, right?"
And finally, http://lubenotlube.freebase.com/ is a resource for many of your NOT LUBE OMG needs, founded after some of my associates and I started playing "Lube or Not Lube?" a few too many times. It does assume reasonable amounts of lubricating substance, as opposed to the Cooking Oil Enema = Hospital scenario. (In fact, I found this comm while googling for "not lube" for ideas to add more things.)