Mark of the Harlot (original) (raw)

Craving
That liminal space with you
A place to ebb & flow
Into each other
Unfurling, blossoming
Into one feeling

I am Oui

I am urgent
I am needful
I am tensed calves
I am hunger
I am want

I am hot moist breath exhaled into your waiting lips.
I am red marks left on skin

I am low belly moan and staccato gasps
I am slippery, slick wetness
I am fingers clutching

I am
now
now
now

I am nerves alive and singing.
I am muscle pounding
blood pulsing, flesh abraded and tender

I am desire
I am need
I am want
I am urgent

-P.D. Ashton
02.18.15

Housemate & I mostly amuse ourselves.

So, I have hair again. And it's curly! First professional haircut & color (yes, I'm a natural Blue) since I shaved my head in '07.

Less and less I can tolerate wearing this

What used to be shield has turned to anchor

So done with false regard

I yearn to be truly seen

Maybe try being strong without being tough

Have you made " tough" into a wall that keeps people from seeing you vulnerable

But it also keeps people from seeing that you seek connection

It's not weak to want
It's not weak to need

So frelling tired. Saturday's iron infusion treatment did not go well. I tried to time it so that the bone marrow reaction wouldnt coincide with my period, but I didnt realize how being close to my period would make it tough to thread a needle and tube up a vein. It took 5 sticks and them almost blowing out a vein on my hand before we found one that worked.

I dont know if it's that, or the IV steroids but I was out of it all weekend. Kept pressing the wrong buttons when getting gas. Lost my truck key in my truck. Forgot my bank card when we finally made it out for errands.

I thought it would be over with by today, but I had the shakes and sweats all day on top of starter cramps.

This is going to be a tough week.

i feel like an embodiment of Desire. All I do is hunger.

My hemoglobin is at 12.7, the highest it 's been in 10 years.

Friends say the difference is amazing.

Yet, I cant get my Ferritin levels to stick. I was at 22 in Feb and have dropped to 15.

My wonderful hematologist was practically gleeful when talking about sending a camera inside me too see what my GI tract looks like.

The only way out is through

I just have to do it in order to fix this for good.

Words Fail

I wish instead of quoting lyrics that I could quote a guitar riff or drum rhythm.

Or the smell of your skin

The way the sun shone through the clouds when you smiled at me

The brightness of your eyes sparking me

Words fail to capture the memory senses that bubble up

Each one a perfect impression
Of what was

Ugh, I keep running into the same attractive guy at work right when I'm being a spaz or grumpy. And it's gotten weird.

I wish I could bell him like a cat, so I have some warning.

I guess the universe is trying to teach me humility.

ugh, I have been the most awkward human all week due to my damn period. I've been chomped on by the elevator once, tried to get in the wrong elevator once, bruised another toe, managed to fork my face. I mean, I know being on your period throws off your balance and stuff, but c'mon, this is redonk.

I'm trying not to poison myself with painkillers, but when I cant catch my breath because of the cramps and my hands are shaking too hard to open the bottle of Motrin I'm gonna err on the side of "cant take too many".

And I know this is why I'm feeling emotionally fragile, and that it will pass. But, I just want to go back to sleep. I suck at recognizing when someone's actually interested in me because I've just been head down for so long, well, (and being married to a shithead) that I'm slow to catch on.

I dont want to log back into Fetlife. I'm not up for online dating. I'm not big into the bar scene. I may go out dancing occasionally ( or at least going to try to in the City on saturday).

ugh, excuse while I go vomit from the pain and stress.

Soooo, seeing as I havent dated in years ... is it different now?

People arent expecting me to read their minds are they? And I figure once I've stated my interest then the ball's in their court right?

how to know when you've been emotionally shut down for awhile ... I cant remember the last time I wrote a poem. Ah, thanks to LJ tags - 2009. The acupuncturist on Friday gave me a needle on the crown of my head for inspiration and told me to write this weekend. So here goes (I dont care how rough this is- for the guy I keep waiting to have dinner with):Internal combustionRemade in desire's flame, I hunger. Lain fallow for far too long, I thought I would pass from this world asleep. blood cool and thin, quiescent in my veins. But now ... My pulse, kindled by your rough voice, throbs indiscreetly at my throat. My eyes devour the lines of your face, your body, wandering, wondering, longing to see your skin, to find the fault lines that lay within. I wait, for you to light me up. Hoping you feel the heat as well. P.D. Ashton 06.21.14

I know the last two months have been stressful - great new place, great new job, last iron infusion treatment, and Peri being ill and dying.
But, I have hope for this year getting much better.

I do miss the good ol' LJ days.

I'm supposed to move on Saturday. Packing is proceeding. I'm living out of the suitcase now. Only problem is with all the vet bills lately, I have no money to move with!

What I'm telling myself -

"It's going to be ok. I know it doesn't feel that way right now, but it will be ok. "

All of my little sorrows combine in a bitter mixture that's hard to swallow