bipolar_chicks (original) (raw)

11 August 2008 @ 08:01 pm

i can't write.
i can't think.
i can't read.
i can't just be.

i think the abilify has made me worse - sicker.
i hate this feeling.
i have no idea where i am.
this place makes the numbness before it feel deep and all over.

i must ween myself off of this med.
this evil brain numbing med.

its making me sicker
and i was already much to close.

Current Mood: aggravated

my doc reluctantly put me on abilify for what he believes was an intense hypomanic episode that would have been full blown mania had i not been already on a cocktail of other meds.

i have a few pounds to lose as it is - will this med make it impossible???? i truly would rather deal with hypomania calmed by meds but slightly annoying then be a fat ass - or even MORE of a fat ass!! LOL i start kickboxing today and i don't want to be shoveling shit against the tide, if you know what i mean!!!

any thoughts????

thx & xoxo

Current Mood: nervous

i am disengaged from any sense of myself.
i understand with some part of my brain that i am a human and that i am on the couch and that i have a job and may at some point have to pee.
i understand that my fingers are moving quickly over small black boxes called keys and that the symbols appearing are letters that hopefully, with luck, make words.

i understand that it is hotter than fuck in this room; that my body is terribly annoyed at the heat yet gleefully thankful for when i am hot, i don't eat.
i therefore understand that i think i eat too much.

but this is all i understand.
everything else has been mounted under a microscope and become small, cellular, globulin.
am i looking at a leaf or is that a chair?
is that pond water or liquid from a punctured eye?
maybe its crayon.

i am disembodied.
hovering above myself
with my eyes still working at their appropriate 'eye level'.

i have no purpose.
nor can find one for anything else.
things,
friends,
people,
cars,
bank accounts....

meaningless under the microscope.
tiny and formless.

i have one thought in my head.
well, besides the thought that repeats "i have no thoughts, i have disappeared"......

have i become atomized just as those things around me have under that microscope?

are my arms even arms anymore - will i drop that glass if i stretch to pick it up?

i am completely numb.
i want to run and hide.

take my books and my poetry -
find a room overlooking a lake and a mountain upstate.
drink wine til i see double

and cut.

change these dreadful summer leaves of constant frog green, into gleaming red lights.
i want to sit upon cool soil
under an almost full moon...

and make little drips of sacrifice to an earth i pray will gooble me up.

Current Location: undetermined

Current Mood: numb

Sorry it has been so long since I posted. I've been dealing with so much since the end of January. I never dealt with things that have happened to me in the past. I ignored them for many years until I fell to pieces. I've had repressed memories since childhood. I was 34 when my 1st memory was triggered by hearing the persons voice on a recording from Christmas 1971. At the time I was four. The thoughts I have had since then have been haunting me for several years. I knew I really needed to go for help for a long time, but instead I procrastinated & tried living in denial.

I completely became obsessed with being the group organizer for two bipolar groups. I constantly worked & thought of ways to make them better. I couldn't sleep the night before meetings & everything had to be perfect. For at least eight or more hours everyday I would be Online researching something to help members in our group. All the while trying to block out more memories & nightmares. I finally gave up when I had some problems with a few members of the bipolar group after a meeting. I've never done well with conflict. I felt so betrayed, hurt & angry by these four members who I thought were my friends.

I kept my anger inside for as long as I could & then I lost it. I immediately resigned as group organizer & completely left the group. Then my extreme anger within seconds turned to complete sadness, feeling hopeless & wanting to die. I called my brother crying uncontrollably and asked him to come over. I told him I was ready to go get help. We researched a couple of hospitals & decided on Timberlawn. I checked in that day. I was diagnosed with PTSD & started the Intense Trauma Program that lasts for three weeks. It was wonderful. Sure it had its ups & downs, but overall I've learned so much. I seriously have had more fun there than I have had in many years. I know that sounds so pathetic, but I have been isolating for many years.

The other patients are so hilarious. When we weren't in group, we were always laughing. After three weeks, I started the day partial intense trauma program downstairs. (that's when you don't stay the night). I did that group for five weeks. I had all sorts of medication problems. Horrible & I mean horrible side-effects.

My doctor had me draw what I feel like & see every year at the end of Oct. So when I did, those detailed memories started to flood back. I chose to check back into the hospital to have my meds adjusted & for more Intense Trauma Therapy. I have always gotten very depressed around my birthday & no one is allowed to sing the Happy Birthday song to me. Even if it was your birthday I would have to leave the room because I start crying. It triggers memories from my 4th birthday. I never knew why I cried when I would hear that song. Now there are so many pieces of this puzzle coming together. I have a long road to go. Plus, I am also dealing with a couple of other incidents that caused PTSD.

I have way too many diagnosis. I won't tell you all of them. You already know the obvious Bipolar II, High Anxiety, Seasonal Affective Disorder in the fall & winter & my most recent diagnosis are PTSD, ADD & OCD. I'm such a catch.

Anyway, I just wanted to update ya'll a little bit since I have been gone so long.
Please let me know how all of you are doing.

I love you,
Rachel aka Vixen

Current Music: Out of My Head / Fastball

I'm getting a little out of control with something that's been my biggest battles for nine years come this October. The self medication of controllable pain.

I relapsed. I hadn't done it since February and I relapsed. This is my third relapse since being in the hospital last November.

I don't know what to do. Everything around me is turning into a trigger now and right now I think I have a small wound that seems as if it would require stitching. But it's such a small spot I don't think it'd be worth going in and having everyone know. I'm struggling as it is to keep my head up with school work bogging me down, struggling as it is to be so alone and just always struggling to keep myself level. To keep myself balanced and to keep this good roll of medication going. How stable I've gotten without realizing another part of me has gone off its rocker. Struggling just to maintain that stability and I don't even realize what it does to me.

Everything is a trigger now. Everything is triggering me. I thought I could manage to read this book but it hit me so hard I was shaking. I...don't know what to do about this. I need to do something, I know it. I'm planning to go to Safe Alternatives soon but I don't know how I'm going to do that. Should I just drop my classes because I know I'm going to have to re-do math anyway and finish them in fall? Go to the hospital now? Or should I stick it out ... wait until I have the time but maybe not the insurance?

I'm so at a loss. Don't know what to do.

Current Mood: restless

21 January 2008 @ 11:43 am

I've never posted to anything before but I had a couple things I wanted to put out there. I really like the fact that there is a group of people that know what it is like to be a woman dealing with being bipolar. I don't get to go to the meetings a lot but when I have I really found them helpful. And like I said it is great to know there are people that know what I deal with. Because it's not just about being bipolar. it's about dealing with the difficulties of life and ALL that goes along with it! Throw an illness that screws with your rationality, among other things and you've got a whole other mess to manage.

I also wanted to ask how many other women are on an anti-depressant. My doctor recently put me back on one. To make a long story short, the last one I was on threw me into a psychotic episode. So, here I am nervous and depressed and on 2 mood stabilizers. The thing is that I have always been on an anti-depressant. From before I was even diagnosed as bipolar. So, it makes sense, but as I said I'm a little nervous. The doc assured me that there were MANY other bipolar suffers out there that were on one but as we all know they don't always know everything. Anyway....any comments on this would be appreciated.

Thanks for letting me ramble.

06 November 2007 @ 03:58 pm

Hello Bipolar Chicky's:

I know we only have three members so far, but that is because we have only had this community since November 4th. Bella I know you like to post. You should make the first member post. We have a Women's Bipolar Group tonight. I prefer the name for our meeting group to be "Bipolar Chicks". It's much more fun & a cool name. Some of our older members think if we kept the original name 'All Girl Chit-Chat" that people would get confused & think the group was only for little girls. They would really have to be stupid to think that, but whatever. So I changed it to the boring "no one will get confused" name that was suggested. Yuck!!! It hurts me to even have to say "Women's Bipolar Group" It's so not a name I would EVER choose.

I'm changing the name officially right this second & I'm not changing it again. The official name for the Meeting group is "Bipolar Chicks". If someone thinks we are a bunch of baby bipolar chickens that have group meetings & post messages here then they really need to check into the Mental Hospital. I wish I had some baby chicks that could type & chat at meetings. I'd make a million.

I better go get dressed for our Bipolar Chicks meeting tonight at 7pm. I hope to see Bella there. We have a door prize at every meeting. Don't show up just for the door prize come because you want to talk to the talking chicks.

Start posting!!!
Thanks,

Vixen - Group Organizer

Current Mood: thirsty

Current Music: Paradise City - Guns-n-Roses