Something to post (original) (raw)

I was thinking about what I might be able to post about or conversation to bring up, and I thought of this piece that I've been working on. It's a part of a new zine I'm working on. So I thought I'd share it here. I do wrap up the ending in a bit more of a binary way of thinking then I tend to use, but I think that was important to the point I'm making. It's one of the compromises I'm making now that I seem to have cultivated a fairly strong binary identity as woman in addition to my very strong non-binary identification.

I am Butch
The common assumption is that trans women transition in order to be feminine because they aren’t allowed to be feminine as children. However, in my case, I played with my little ponies as a child, my parents were willing to buy me pink tennis shoes, they gave me dolls, and the fact that I liked to play with girls was never questioned or seen as a problem. I was always allowed to be feminine. If anything, I transitioned in order to be masculine.

Masculinity was always awkward for me when I was seen as a boy. Most memorable was when my fifth grade baseball coach tried to teach us all to “spit like men.” I made an obligatory attempt, despite feeling rather uncomfortable with the concept. Looking back on things now, it wasn’t the masculinity that I had a problem with; it was the male identity part of it. If I had it to do over again, I’d love to have learned how to spit like a woman.

I’m happy to express masculinity as long as I can make it clear that it is female masculinity. In fact, a major turning point in understanding my gender identity happened when I started performing as a drag king. That was the first time I passed as a woman. With such a strong assumption that drag kings are women, it was easy for me to be seen as a woman, not in spite of my masculine presentation but because of it.

A year ago I grew out my chin hairs. After years of testosterone blockers and some laser hair treatments, I found that it was much more like the kind of facial hair I have seen on cis woman than on cis men. Others noticed this too. I was stunned to find myself passing more often instead of less. I’m not sure whether it was because of my new comfort and confidence in myself or because men don’t have facial hair like that. Either way, it was the exact same reaction I got when I cut my elbow-length hair to ear length.

It’s not hard to point out parts of my presentation that are masculine. I rarely wear bras. I have leather combat boots. I sometimes bind. I love simple tank tops or muscle shirts. I pack a strap-on to play parties. I often wear baggy clothes. I sometimes get asked what the point of transitioning was if I still have so much masculinity. From my perspective, though, each of these things affirms my female identity instead of detracting from it. That’s why I prefer to be called trans-female rather than trans-feminine. Because when it comes down to it, I’m trans-masculine, too.