Can't live with em, can't live without em. (original) (raw)

Hello all,
I thought I'd finally contribute to this LJ! You see, someone recently wrote me asking how they could get over someone they adored, but who didn't adore them. I thought it would be a good idea to post the response, since most of us are going through something similar. If you want to see the letter and the whole response, you can just go to my LJ.

"First of all, you might not be ready to move on. There's something sweet and gratifying about the pain of unrequited love. No matter how self-destructive, basically everything we do (and continue to do despite consequences) brings us some sort of pleasure--that's why we do it! From procrastination to pining, we hurt ourselves but deep down it feels oh so good. Or it just benefits us. Maybe you're not ready to let go now because you get a reward each time your heart swells with longing. That last sentence should be in a Fabio-covered book, but whatever. It's fun to long! Sure it's masochistic, but I suppose it "reminds us that we are alive."

Funny story, one night I was literally in pain (I said it would be funny) from worry over a certain person. At times I would forget about my problem and the pain would go away. When I realized that I was no longer hurting, I would actually try to COME UP with things that would make me worried. It was a strange, semi-voluntary response to emotional peace. I didn't feel right until I was back in pain. It felt right. It even felt productive.
But aside from that, there are a few things you need to remember. If you internalize these points, constantly reminding yourself of them, you will feel better.

  1. You don't need him. Sounds obvious, right? But there's probably a part of you that thinks that he is the missing part that will fix or improve your life. It gives one a sense of belonging and importance to think that the Key to their life is floating out there in the universe. It sounds cosmic and hot and stuff. But he ain't the Key.

  2. You may think you need him, but what you really long for is the fantasy created by your own imagination. The "Republican Loser" only served as a model for the person you were attracted to and needed. The R.L. will only disappoint you because he is not your fantasy come true. Like I said, he ain't the Key.

  3. It is okay to let go. Giving up on R.L. is not a testament to how much you suck or how your life is a mess. You aren't losing any part of yourself or the great potential of your life by losing the memory of him. You never actually made a promise to stick with him forever, so you don't have to! And even if you did make vows before God or whomever, it's still within your power to leave. I hope #3 makes some sense.

  4. You can't quit cold turkey. It takes time. You are going to relapse. I repeat, you will relapse. You are going to fall back in love (and out of love) again and again. "Time heals all wounds" is the truest fuckin' thing I've ever heard. Yes, there will be memories and maybe regret, but look how well you function despite the heartbreaks of the past. Sure you think about this guy and that one, but you're not crying on the floor over them anymore.

  5. Last, but not least: IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT! I don't care how tempting it is to think it, (maybe it adds to the sweet sorrow), but there is NOTHING wrong with you. Okay, maybe there are things wrong with you, lol, but they are not the reason why he wasn't interested in you. This is the hardest part to remember, and I don't know how to force it into your head and make it stay there.

Although you are totally deserving of love and attention, sometimes it just doesn't come. There isn't really an explanation for it. Love is inherently unfair, stupid, and unruly. For example: There's a guy I know whom I totally *should* like, but I just don't. I don't know why, he's quite a catch, but he just didn't come into my life at the right time, or something--I dunno. I can't explain it. Is there something wrong with him? Not at all! There's something very RIGHT with him, but my mind just didn't latch on to the idea. Go figure.

Okay, this is getting really long, but my final bit of advice is EXPRESS YOURSELF. This is how I'm getting over someone and it's doing freakin' wonders for me. I have made more progress in the last week than I would have made in months. It was scary, don't get me wrong, but I couldn't keep all this shit to myself any longer.

Feel better! I know you can do it!!"