CARITAS＊HEALING (original) (raw)

Q.「愛」という表題の中にある自己愛の訓練を実行しなさい♡

皆で食事したいと言うから約束して

先にお店に行き待っていたのだけど

待てども誰も来ず、何の連絡も無く

宿先に戻ってみると約束した本人は

自分の部屋に人々を集めて囲まれて

食物を振る舞い注目を浴び得意気で

どうしたのか？と恐る恐る尋ねると

皆で部屋で食べたからと謝罪もない

彼女には有頂天の体験だったろうが

私には心が凍り付き裏切られた体験

その時は何が起きているか分からず

反応から目をそらしスライドさせて

感じれなかった怒りは別な人に向き

全然平気と穏やかさのマスクをかけ

自分自身を置き去りにし胡麻化した

私は何を感じたくなかったのだろう

生きる屍のような生き方はもう嫌だ

怒りの下にある惨めさ悲しさ孤独感

サイコパスウィークで癒していこう🍀

Psychopath Week/Betrayal experience

She said she wanted to have dinner with me and we made an appointment. I went to the restaurant first and waited, but no one came. I never heard from her again.

When I got back to the hotel, she had gathered everyone in her room. And she was proud of the attention she was getting. When I asked her what was wrong, she said, "I had dinner with everyone in my room," and she didn't even apologize.

It must have been an ecstatic experience for her. But for me, it was a frozen experience of betrayal.

I didn't understand what was happening at the time, so I turned my eyes away from my own reaction. And I directed the anger I actually felt towards her at someone else. I put on a mask of calm and said, "It's all fine," and left myself behind and fooled myself.

What did I not want to feel?

_I don't want to live like a living corpse. Through Psychopath Week, I hope to shed light on and heal the misery, sadness, and loneliness that lie behind anger._🍀