Champagne Kisses. Zero Self Respect. (original) (raw)

Setting: a Nazi General's fine office. General Gruber is listening to classical music while being fitted for a new suit by a tailor, with a beautiful blond attending

(there is a knock on the door)
Gruber: Enter!

Schtum: (entering) Heil Hitler! (salutes) General Gruber?

Gruber: I am General Gruber. As you can see, I am the Nazi general who is always being fitted for a new uniform. I enjoy the company of beautiful women while listening to classical music with my eyes shut. (he does so)

Schtum: I see.

Gruber: I am also the Nazi general who says "You see captain, we are not all barbarians."

Schtum: I am Schtum, the Nazi general with a mean streak to my character. You will find that I am always removing my gloves. (he does) So. I disapprove of other generals being measured for new uniforms. And I am always the one who is winding up the telephone (he does) and saying "Get me the Führer!"

(a knock on the door)
Gruber: Enter!

von Dunkerl: (entering) Gentlemen, allow me to introduce myself. General von Dunkel. I am the slightly pervy general. And I may also be a little bit GAY. Heil Hitler! (salutes) As you can see I have a twitch. And I am always dabbing my mouth with a handkerchief because I have no lips.

(a knock on the door)
Gruber: Enter!

Kessler: (entering) Good evening gentleman, I am Kessler. I am the easy going general who does not need to salute properly.

All: Heil Hitler!

Kessler: (barely salutes) Ja ja... You will notice my ludicrous scar, and my obvious limp. I also have spent many happy years in London.

All: (sentimentally) Aaah.

Kessler: The reason for my uniform being a slightly different colour to yours is never explained.

(a knock on the door)
Gruber: Enter!

Matthau: (entering, limping) General. General Matthau. Forgive my late arrival, but as you can see I have a rather obvious-

Kessler: (clearing his throat) No, I am afraid the limp is me. I'm afraid.

Matthau: (stops limping) But of course I am a little bit GAY, and I dab my lips with a -

von Dunkerl: I think you will find that is me, my friend.

Matthau: (throws away handkerchief) In which case I must immediately wind up the telephone and say .

Schtum (shouting in the telephone) : Get me the Führer!

Matthau: Atleast I still enjoy the company of beautiful women and listening to the grammophone, classical music (sees Gruber doing so) - ...with your eyes ...*shut*?

Gruber: I'm afraid so.

Matthau: You leave me with no choice! I am the Nazi general who is outwardly calm but subject to sudden and inexplicable *FITS OF TEMPER!!!*

All: Aaaaah!

THE END.
(transcribed by actor.w\nothing2.do@viikki.fi)
http://www.silen.info/robert/funtxt/nazigenerals.htm