chaseperfection (original) (raw)

| | Hi there.I don't know if anyone will remember me?I posted to this community back in June, I was one of the original members in fact.I'm sorry I've been away so long.I moved away, moved in with my bf, started a job, it's been a busy time.I've picked up so much weight again, and hate myself.I need to get back on track.I hope you don'#t mind me posting here after such a long absence, I just need to do this.Thanks for listening.J X Hay babes, haven't been on here for so long! To long actually. I've been away during our Uni holidays and on returning back to start the second semester found my trusty laptop was not so trusty anymore and have just replaced it:) So, here I am...Maybe I should up date on my stats etc since it's been a while...HEIGHT...5ft 7H.W...53 kgs (116.6 lbs)L.W...42 kgs (92.4 lbs)C.W...46 kgs (100.2 lbs)I think the last time I posted, which was probably about a month and a half ago, I was 50kgs (110 lbs)...so to lose 4kgs (8.8 lbs) in that time is pretty revolting, I'm still a fat b**** who can't stand to look at herself in the mirror, I swear the only time I can remember looking in a mirror and feeling satisfied was when I was 12 years old dressed up in a skanky outfit (as Posh Spice) for a Spice Girls party and I thought I was soooooo hott hahahaaa. Over the hols I went to Bali with my b.f and another couple, was so amazing! Has anyone else been there? Being in a bikini all day everyday I knew the possibility of binging was going to be non-existent but we were going out for breakfast, lunch and dinner EVERY FUCKING DAY. That frightened me, beyond imagination. I managed to get away with having a small freshly squeezed juice at breakfast...No lunch, just said I wasn't hungry from the heat and 'Gadu Gadu' for dinner (mixed veges that comes with rice and a peanut, satay sauce on the side and cute little popadom rice cracker thingys.) I passed on the rice and cracker thingys and only used half of the sauce most nights...How much alcoholic calories I consumed over our two week holiday will not be mentioned haha. So there's my reason for the shocking weighloss. Anyways hope all of you are feeling good, feeling great, feeling fine I'm done with classes for the day so off to the gym it is for me:):):)...I normally go for just over two hours each day but I'm fasting at the moment and am on my third day doing so, so we'll see how the energy levels hold up.Much lovin, SummerXXXMood:calm Well,Im sick in bed with a chest infection, as I have been all week! Which sucks because its only the second week of uni and everyone else is partying!On a more positive note I've lost my appetite and my weights dropped down to around 49 to 48kg. I can't believe it. I look like shit though so that kind of takes some of the joy away from the weight loss!My skinny housemate has put on around 6kg and has massive thighs and a huge ass. It makes me laugh all the time, haha. However, she keeps coming home with food for me, cake, icecream, fast food. Im like thanks, but no thanks. Some people aren't very tactful, she knows i won't eat it. I'm kind of at the stage of my eating problems where i dont know where to go from here. I'm entirely obsessed in a way that is just not healthy. I am very critical of myself and wish i could be thinner. But i just dont know if i can keep fighting to be lighter, its so tiring. Is being 45kg really worth all the pain and suffering? Thanks everyone. *cough cough**sneeze sneeze*stay thin...Location:bedMood:satisfiedMusic:whurring of my fish tank Ok, so today is my last day at my job and everyone is throwing me a send-off. It's a combination of my worst nightmares - lots of food, lots of people, people watching me, people making speeches about me and me having to say something to everyone at the end. I'm scared, anxious and nervous already (and it's 6 hours away!). WTF am I going to do to cope?!?!I'm SO scared to leave my job and start a new one. I crave stability more than anything and I'm going to be out of my comfort zone. As if just living isn't me being out of my comfort zone...I feel like shit about everything; I feel like my life is completely out of control and I don't know what I can do to get back on track...or even if that's even possible anymore. I'm thinking about going back on anti-depressants.So essentially, I won't have access to a computer for a while. My new job is for the government and I won't be willing to risk accessing this site at work, so I'll have to buy a laptop. Guess that means I won't be on here for a while. Given that, I just want to thank you all who have helped and supported me whilst I've been here and to thank those that have let me help them. I'm going to miss you :(Bye for now.Mood:Petrified about everything I'm now a constant 50kg at 160cm tall. Went home for the uni holidays and got sick of people calling me skinny....I mean i would understand if i was skinny, my stomach is still so fat.Sometimes, I wish I could see what everyone else can. "Those skinny legs, nice hair.....", etc. I am constantly criticising myself in my head, it's like a running commentary for my whole life, from the time I wake up until i go to sleep.I'm assuming I'm not the only one like this?I'm so negative...50kg was always my goal weight and now it just doesnt look low enough. I'm a size 8 now, where is there to go from there? My next goal is 45kg, I know that it will cause a stir from the family, but im not going home for a while.Hope you guys are having a fan-bloody-tastic day!!mWAHLocation:uNI roomMood:tiredMusic:Blink I've been gone for a couple of days; I had some time off to think.To those of you who gave me advice re: my husband and I last week - I owe you all a HUGE thank you :) Basically what is going on is that we are going to counselling together. We've already had one sesssion and it went well. I'm quietly hopeful...I ate like crap over the week-end and my days off, although some would say it was eating like a normal person. The strange thing is, is that I'm really craviing junk food. It's like eating a bit of it sets off major cravings for more. I should have just not eaten it, but I didn't have much resolve over my time off. All my thoughts were around my relationship, husband etc.I MUST GET BACK ON TRACK.I'm tired today; I slept REALLy badly, but then again, I always do (much like most of you). I hate it; it's awful. GRRR!!!Mood:tired I've had a rant in my journal re: my latest thoughts on my husband. If anyone that cares to read about that, that is.The fat voices won't stop screaming at me.I think I'm slowly going crazy; the fat voices and thoughts, my husband, the new job. It all seems like too much to cope with.ARRRRGGGGGG!!!! I hate my life.Mood:melancholy In my last entry I wrote:"What's the go with some of the dodgy people on here? Surely they have better things to do that put crap and unbelievable posts on here?!?!? (the popcorn diet? WTF; do they think we're stupid?) Please don't reply to any of their posts. It isn't worth it."I DIDN'T MEAN IT!! I double posted the entry here and on pro anorexia and forget to delete this part when I put it here. Sorry. None of you are dodgy and just wanted to clarify and apologise.Mood:Sorry Ho hum; the week-end went okay. The only fatty thing I ate was 2 slices of pizza. I was cranky about it, but week-ends are ALWAYS my worst time, so I guess that amount wasn't too bad for how I usually am.As per usual, lots of wine...That said, this week-end was one of my all time worst in regard to trying to ignore the 'you're fat and worthless' voices. They were screaming at me left, right and centre every minutes of every day. It sure made for a depressing week-end.Last night I did 2500 sit ups; I do them like I'm on a bicycle and move my arms back and forth so my elbows touch the opposite knee (I hope that makes sense; there must be a name for the actual exercise!). I did a fair bit of exercise over the week-end actually; all in an attempt to banish the 'voices' but they just didn't disappear or even get smaller.What's the go with some of the dodgy people on here? Surely they have better things to do that put crap and unbelievable posts on here?!?!? (the popcorn diet? WTF; do they think we're stupid?) Please don't reply to any of their posts. It isn't worth it.Hope you're all doing well; stay strong and good luck :)Mood:At work and feeling lazy Hello there.I have been very limited with my internet time, with looking for work and all. Pretty much with my food situation, I have only been eating when with the boyfriend because he started to worry and I didn't want him to be upset. I haven't been on the scale for awhile, I am kind of scared to look at it.Hope you all are well.Mood:mellowMusic:Over My Head (Cable Car) - The Fray Previous 10 EntriesTop of Page | | ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ |