Rachel (original) (raw)

This is something that I have just written on the Miscarriage board - purely for my records:

Here I am again... I haven't posted here since I experienced either my first or second miscarriage before I had my 2 children.

First off I had a hydatidform mole way back in 2003 (just after easter as it happens) - I woke up bleeding a LOT at 15 weeks, that ended up as a D&C and what felt like constant bloods. On the mini pill I got pregnant 6 months later (which is very naughty, as I was supposed to not get preg for 12 months, due to monitoring) I miscarried around 9 weeks then.

It took about another year I think, to get pregnant with my now 4.5 year old daughter, then I got pregnant within 3 months of trying for my son, who is coming up 3. I thought I'd gotten all this getting pregnant stuff down pat!

So, we tried again for #3, it didn't happen, and didn't happen... I think it was 4-5 months after we started trying that I did get pregnant - that was Nov 07. At exactly 5 weeks, I started bleeding, and by the next day, it was all over.

I was emotionless, I was depressed, but I just couldn't cry - it was as if my tear ducts had come out with the baby I had lost. About 6 months later though, the flood gates opened, and I felt like I cried for a week :( In that time (before the week of crying) I started seeing a Craniosacral therapist, which was great, she suggested that perhaps I hadn't let go of the last miscarriage, and perhaps that was what was holding me back from becoming pregnant again - I think thats what triggered everything actually.

So, we were TTC for a couple of years I think, before I threw my hands in the air and decided that I could NOT take the clinical side of trying to get pregnant anymore. So after a while, I really did stop thinking about it, I actively tried to ignore all the signs of natural fertility I had learned, and eventually, yes, I did stop thinking about getting pregnant all the time.

So, I planned a cocktail party for Easter Saturday, almost a week ago. I'd been getting all sorts of signs that I might be pregnant, but I had well and truly dismissed them as my body playing tricks on me again. But it was enough for me to do a test on the Saturday morning (when I was CD 29, of a generally 31 day cycle, but I had an inkling that I had ovulated earlier than expected last month)

Imagine my surprise and euphoria when that second line came up! I was utterly stunned, gob smacked, and walked around for the next few hours looking like a stunned mullet. I told the girls at my cocktail party why I was on the mocktails instead, and they were all really happy for me!

The next day, my husband posted about my pregnancy on his facebook, and one of my friends was the first to comment, so I posted on mine too - the congratulations came rolling in thick and fast!! I let the nausea that I had been ignoring for the past nearly 2 weeks wash over me, and drank ginger beer. Although I kept rushing to the toilet every time I felt a trickle - that damned CM that makes you feel like you've just wet yourself - thinking that it was blood!

Then on Tuesday night, I popped out to take something to a friend. I used her toilet while I was there, after feeling another trickle - I think I let myself think for once 'ah, its just CM' I think there was a tiny little pink tinge to it, but I put it down to the lighting in her bathroom.

I got home, and went to the toilet again before bed... I had old brown blood.... I started to shake... it was happening all over again, wasn't it? We'd jinxed it again by telling people, hadn't we? Oh god, no not again!!!

My husband tried to get me to think positively... it didn't work, I just wanted to cry!! I hoped against hope that it was just a little bit of old blood, nothing to worry about, right?

The next morning there was the tiniest bit - remnants of the little bit of spotting from last night.... but as the day went on, it just got more and more.... and by the time bed time arrived, I found all I had was panty liners... so I decided I'd better use my cup, just in case.

In the morning, my cup was full to overflowing, and I knew that was the end :( I sent a text to my midwife, who was supposed to be coming to do my first lot of bloods and my booking in appt that afternoon - she knows my history - she was very sorry.

I cried. I just let the tears come this time. They came on and off all day. My son had an unexplained temperature most of the day too, so we sat on the sofa, and I fed him, and I cried. My daughter snuggled in next to us, and I cried some more.

I am trying so so hard to remind myself that I am blessed to have two happy healthy children already, which is more than some people who so desperately want and deserve a child of their own.

I just can't help but wonder why I can't sustain another pregnancy, what is it?? WHY???? WHY????????

My midwife is giving me a referral to the Recurrent Miscarriage Clinic, so hopefully that will give me some answers. :sigh: