Chronic Fear's Journal (original) (raw)

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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded inChronic Fear's LiveJournal:

Friday, May 28th, 2010
_11:18 pm_[novanglus]	sick with fear (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 28th, 2007
_10:23 pm_[novanglus]	"Survivors" By WWI poet Siegfried Sassoon:No doubt they'll soon get well; the shock and strainHave caused their stammering, disconnected talk.Of course they're 'longing to go out again,' —These boys with old, scared faces, learning to walk.They'll soon forget their haunted nights; their cowedSubjection to the ghosts of friends who died,—Their dreams that drip with murder; and they'll be proudOf glorious war that shatter'd all their pride...Men who went out to battle, grim and glad;Children, with eyes that hate you, broken and mad. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 28th, 2006
_10:22 am_[good_riddance88]	Hi I am Tiffany, I am 17 years old and I've had severe anxiety ever since I was about 10 years old. I have this fear of losing my mind and that's all I dwell on and sometimes I convince myself that I am going crazy, I think I am crazy, does anyone else here have this problem to where everything is focused on that one fear?? (2 Comments \|Comment on this)
Friday, February 10th, 2006
_5:53 pm_[analgesic_pains]	Heart Yesterday I had a panic attack in a lecture. It was short lived but I just wondered about this.Instead of my heart beating really fast and hard, it slowed a lot, and was beating harder than I've ever felt it?Is this normal or have you experienced it?Thanks,Lesley x (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 18th, 2005
_10:03 pm_[analgesic_pains]	Hey,I've got an unconditional place for dental school and I just got my medical check forms in.I have (or have had) Generalised Anxiety Disorder. I was treated briefly for ten months in therapy and took medication for a very short period of time. I always managed to go to school, maintain a normal lifestyle and everything. (well, I can tell them that winks LOL)The medical check is asking if I've ever had any mental health issues or treatment. My parents are screaming at me to say no, I've never had any (because clearly it's horrible and wrong to have suffered from a mental problem), but I'm not sure that's the best route to go down.Have any of you been in a similar situation? What do you think I should do? Thanks,Lesley x (1 Comment \|Comment on this)
Thursday, July 14th, 2005
_9:54 pm_[analgesic_pains]	Hey,A while back I posted about writing a letter to my school about improper conduct as regards my anxiety disorder. After posting here and having such encouraging replies from all you guys, I wrote it and sent it... About three weeks later, I walked downstairs to find a letter from my school staring me in the face. They replied. You can read my letter ( here Collapse )This is the reply ( here Collapse ) and since you maybe don't know the full story with her I've annotated it lol. This letter made me really mad, and just magnified her ignorance even more. Grr.Anyway, just wanted to let you all know how it went since you were so encouraging :-)Lesley x (Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 21st, 2005
_11:39 pm_[analgesic_pains]	School + Letters Ok, the end of school is coming at me really fast now... And I just wanted to ask if this would be ok.... Over the past two years I've experienced a lot of... bad attitude from staff members over having a mental disorder. Sample of things that happened ( under the cut.Collapse )I want to write a letter to my year tutor basically explaining the things that were going on, and saying "hey, this ain't right, do something about it." We pay £7000 (almost $13000) a year to send me to my school and I don't think that teachers should get away with this sort of thing, particularly when we're paying that sort of cash. Would I be out of order to send a letter? I just fear for the next person to go through the same thing because I now have almost phobic reactions to a lot of teachers and hate school... Which I think is wrong...I also had a wonderful teacher last year who was compassionate and kind to me regardless of whether I was mentally healthy or not and treated me normally (about the only one sadly.) She always encouraged me to pursue my goals unlike the other staff who tried to dissuade me. I wanted to write to her and tell her how much I appreciated her efforts and why I couldn't speak to her for the past 6 months.What do you think? (2 Comments \|Comment on this)
Sunday, April 24th, 2005
_10:18 pm_[analgesic_pains]	Hey,For a long time I've had suspicions I was emetophobic, and I would like to know your opinion!I have chronic GAD + PA's but my panic attacks have become only about vomiting and anything vomit related now, pretty much.I have to make a doctors appointment to see about something else. I was thinking I could say to the doctor I would like to see someone because I have suspicions I have a phobia that is disrupting my life. I'd have to work out how to break this to my parents and that but hey... Small sacrifice. I am terrified of the treatment but just feel as though, now, I would be ready to go through with some treatment or whatever. So anyway the things I've been experiencing are as follows:-I can't talk about vomiting. I can for a couple of seconds then I get anxious and restless and afraid.I am anxious watching TV when there's a chance there may be someone who will vomit on it. Just tonight I saw Tarnation and the guy threw up a couple of times. I literally slid down so I couldn't see the screen and covered my eyes with my hands. If a family member is sick (even not vomiting/non contageous) I can't touch anything they've touched, can't be in the same room, can't care for them, avoid them as much as possible (same goes for sick friends). I wash my hands a lot. I Can't cook my own food. I'm scared of going to restaurants in case they haven't cooked it right. I'm scared of going on holiday in case I catch something or the different food makes me sick. I'm scared of long plane, car, train, bus journeys in case it makes me sick, and I'm scared of going on planes in case I catch something with all that recirculated air. I also don't trust food a lot of the time from supermarkets etc for no good reason. Certain foods cause problems, ones that are known for going "off" or containing harmful bugs - milk, cream, meat etcI had to leave the light in my bedroom on all night sometimes because of the fear of waking up and throwing up in the darkness. I carry bottles of water EVERYWHERE to help with nausea etc, and I keep some sort of water or juice by my bed every nightI refuse to drink alcohol because I may throw up and parties where there are teenagers and alcohol are a problem because other people may be throwing up.When I work at dentists and see someone even look uncomfortable I am straight into a panic attack.A lot of the things detailed above (all that I could think of for now) will cause panic and severe anxiety.My question to you is, do you think I have emetophobia, and do you think it is worth getting treatment?Thanks,Lesley x (2 Comments \|Comment on this)
Friday, April 22nd, 2005
_12:35 pm_[jyeshta]	I'm feeling crazy - my friend who's supposed to come here to visit from NY on Wednesday called me and says he's feeling very strange and may cancel the trip. I'm so afraid - we were going to go apartment hunting because I hate where I live, and I need my friend to co-sign a lease. I've been being harrassed by my upstairs neighbor - he's been ordering all sorts of magazines and crap in my name, and I can't listen to music here or anything. I just hate it and I want to move. If my friend doesn't come, I won't be able to move. Plus, I really, really want to see him. I'm so lonely here and the mornings and daytimes are the worst. If I could quit smoking I could move back and live with my friend but I don't think I can quit smoking, I'm a nervous wreck all the time!I don't know what to do - I feel insane with disappointment and fear. This anxiety problem has been on me, off and on, since around July of 2001. It's bad again now and I'm wondering if it will ever get any better. In NY there's no way I'd find a doctor or psychiatrist who'd prescribe the controlled substance meds I'm able to get now from my psychiatrist here. And if the anxiety never lets up, how could I cope without the meds? I just don't know what to do. I bought nicotine patches yesterday but I'm too afraid to try and quit smoking. I just don't feel ready. Yet I'm stuck in this situation if I can't quit. I want to go back to my friend in NY but I can't unless I quit smoking. And I'd be very lonely there, too, because my friend is my only friend in NY.I keep praying for help but nothing is helping. I don't know what to do. I'm so upset. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 20th, 2005
_12:37 pm_[jyeshta]	Hi, I'm new to the community and somewhat new to LiveJournal. I have terrible anxiety everyday - it lasts all day but it's worst in the morning. I'm so frightened right now and there's just nothing I can do for it. I take Klonopin and other meds but my tolerance is too high now.I moved cross-country against my will last summer. I could move back to be with my friend if only I can quit smoking. So quitting smoking is always on my mind only I've been afraid to try it. I'm a heavy smoker for like 35 years and I can't imagine being without it. But I want to go back and be with my friend. I'm so lonely here. I have two friends here, but that's not really enough. I'm on Social Security Disability so I'm very isolated, no job, nothing to do with my time. I live in a place I hate, but the location is the best I could get. My friend is paying my rent. I'm just so incredibly frightened. Of everything, all the time. The only time I feel better is when I'm watching a show I like on TV. Because it's escapism. I have to get going now, I'm going to my psychiatrist, who is great, only it's not really helping. (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 24th, 2005
_8:02 pm_[analgesic_pains]	Crisis, lol Hey,As I posted about before, I have a reading to do in front of 200 people and a good few of my anxiety triggers who are teachers (ie. I pass them in the corridors and have a panic attack, but this time they'll be sitting staring at me reading)I'm extremely worried since it's next week, and you can imagine the sort of feelings I'm going through. The terror, the endless obsessing over it. Everytime I think about it I start to get flustered and panicky.If I can help you understand my dilemma, it's that I want to be able to do this. I don't want to run away from it. I'll have to do it at Uni where lecturers will probably be less tolerant of anxiety. I'd feel like I let myself down if I just said I didn't want to do it, which I could. You might think I'm crazy for putting myself through it, but I genuinely feel as though I want to be able to do it. The idea of freaking out in front of 200 people is not great.BUT, I don't feel as though I can go into it without some prior preperation. any idea?? Mine were to find out the procedure, find out when and where, find out what the stage and setup will be like, everything about it, how the microphone works and a chance to practice into it, find out my reading etc...2 other issues have arised also. I have considered going to my assistant year tutor for help with this as I have no authority to get any of those things done. Everytime I see her I panic, lol. I'm not sure whether I should do this or just go into it without any help, though I feel I need it. Basically I'm too scared to ask for help despite feeling I need it. There are a lot of other issues which it raises too. If you were in this position, would you ask for help with it?I have the choice of two venues for this reading. One has my teacher triggers and my friends there, both bad, but I am familiar with the setup of the stage and how it all works. Also, there are several teachers who know about my "problem" in that assembly and if I felt I couldn't do it or was feeling bad afterwards, could be of support (I would hope)The other venue is a big unfamiliar hall around twice the size of the other with a massive stage which freaks me out. No one I know there (which is a good and bad thing).Thankyou for any help you can give me!!X-posted EVERYWHERE!! (Comment on this)
Friday, January 28th, 2005
_7:54 pm_[analgesic_pains]	Crisis over here... The list (you'll find out) is at Ste and I am StrI am fine with doing class presentations (not without anxiety though) so far as I know but because I have the joy of being a prefect in my school I'm required to read a lengthy passage of the Bible out at an assembly. This assembly will have 200+ people there including several of my major anxiety triggers who are teachers. To say the least, I'm terrified. I know "normal" people are scared of public speaking but for me it could have severe health repercussions. Bear in mind, I really WANT to be able to do this as I'll need to do it at Uni and I don't want to be so fearful of it. This is no excuse because I wish I could do it so much. I also want to prove to all the teachers who've stereotyped me I'm stronger than they think.One night we were waiting after school because we had prefect duty that night and we were messing around on the stage. I looked out at all those chairs and tried talking through the mic and it just freaked me out so much. I actually couldn't talk into it for more than 3 seconds lol. More teachers (who will be present) have become anxiety triggers too. Even just watching other people get up and do it gives me anxiety.If you stay off, they reschedule it. If you tell them you're not doing it, they call your parents. What would you do? X-posted (Comment on this)
Saturday, November 6th, 2004
_5:51 pm_[healthhazard]	I have 2 phobias.The worst one is pupa phobia. Every time I see a puppet/marionette on TV or worse in real life, I scream and have to cover my eyes, or go out of the room. The NSPCC ad is the worst. I hate it. I cannot describe how much I hate it.The 2nd one is big eyes. I know somebody who has big eyes. I can’t look directly at her. I had to take a poster of Meat Loaf down, who I’m mad about, because he had big staring eyes. It's not as bad as the pupaphobia though (Comment on this)
Saturday, October 16th, 2004
_1:05 pm_[analgesic_pains]	I leave class sometimes when I have a panic attack. I know I do, and I don't think it's wrong. My therapist said it wasn't wrong too. But if I have a phenomenal stomach ache which means I'm about to cry from the pain, do I have a right to leave? Or do I have to sit and suffer from it?Is anyone else suffering phenomenally from the shame of everything you've done as a result of your panic attacks/anxiety? Or how people have seen you so weak and know you're suffering from mental illness? That people have seen you this way? I am suffering SO much because of it at the moment in school and I'm open to your experiences and ideas about how to overcome it. I hate mental illness stigma and stereotypes. Grr.Lesley xxx (2 Comments \|Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 5th, 2004
_6:50 pm_[msmallwod]	Invite to a new Anxiety-Panic Yahoo Group just opening http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/HealthandFamilyCare/Hello, I would like to invite all members and moderators, to join our newly created (OCT 3, 04) Health and Family Care yahoo Group. Health and Family Care Yahoo, is an Anxiety, Panic, Phobia, all forms of Depression and OCD, Bipolar Disorder support Group. Members will be able to post, interact and support each other in a family style setting. Membership is open to anyone in need or Shares in the desire to help others overcome this terrible disorder. Visitors to this group will be able to find a link to the Health and Family Care Web site that is the parent site of this group, to find news and self-help information and much more to come. You will also find our original and active message board that this group will be replacing. You are welcome to post on both boards at anytime. If you have, any questions please feel free to e-mail at anytime. Michael_Smallwood@hotmail.com Michael Health and Family Care Moderator United States, Philippines Health and Family Care Website http://www14.brinkster.com/msmallwood/mainpage.aspCurrent Mood: restless (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 28th, 2004
_9:12 pm_[analgesic_pains]	Starting to develop heart and illness anxiety.We measured our pulse rates and our blood pressures today in school for biology.My heart rate was twice as fast as anyone elses (resting)And my blood pressure was "quite high" according to my teacher.What the hell do I do? Can this be anxiety?!?! (Comment on this)
Monday, September 20th, 2004
_8:54 pm_[analgesic_pains]	I had a day today where I felt permanently in a panic attack and a few questions have arisen from it. I had a panic attack in chemistry today. It wasn't TOO bad because recently I've lost some of my will to care really but I got really scared when my legs (mainly the thighs) lost all power and started burning and became really painful. It felt as though all my muscles had ripped and I was going to collapse. Something to do with the panic attack? Anyone else ever experienced this? I also was doing an experiment in biology and blacked out totally then sorta started panicking. Just anxiety?Do you ever sometimes wonder though you're hiding in a toilet shaking if you're faking it? I can't shake that off. I think maybe I'm faking it and everyone knows, even though I feel shit. Ever had that?Thankyou all for listening to my rant. (2 Comments \|Comment on this)
Sunday, September 5th, 2004
_1:41 pm_[analgesic_pains]	Ok, I'm slightly confused. Recently my symptoms have been as follows:-My heart races-I have RAGING stomach pain that is completely unbearable-My breathing speeds up, I shake, I have intestinal spasms-I get weak-I feel sick-I get dry mouth-I have those horrible rushes through my body that make me feel like my cells are just buzzing around-I sweat profusely and my face goes really warm and hot, and my hands and feet go really cold-And a host of other lovely symptoms, but those are my main ones at the momentThat IS a panic attack right? So why don't I feel like they are? These episodes lasting 20-30 minutes or just slightly over that seem to just be viewed by me as being highly anxious, although I do get panicky? (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 25th, 2004
_9:50 pm_[analgesic_pains]	When you're in school, and you suffer from panic attacks/anxiety and you need to leave class because you take not well, how often is too often? How often do you all leave, on average? I've just started back and my anxiety has skyrocketed and I'm just preparing myself.None of my teachers know yet and I'm dreading the reaction I'll get from them again by having to ask to leave. I might not have to if a miracle happens... I remember each teachers reaction so clearly from last year and it was horrible. This year I have 10 teachers instead of 5 as well...I don't have any prior arrangements with my teachers though I kinda did last year and that helped, though due to complicated reasons I'd be hard pressed to get the memo out to my teachers again. What does your school do for you? How do the teachers react? And what do you do when you're in school and have a panic attack?Oh, btw, my ex-therapist and psychologist said this was ok and I wasn't "escaping" or anything. I have a little break to get myself together than go back in, I never fully leave or anything, but I do struggle with this issue a lot. (Comment on this)
Friday, August 20th, 2004
_8:13 pm_[analgesic_pains]	I'm on my own now and I'm scared. I was kicked out of therapy two months ago and now, just today, I've been kicked out of hypnosis.I'm having no treatment now after less than a year of trying. I don't know what to do, I'm more unwell than I was when I was diagnosed. And what scares me most is I was relying on the hypnosis to get me through the first few weeks of school at least because I am violently anxious about it...What do I do now? I feel like such a lost cause. Is anyone else in the same position or extremely anxious about going back to school??I am so alone. (1 Comment \|Comment on this)

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