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This doesn't look very active, anymore, but if there is anyone still here, still reading these posts...I really need a friend. I'm finally making a break from a very unhealthy 5 year relationship - though right now it's still up in the air whether it's over for good or if it is just a break, I really hope that I'm strong enough to make it over for good.

My girlfriend hasn't worked in 2 years, and I've been working two jobs just to keep us afloat. She does nothing but sit in front of the computer - the house is a mess unless I make time to clean it, and the mess is pretty much all hers, because well, with two jobs I'm not really even home to make a mess. I know she has to be depressed, and likely has other mental illnesses that triggered the depression - but she's refused to go to a doctor, or get any sort of help. I tried doing my own Hippie Doctor program for her - exercise, sunlight, better eating, vitamins...she only did one of those (vitamins) and only took those for maybe 3 days. I couldn't get her to go out or do anything else. I've tried constantly for years to get her help, and she won't even let me help her, much less try to help herself.

She also has a lot of back problems - a recent issue, which I suspect is caused by the fact that she spent 10+ hours every single day in an office chair in front of a computer and smokes a pack a day. I'm not exaggerating. So now she's moved camp to a big squishy chair, which helped her back pain - unless, of course, she moves around or does anything at all. Again, when I try to get her to go to a doctor - "Oh, they can't help me. I'll need a specialist, and we can't afford that." Doesn't even want to try. Doesn't realize if she quit smoking we'd have money for just about any doctor.

Then the other day, I find out she's been smoking inside (the only rule in the house is no smoking inside - it makes it smell bad and discolors walls, carpets, you name it...and I'm not going to let her trash the house I work so hard to have) and hiding the butts in empty snack food bags - probably about 10 packs worth, and that's just what I found. It was only a week before that I smelled the smoke and asked if she was smoking inside, and she lied and said no.

It was the final straw...the lack of respect it shows that she couldn't simply step onto the back porch to smoke when she knows I don't allow it in the house, and then the lie on top of that. She doesn't respect me, and I can't trust her. Though she says she loves me, she's obviously more concerned with herself and doing only what she wants to do and never getting better, and to me, that's not love.

So I told her it was time she went back to her parents - that it wasn't a breakup, but I needed to focus on fixing my life and she needed to get better. Her parents will make her get to a doctor. She doesn't want to, because she says they make her feel like a failure - but I know from experience that means they try to get her to see her problems so she can work on fixing them, and she takes it as an attack. She doesn't want to accept she has problems, she doesn't want to fix them. She wants to ignore the world and go online and pretend to be someone else. So anyone who suggests she do otherwise is attacking her.

Now she's pretty much ignoring me or lashing out at me, and I found out from one of her online buddies that when I asked her if she wanted to go out with me or do anything together before she left, she told her buds "I wish Alex would just leave me alone, so I can do these tags (RP shit) in peace, since I won't be able to soon."

It's true her parents don't have internet, but it's also true they go every day to the library so they can get online. She won't be completely without internet. She's taking the laptop I paid for. But apparently, even though she'll be able to get online and not be able to see me, the computer is still more important than spending some time with me.

It was probably then that I finally decided this should be the end, not a break. I'm not going to tell her, not until she's gone...I feel bad for that, but she knows how to make me feel guilty too well. She knows what hurts me the most, and she'll use it to protect her interests. But now I know that's what she really cares about, and not me.

Sorry. That got long. I'm relatively clear headed right now, but I've been doing back and forth from feeling like this to completely falling apart. I've driven most of my friends away by the way I've focused on her to the detriment of myself and my other relationships - family, friends - and now, I could really use a friend...or at least someone to listen.