changes (original) (raw)

I had my job interview today. It was a group interview with about 12 other people. I had thought I was applying for a cusomer service position at a local bank, half the time teller and half the time customer service. I know tellering and felt confortable applying, plus I really need a job now to feel I am of value. But the recuiter informed the group there is no tellering and it is a hard selling position. There are aggressive goals to meet and high expectations. I am not ready for high expectations. I am barely getting through the day living up to my own expectations. I was so nervious and anxious when I was called for the one on one. We talked and I was infomed that i did not seem to be the right person for the job. What a relief. But why was I crying in the car on the way home. I know that it was not right for me and that the right job will come along. That's what my common sense was telling me, but I felt like a failure that I let myself down. I told husband; he seemed simpathetic, but also a little relieved. I know he thinks if I work outside, I will move even furthur away, emotionaly. Other people will influnce my thinking. I can think for myself. Todays reading from The language of Letting Go (which I think everyone should read) is about accepting changes. I am trying so hard to change for the better, to be myself, to find myself, that person who got swallowed up by my husband so long ago. I am trying to be me. But he doesnot see this, he wants thing beck to normal. Forget the past, he says, I will be different, he says, stop pushing me away, he says. For 20 years, I have been hearing the same thing every few months. I would just blame my self for not keeping him happy, for not doing enough to make the marriage work. It was always my fault, for making him feel the way he did, for making him think the thoughts he did, for making him do the things he did, for making him not love me. He had the right to be angry at everything. I did not have the same right, i had to hide my feelings. i would push and shove and lock all this away in the back of my mind and force myself to smile and get on with it all. Afterall he needed me, my children needed me. But now,that lock is broken and everything has come spilling out making a big mess of everything, for him I am trying to have my feelings and express them. I am trying to change for my better. I have to if I want to live, because I cannot go on like this anymore. He told me today to let him know how he should act, to lead him, to tell him how to behave to make things better between us. How can I tell him. I don't want to tell him, it will only be fake, he will go back to his old ways, he always does. He wants me to promise everything will be okay. how can I when I don't even know. and, ok for who, him. The more I am trying to change, the more he is getting scared that I will really leave him. My therapist ways sometimes you have to hit the bottom before you can get your footing to climb out. Well I hit hard, and I don't want him to pull me back down on his way to the bottom. At the same time, i feel sorry for him. That he does not realise what he does. I do not want him to hurt and be confused. I am fighting so much with myself, but I am trying not to beat myself up anymore. I am trying not blame myself for his bad feelings, after all he never blamed himself fo mine. Every day is a struggle; I am trying to change. For the better. For me.

I am not sure how much I am supposed to type here, once I shart, I just can't stop. Maybe, because I was never allowed to have a voice before. Well, I hope no one minds my posts are so long. I am sure they will get shorter over time. If any one else is out there, please post something, not just a comment. Post how your life is today, someone will listen, I will listen. thanks for letting me share.