made me believe someday i'd be (original) (raw)

"I don't deserve you," AJ said one night, when they were in the middle of a movie. The lights were turned down and they were snuggled together on the couch, the only one Justin found at Goodwill that could fit into the tiny living room when they first moved in. AJ had long gotten bored of the action on the screen, and his mind had drifted off to thoughts about the day's events. It'd been a pretty normal day, really. After their classes they both went to their favourite pizza place, and then they'd taken a long walk around the park, JC's arm around him all the while. Then they walked past the basketball court, and when they watched a couple of kids try to outdo each other with three-pointers it suddenly hit him.

It'd been six full months since the break up. Six months since JC had moved in -- to take Justin's place, AJ thought -- and one month since he'd told JC he was ready to move on. It'd also been six and a half months since he'd been fucked, but that thought was too depressing for AJ to even dwell on.

"I don't deserve you," AJ repeated when JC didn't respond. "I'm a horrible person that cheated on my boyfriend. _Ex_-boyfriend. With someone that he was jealous of because he knew I still had feelings for him. And then I went ahead and kissed that someone anyway."

AJ watched JC's chest rise and fall as he sighed. "AJ, it wasn't your fault," JC said, finally, his voice quiet and neutral. "I was the one that kissed you, not the other way around. I was the one that dicked around with you even when I knew you had feelings for me." He tightened his arm around AJ's waist, drawing him closer.

AJ blinked and looked down, avoiding JC's eyes. He picked at a hangnail as he said "I liked being dicked around by you. I didn't - "

"Don't say that," JC said, cutting him off, and there was definitely an edge to his voice that hadn't been there before. "Don't. I shouldn't have allowed it to happen in the first place. I thought. If I'd known just how strongly you felt about me - "

"That's a fucking lousy excuse, and you know it. You knew, JC. You knew." AJ's voice was thick with emotion, and it took all his willpower to choke back the tears that he knew were going to come. "But you weren't ready and you weren't looking for a relationship then, and I respected that. Christ, I pined for you for so long, and - and. Fuck, I loved Justin, I really did, but I couldn't stop thinking about you!"

AJ pulled away from JC then, getting up and moving quickly to the bathroom. But before he took more than five steps JC had caught up to him, catching hold of his wrist and pulling him into a full body hug. AJ gave in, heaving out a dry sob. "I couldn't stop thinking about you," he said in a small voice. "And now I'm with you and I can't stop thinking about how stupid I was to throw away everything I had with Justin and - fuck, Jayce. You don't want to be with me. You're too good for me. I'm a horrible person."

JC curled a hand around the back of AJ's neck, thumb rubbing a steady rhythm into his skin, holding AJ close to him. He didn't move when AJ clung tighter to him, held him until AJ's shuddering breaths evened out.

"Honey, you can't help what you feel sometimes," he said finally. "Hell, it took me years to figure out that it was you I wanted, not all the one night stands. You're not a horrible person. If anything, I'm the one that doesn't deserve you, and you have every right to step away from this right now if you think you can't deal with me. I'm not going to hold anything against you."

AJ lifted his head up slowly. "JC," he said, looking him in the eye. "You know me better than anyone. It's all or nothing with me, I don't want a 'get out of jail free' card."

"So which is it?"

AJ paused. "I don't know," he said calmly, evenly.

When JC next spoke, it was in a whisper so raspy that he hardly recognised it as his own voice. "Are you just using me now, then?"

AJ's jaw clenched. "I don't know."

JC brought his hand to AJ's face, cupping his cheek so tenderly that it made AJ tremble. "AJ, I lo - "

"Don't fucking say it!" AJ yelled, and shoved him away abruptly, a wild look in his eyes. "Don't you dare."

Then he ran out the door before JC could answer.