beautiful suicide (original) (raw)
| i'm bringing you back! | [29 Jun 2012|07:54pm] |
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| my poor community :( 2 years since anything has been posted. you are dead. but its ok! im going to try to bring you back to your feet! so if anyone is still reading this i'll need your help!i'll start with saying ive lost almost 10 lbs in the last 2 weeks:) only a million more to go hahaha. but ive been really motivated lately and hitting the gym hard. i hope everyone else is doing amazing :)peace&loverachel | |
| starving |
| [28 Jan 2009|02:10pm] | |
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| hi, is this still active, I'm new5'4cw 107gw 100 | |
| we are[3]starving |
| Hey... i just joined. | [21 Jan 2009|06:59pm] |
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| It dosn't look like anyone posts here still.. but if anyone does feel free to talk to me. I'm 13 in 8th grade, and SI and have a ED. Stats:hw- 102lbslw-77lbscw-89lbsch- 5 3 | |
| starving |
| [26 Jun 2008|10:07pm] | |
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| [ mood | frustrated ] hellooooo.im going to a party tonight. woo oo. i hope there really isnt any drinking. but i know there will be. which means ill drink and get sick...or i could eat and not but f tht.i dont know why but the past couple of days ive been scared to weigh myself. like a serious fear of the scale, i know i need to get over it and just get on it. im just so scared i havent lost, since i had a b/p then the next day went out to eat with the fam. ill do it tomorrow.:-/well i should go finish getting ready...it takes me so long to get dressed i look fat in everything!&hearts | |
| starving |
| [26 Jun 2008|01:34am] | |
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| i'm bored at bickfords came to visit melynda. it doesn't hurt that he's here :) but there steady so i've only talked to him a little. mungy said it was disgusting how much we flirt lol, it made me happy. they got so much gross food cheese fries. jalapeno poppers. and tenders. watching them eat it made me feel good that i wasn't puttin that shit in my mouth :) self control baby lol well i think its time for a fast since i don't have work till saturday, its hard when i have work i get so shaky and tired. hopefully i can go till i have work, i'm poor this week so even if i'm with people that go out to eat i can't afford it so there will be ZERO temptation.so yeah you should all make some posts! its a ghost town here! i love reading others posts it really inspires me....but u don't have to if u don't want lol. its weird ud think that being here would make me want to binge but i have no desire to even touch what they call food :)well i'm gonna go try to find something to entertain me&hearts | |
| starving |
| [24 Jun 2008|06:13pm] | |
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| so today...1 cup soup 85 calssome tostitos and hummus 150 calscrystal light 5 calstotal 240 calsi have work in about 4 hours, i wish mike was working tonight, he's getting his wisdom teath out today but he makes the shift go by so much faster, and he's not to bad to look at lol...mmmm....well atleast jorge wil be there, but he actually does his work lol so i don't see him that much.i'm supposed to hang out with mike (not the one from work) in the morning. we probably won't. i just texted him. i'd like to know before i leave for work so i can bring my makeup, a change of close, hair straightner lol.i still haven't gotten my gym membership stuff its been 5 days! i guess if i don't hang out with mike i could run the pilgrim track, idk if they have summer school gym on it though i'm sure no one will be there at 630 though. ill have to take a bottle of water with me from work.&hearts | |
| starving |
| [14 Jun 2008|07:33pm] | |
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| [ mood | thirsty ] so ive lost 6.4lbs in 4 days, which makes me happy.but....ok so i dont know if anyone else has ever had this problem, or if its happened to anyone. this morning i smoked a blunt with my friend and i felt fine, we went outside to smoke a cigarette and i couldnt even finish it, i just felt wrong. then i felt like i was goin to pass out, everything started to get dark and everything sounded muffled. so i went inside and layed down and felt fine about 15 minutes later.i dont know why that happened. it never had before and as much as i dont think i am i need to realize i am a pot head. hhaha. i smoke every day and this never has happened to me in the 7 years ive been smokin weed. i smoked some salvia before so i dont know if it was because of that. and it wasnt like it had been that long since i ate...only like 22 hours. i dont know. maybe it was nothing and im a big worry wart. :) but i did eat after :( i had 2 and a half cookies!! 300 cals. and i had a cup of soup today which was 160 and some crystal light..so total 470. sucks.well i hope everyones doing good.m u c h l o v e &hearts | |
| we are[1]starving |
| MOD | [13 Jun 2008|07:08pm] |
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| [ mood | tired ] im bringing this community back to life. i dont think anyone, actually i know no one reads this anymore. i understand. if by chance someone is reading this leave a comment!i think im going to change the layout. a fresh start deserves it.m u c h l o v e &hearts | |
| we are[2]starving |
| :( | [25 Dec 2007|08:44pm] |
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| [ mood | crushed ] i didn't have the internet for a year and a half....i dont know if anyone still reads this....doesn't look like it...but im sorry i haven't been on in forever ...I'd really like to get this up again!!!!!!please leave comments so i know you guys still check this :)love,your sucky mod | |
| we are[3]starving |
| 800 day.. | [27 Sep 2007|09:10pm] |
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| So today i had my 800 cal day, seemed like i was eating so much, especially as my friend hardly ate today! I felt like a binge eater but i have to get these calories down me for this to work!I had:Weetabix (63)Ryvita (48)Cereal bar (90)2 Coffees (10)Vegetable wrap (250)Nutri-grain bar (131)Seaseme seed sticks (75)Spag bol (250)Total: 920, well aboutI had the spaghetti bolgnese as my dinner, i wasn't really hungry but i thought it was a meal, which i dont have very often! I went over a bit but its a high day and im going low tomorrow! Plus i went gym today and went in the sauna and steam room :D love it :)Over all i'm not a very happy person at the moment. Me and my boyfriends are in a bad place right now, i hope we pick up though. I've lost half a lb this morning but im not saying anything about it because then it doesnt seem as much as when i hit the next mark... so yeah, maybe tomorrow!( ..x..Collapse ) | |
| we are[3]starving |
| 1 Down | [26 Sep 2007|07:52pm] |
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| I'm down another lb. I'm come out of my plateau (yay!) for now. This is good especially considering i binge/purged lastnight, maybe it was waterweight? Well im 120lbs now at 5ft5.5 I really hope i keep losing again! I had my 600 cal day of 2468 today and didnt do bad, it felt like i was eating loads though and got a bit carried away haha!I had: (Loads!!)Half a weetabix (33)2 Ryvitas (96)Packet of raisens (127, i was really suprised!)Cereal bar (90)Salad (113)Fruit packet (46)Cuppa Soup (83)2 Oatcakes (84)Total: about 672 caloriesA bit over. Oooops! I lost track! When i go back to my 200cal day its guna seem like not very much indeed! I hope i lose another lb tomorrow please!! lol My day wasnt bad, quite busy 9-5 at college and extremely boring! Tomorrow i get to come home at 3 though :) Its my 800 day tomorrow, definately getting a prawn baguette from the canteen. i've been dying for one all weekm wish i knew how many calories because they dont label them. maybe i'll get a prawn sandwich from boots or something, they usually have the calories on..I dont really have much else to say today! So yer.. enjoy the thinspo!( ..x..Collapse ) | |
| starving |
| Shitty day | [25 Sep 2007|08:44pm] |
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| Everything that could go wrong did go wrong, i really dont want to bore you, but basically i was late to college, i got caught in the rain, i had a daylong argument with my boyfriend, i've been stressed out, i got offered cheesecake from my mum, ate most of it, binged on some pasta and a cereal bar and purged all three. I havent purged since last year if i remember right, and if not its still been a long while. The wierd thing is, i dont feel as stressed anymore, is that just wierd r what? But anyways the last time i randomly purged, i actually lost weight, dear god i hope i have tomorrow. I know i've only had like 400cals today like i planned and the binge food was hardly in my stomach for a second, i was that scared of digestion i literally ran to the toilet! I think i got it all :) This will not be a regular thing may i just let you know, usually im on the pill so if i frow up theres a risk i'll get pregnant, its just coz im on at the moment i dont have to take them.I hope everyones ok right now, i'm going to continue with 2 4 6 8 and tomorrow im on my 6 day..I'm going to have:Half a weetabix (33)Coffee(5)Cereal bar(90)Coffee(5)Prawn roll(350max)Ryvitas (96)Something like this anyways, and will be around 600.Im definately going gym tomorrow aswel, on my own and not with my boyfriend. Hopefully the weather will be ok so i can walk there :D**( ..x..Collapse )** | |
| starving |
| Big gap.. | [25 Sep 2007|12:26pm] |
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| So i'm on my huge gap between lessons, and decided to come home. I have only had like 177 calories on my 400cal day at the moment, but when me and a friend went in Marks and Spencers, we walked past all the confectionary, omg it all looked gorgeous, could so easily have bought a bar of chocolate, posh chocolate, BUT i didnt :) Insted i sat on the train and ate my salad! Now im drinking a gorgeously warm black coffee! On my way back to college i will have a cereal bar(90), and when i get home, have another salad(30) before gym. I've read or heard that if you dont eat 2hours before or after gym, then it runs off your current fat load. Also i heard it's best to do cardio in the morning to burn off the fat otherwise it will burn off carbs from the current day. But i can never do cardio in the morning, and before eating, well i'd probably pass out. However you do lose weight whatever cardio you do as long as you do it, just in the morning it works faster. 2 hours after im back from gym, about an hour before bed I will have two oatcakes(84), this will help me sleep so im not still starving. Altogether this will come to: 381 calories. Thats fine! I started the 2 4 6 8 on Sunday and so far have lost like the smallest fraction of a lb... stuck on this plateau still!! And that fraction of a lb was probably water weight anyways. Do you think i should just stick with it? I think i should, something got to happen. I'm just worried that because i havent lost weight and then everyday eating 200 more calories, im worried i might put ON weight?? Any suggestions?Thanks**( ..x..Collapse )** | |
| starving |
| :D | [24 Sep 2007|07:47pm] |
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| After my 800 cal day yesterday i planned to have 300 today, however i worked out that i could probably do around 200 (i havent been that low before except when i used to fast last year). My control is so much better. I love it. I can cope and i will cope and i have coped! So pleased :D. Anyways so today i have had:Half an oatabix (45)2 Black coffees (10)Cereal bar (90)Salad (30)Ryvita (57)Total being: 232 caloriesNot bad! It was funny because i've nearly been caught out alot today! usually i make my breakfast and my mums in bed, but today she was in the kitchen ironing.. i said, are you going to be long i want to do breakfast, she said u can still do it.. i was like damn, how am i going to cut an oatabix in half without her noticing, when most people have like two whole ones! anyways i managed it and put the other half in tissue in my pocket, then in the bin upstairs and sneeked my tiny breky into the living room. Next week i'll have weetabix, they are like 60cals a whole one so my breakfast will only be like 30 cals yay!!Then, my mum text me when i was on my way home from college and said do i want a homemade mushroom pie and chips? Euurgghh, the word chips made me gag and panic a bit! I just text her back saying no thanks im eating (even worse!) kfc right now, but thanks anyways. She didnt care just text back ok. I just can't wait til she goes on hols and i can eat what i like! I mean, i do anyways, so it isnt going to be so different, i just feel i'll be able to concentrate more, though i bet my boyfriend makes a big deal about it, oh well he should be used to it now after like 18months of it!I tell ya what, as i'm so in control of myself now and i know i can do 2468 (i used to always binge on the 2 day) i think i might carry on and do 400 tomorrow. Hopefully this drop from 800 to 200 today has shifted my weight because it was still the same this morning and think my period has made me plateau! I will inform you tomorrow, i'll be a little in dispair if i havent lost today... im excited to find out if i have, the 2468 is garunteed to work |
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| starving |
| Higher cals | [23 Sep 2007|06:00pm] |
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| So today i weigh 121 lbs still, im guessing because of my period, but i was thinking maybe i can still push it down by speeding up my metabolism by having a higher amount of calories today and then really low tomorrow so my body isnt used to the same 500-600 calorie intake everyday. Its hard though, i feel disgusting now i've eaten 800 calories.. I feel so guilty, im going to do some crunches and lunges later when my foods gone down, even though i still aches from yesterday at the gym... but euughh.Today i had:Ryvita (57)2 Oatcakes (84)Salad (20) ??Spaghetti bolognese (385)2 Slithers of sponge cake (200) ??Altogether: 746 calories So thats just under 800. I was offered a bowl of apple crumble at my nans, and i said no, and my mum when no shes watching her weight. I said no i'm not! She said yeh shes eating healthy and going to the gym. Then later on my nan offered us both some sponge cake and i said no and so did my mum. My mum said no i'm not a dustbin, we're watching our weight, i said no WE r not! She said well i am i need to fit in my swimming costume. See my mums quite glad i've started eating salad and that cuz its all she used to bang on about, and she eats these ryvita things too and i asked her to get me some, spose thats why she knows im watching what i eat but i dont think she really cares, and is being supportive which is good, i just feel a bit embarassed thats all. I decided to have the cake to top up my cals to round it up to 800 and have a little treat, which is unusual. Might aswel on my high day. Hopefully my metab should kick start tomorrow when i have 300cals all day and LOTS of walking up and down floors at college! I'm a bit confused about the salad though. I dont have any dressing on it and its all completely raw vegetables... so i dont really know what calories it would be because most vegetables are either negative or really low and burn fat or whatever, should i not count their calories in future? I include 1 tomato, 4 thin slices of cucumber, i small beetroot, a couple of thin slices of green, red and yellow peppers, a small leef of lettuce, and thats it.. Do you think 20 calories is too much or too little? ( ..x..Collapse ) | |
| starving |
| Hmmmm... | [22 Sep 2007|09:20pm] |
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| Ok so today i havent lost any weight.. maybe its because i've just come on my period? It must be, i went to the gym yesterday and today so maybe the scales will read different tomorrow morning... maybe they will stay the same until i come off my period. Anyways i realised something today... Usually i'm trying my hardest to eat as little as possible, then i was at my boyfriends and starving and i just though oh fuck it i'll have a curry when i get in (860cals) I get these thoughts when i dont lose weight... So i walked home from my boyfriends and i just thought, if i had that curry i know that it would fuck me up after iv done quite well all day. I also thought that it wont satisfy me, and then i'll binge. I have a history of bulimia, and i am NOT ever going back there, no way, its not worth it, and i just gain weight whilst still being unhappy. So i got in looked in the freezer and i could of had the curry i thought hmm do i want it and i thought yuk, i'm not putting that shit in my body! 800 cals?? My body hasnt seen that number in ages in a daily intake, let alone in one meal! Then i looked through the freezer still, and my fave meal (not naming i dont want to trigger anyone) and i could of had it, i looked at the cal intake... 400cals... err na, i dont like it that much put it that way! Then something else for 300cals... im just like i dont want it.. its disgusting. Thats the first time in ages ive been so starving and yet been disgusted of the food just by looking at a number. I'm slightly disapointed at what i did end up having, but at the end of the day its better than any of that crap and i'm still hungry and dont feel bloated or anything, just a little more satisfied and at ease, think i'll sleep better too. Today i had:Cereal (90)Salad (130)Ryvitas (156)Cuppa Soup (83)Oatcakes (84)Apple (80)Total: 623 calories Ok so thats not very good, but itll do. I'm not at college so that doesnt help I had been bored. Also i went gym early so all day ive felt dizzy and needed energy back. I've been trying to aim for 300 cals for a day for ages, i think i will have to try on a college day though. Monday sounds good because i dont have to get up til later that day... yeh i cant wait now! I can do it! I donno what i'm gonna do tomorrow... i have nothing planned eeeekkk.. hope i wont eat loads, oh atually i'm going to my nans and have homework, will try not to get up til late either. jesus i hope the scales read i've dropped a lb. Pleaseee... i was doing so wel till my bloody period, was nearly at my first goal! Damn, well i will def be passed it by this time next week WOOHOOO!I hope u all are having success and arent feeling too shitty, i know what its like at the weekend, i dread it put it this way!! lol**( ..x..Collapse )** | |
| starving |
| Ditto... | [20 Sep 2007|07:00pm] |
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| I had planned yesterday what i'd eat today, and i was doing so good that it was going to come to less than that! Anyways... all day at college i had:Half an Oatabix (45)Cereal bar (90)= 135Then i got home..I had dinner for once because i didnt want to get a binge on from my cravings and therefore i had:Shepards pie (250) I was only going to have half of this, but my mum was watching me and it was small anyways so she'd wanna no why i didnt eat it.Then my mum bought these new cereal bars which looked really tastey.. so i had one... :S I thought a cereal bar cant do that much damage... But i had two.. I seriously wanted to purge after, i felt disgusting... yuk, well i wont eat them again, but thats still calories...Cereal bar (140)Cereal bar (150) Them two cereal bars were higher calorie than my meal... maybe i shouldnt have meals in future, because i dont know when to stop... today it looked like i'd keep under 300 cals.. Maybe this day can be a metabolism booster, and i'll do better tomorrow... under 300!! :D Im going to be busy all day so that should help, and gym!! Yay!! OMG its such a struggle and hard work when im there, but i really look forward to it i love it!!! So overall this morning i weighed 121.5 lbs yay!! Lost nearly two pounds again... doubt i will tomorow but yay for today :) I look slightly smaller two, nearly lost half a stone.. nearly there!! And yeh today my cal intake was...675... ouch...! I had lots of coffee and green tea pills today though so my metab should be pretty quick, maybe itll work... just maybe.. Ill be happy to lose just a pound today because then i'll only be 2lbs away from my first goal, which i can easily do before sunday. And if i weigh the same i can make up for it tomorrow at the gym. If i get any higher i will cry... :( Think i'll have another green tea pill lol... your only supposed to take 1 a day, this is my 4th.. o well! At least i got out of going to the chinese tomorrow night... bloody hell, that would have been tonnes worse than today because i would of needed the energy for college... it doesnt even bare thinking about... corr i probs woulda put on 2lbs.. thank god thank god thank god...( ..x..Collapse ) | |
| starving |
| Success so far! | [19 Sep 2007|07:01pm] |
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| Well i didnt write yesterday because i was absolutely shattered and achey!! But i did really well i think! I went to the gym twice for an hour each and definately worked my arse off, even more than usual, i've never sweat so much in my life! Plus i have to walk up tonnes of floors in college anyways so thats always good exercise. All day yesterday i had:Oatabix (90)Cereal bar (90)Salad (350ish)so all together about 550 calories, not bad considering i burned prob that much at my gym sessions and allllll day yesterday. So that left me weighing nearly 2lbs less :D I'm now 123lbs at 5 ft 5.5 Today i didnt go gym because i only go with my boyfriend three times a week, but im going to do some lunges and crunches later! I have been taking green tea pills and hoodia.. i find that hoodia makes me feel full quicker but then when i do get hungry its like more hungry than i would be without it... Today i have eaten:Oatabix (90)Cereal bar (90)Salad (450ish)??? - i added a little bit more than yesterday because i felt more hungry for some reason, feel bloody bloated now though grrr!all together i estimate about 650 cals but to be fair it could be less, im doing the maximum to be on the safe side. Thats it for tonight!Tomorrow i plan to have:Half an Oatabix (45)Cereal bar (90)Prawn baguette (350)??About 485 cals. Thats what should happen! What i'm thinking about doing, if i have the energy, is to have half the cereal bar in one break at college, and then half the baguette in the other break. Then on the train home, or when i am home, have the other half of the cereal bar, and then later for dinner, the other half of the baguette! We'll see how things go, i'll report back tomorrow! Sorry if i've bored you!!! I just wanted to write it down :)And now your reward for listening!( ..x..Collapse ) | |
| we are[2]starving |
| Good Day! | [17 Sep 2007|07:04pm] |
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| Okay so today i've tried to eat as little as possible and i feel so happy! My intake has more than halved from normal so i'm pleased! Tomorrow though i'm going to the gym twice so i'm going to need to eat more.. I'm planning to make a pasta salad tonight for tommorow with not very much pasta, but enough for energy, and half it, so half before my first session at the gym and the other half before my other session and just 1 oatabix for breakfast (i need energy to get to college). I'll work out the caloric intake later but i guess it wouldnt be more than... 500 all day, so thats good.Today i had:1 oatabix (90)Go ahed bar (144)Prawn baguette (350)??About: 584 Im guessing about the baguette, but i think its the most it could come to, it wasnt very big. I halved it so i had half for lunch and half as my dinner. In future if i have a bar at break i'll have a special k one which is 90cals. The go ahed pack was a bit confusing, it said it was 72 cals and when i looked closely it sed per slice, and there were two slices... damn! nevermind. I will be taking a green tea pill later as well to keep my metabolism up. I feel thinner already!( ..x..Collapse ) ( ..x..Collapse ) | |
| starving |
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