Waking Up This Morning Thinking This Can't Be Real (original) (raw)

[	mood	|	embarrassed	]

Uh, obviously, I'm new here. :) And very, very shy...even over the internet, so, uh, excuse me for that? In any case, I joined because I thought it would be nice to be able to talk to more people with the same interests (and open minds), and I was actually shocked that this community exists because...well, I've had a less-than-wonderful time dealing with ignorance in Indiana (and southeastern Indiana, especially) over the past 20+ years (not counting my recent moves to other states). I'm used to Hoosiers treating everything that isn't straight and traditional like a plague, so I hope you understand my awe.

I haven't exactly been out for very long. My husband (along with a few friends and a few in-laws) knows, and after all these years, it's actually nice to be able to gawk at girls together without him acting like he's going to get in trouble. He's supportive (because when most guys think of girl on girl...well, you know), and he's encouraging me to find some friends, but as I said, I'm very shy. Heh.

I haven't told many people. One brother-in-law knows, and I think the other one may know, too...not sure there. My husband's uncle just found out this year (and it came after making a previous comment about how bisexual people are just "confused" and end up homosexual anyway). No one else in his family knows because, well, who knows how they'd take it?

As for my family, my mom may know (I blurted something out to her a few years back), but no one else does. My dad and older brothers have had clues thrown to them before (when I was caught viewing my dad's porn as a teen), but they have this idea that they "cured" me of my "problem," so whatever. My dad's not very supportive of anything I do, and one older brother is very pig-headed and over-protective of me, so he thinks he knows what's best for me. It's always been like that. Yay, dysfunctional family.

I wish I could be more open, but having grown up in this state, I was taught to do the opposite so I could fit in, and now it's just an old habit. I'm still at that stage where I feel like I should have these feelings because everyone I know insists that these feelings aren't right. Now, I'd like to consider myself a logical-thinking person, and I am usually, but when it comes to things like this, I revert back to little girl mode. This helped to cause a break-up between me and a girlfriend/best friend a few years ago (someone I still really miss). I'm two more years away from 30, and I hope to change. It may never happen, but I'll certainly try.

In any case, this is probably the most sincere thing I've ever said about my feelings...and it's probably the most I've ever devoted to being bi. Heh, sorry for rambling on.