Ronald McDonald (original) (raw)

Ronald McDonald Dead, at 38
1:43 A.M. March 20th, 1997
Alex Sandell

In a shocking press release, issued today from McCholesterol Hospital, located in After-Effect, a quaint suburb of McDonald Land, it was announced that the famous Ronald McDonald passed away due to coronary heart failure at 6:43 P.M., McPacific Time. Mr. McDonald's primary physician, Dr. McNugget told the Juicy Cerebellum "I cannot believe he lasted this long. I've never seen arteries clogged quite as badly, before."

For the past year, Ronald's friends and family have been trying to put him on a more healthy diet. "Ronald wouldn't budge an inch. He was convinced the food his namesake restaurant served was the healthiest around, contradictory to all the reports," Ronald's brother, Rafiki was quoted as saying, in this morning's edition of the New York Times, only hours before Ronald's death. "Ronald DID have a wide variety of meals but, they all started with a Mc," said Ronald's mother, McHillary McDonald.

Mayor McCheese refused to comment on the current state of McDonald Land but, according to reports, gigantic riots, led by the Hamburgler, have broken out, similar to those in California, during the Rodney King incident. The same source has informed the Juicy Cerebellum that Burger King is going to lend a hand to their main competition, by sending in troops of lame oldies tunes, last used on their Whopper and breakfast biscuit commercials.

The Juicy Cerebellum will keep it's readers informed, as new information arises. For now, we have to mourn with the rest of the country over this tragic and, unforeseen, loss. Ronald's dying words are said to be "I lied."

No further information has been released at this time.

Juicy Cerebellum Press Syndicate

Our community is dead, that's for sure. I just hope Mr McDonald is okay, and this is all a hoax.