 |
10/7/05 10:01 am -  darlingnikki02 I grew up in a "party" atmosphere. My mother had me when she was 16, so she was just a child herself. My parents never sacrificed their drinking, drugs, and partying for their family. In fact, my dad told us (my brother, sister, and myself) that "he would rather we smoke pot than smoke cigarettes". Well, his wish came true for all of us. Not only did my sister and brother become major potheads, but they also did coke, heroine, ecstacy, and acid. Fortunately, I was smarter than that. I smoke a lot of marijuana, but I was too scared of the effects from anything else. By the time I was 18, my parents would buy us alcohol and do drugs with me and my friends.Since I had my first baby when I was 17, I slowed down a bit to care for my child. However, I did relapse and drank excessively in the months that followed my high school graduation. It became so bad that I was having urinary tract infections because I was drinking every day. My mom took my son (he was still a baby) until I could get my shit together. Oh, how history repeates itself. After two months, I got a job and cleaned myself up. I took my baby back and had a steady boyfriend. Although I did still smoke pot, I did not really drink. I was married three years later and had my second child. Life seemed stable enough.During my marriage, I started to drink again. I thought is was ok because I worked all week (an excuse I've heard from my dad MANY times), and afterall, I was 23! I would go to the bars three nights a week and sometimes I wouldn't even come home. After 5 years of marriage, I decided I wanted a divorce. And that is when things went crazy.I met a guy and we started dating. He was a big drinker too, so that was the basis of the whole relationship. After a year of that, we broke up. Being single for the first time, I dated ALOT...and I was still drinking ALOT, not believing that I had a problem. I would drink every single weekend, polishing off a 5th of vodka in an evening, then waking up the next day and drinking some more. After many blackouts from vodka, I went to beer...a case of beer in an evening. Then I met John.John was like noone I ever met. Although he was from a broken home, his parents taught him excellent values. He was smart, successful, and a nondrinker. I loved everything about him. I knew that I didn't want to drink anymore. I wanted a good life for me and my kids. He stuck by me during my drunken rages, my drunk phone calls, and my drunken crying spells. After a few dramatic episodes, I decided I needed to quit, and I did...for a whole month. That may not seem like a long time, but for an addict, it's a huge accomplishment! I realized that I could control this thing...and it didn't control me. After that month, I drank a little...every once in a while. I started to drink again this past April. At first it was a few beers while I was cleaning, then it was a many beers while I was sitting at home on Saturday night with nothing to do. Next thing I knew, I was drinking every weekend again, but this time I was doing it at home by myself. To date, I have not had a drink in almost 3 weeks. I am trying to cleanse my body of the toxins that have been built up over time. I am now a vegetarian and I am determined to save my drinking for "special occassions." I'm not looking to quit altogether...I think I would miss it too much. But I have to learn moderation. Yes, that may seem impossible for an addict, but I am going to do my best to get to that point. Drinking and drugs is all I have ever known. It was acceptable while I was growing up, and acceptable by my peers. I am now an adult, and I know right from wrong. I know that there is so much fucked up shit that happened to me as a child and that is why I chose to drink. It was better than the pain and confusion I would have to face. I know now that numbing myself is not the way to get over these things. If I fail, I will start over. I refuse to let my childhood affect my adulthood. But most importantly, I refuse to let my children grow up with an alcoholic for a mother. |