.:TiKLe Me PiNk:. (original) (raw)

[	mood	|	enthralled	]

> 1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a
cat, but it was
> dead.
> "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her
pupil.
> "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,"
answered the child
> innocently.
> "You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
> "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went
'Pssst!' and it
> didn't move."
> ___________________________________________
>
> 2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
> Five minutes later....
> "Da-ad...."
> "What?"
> "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
> "No, You had your chance. Lights out."
> Five minutes later:
> "Da-aaaad....."
> "WHAT?"
> "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
> "I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank
you!!
> " Five minutes later......
> "Daaaa-aaaad....."
> "WHAT!"
> "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of
water?"
> ___________________________________________
>
> 3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting
into mischief,
> finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
> The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and
out and in
> and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says,
'For
> Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
> ____________________________________________
>
> 4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a
mother was
> tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the
light when he
> asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep
with me
> tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't
> dear," she
> said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
> A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little
voice: "The big
> sissy."
> ____________________________________________
>
> 5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service,
for the
> children's sermon. All the children were invited to come
forward. One
> little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and,
as she sat
> down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very
pretty dress.
> Is it your Easter Dress?"
> The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's
clip-on
> microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
> ____________________________________________
>
> 6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my
three year
> old came into the room when I was just getting ready to
get into the
> shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied,
"Yes, honey,
> remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I
know," she
> replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
> ____________________________________________
>
> 7. A little boy was doing his math homework.
> He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch
is seven.
> Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
> His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are
you doing?"
> The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework,
Mom."
> "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the
mother asked.
> "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the
teacher the next
> day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher
replied,
> "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked,
"And are you
> teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is
four?"
> After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I
taught them
> was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
> ____________________________________________
>
> 8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story
of Chicken
> Little to her class. She came to the part of the story
where Chicken
> Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so
Chicken
> Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is
falling, the sky
> is falling!"
> The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you
think that
> farmer said?"
> One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he
said: 'Holy
> Shit! A talking chicken!'"
> The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
>