My entire week (and I edited it once!) (original) (raw)

Updates to the blog:
I reverted my background to be what it was a long time ago. The picture is not mine and I will gladly take it down if asked, but I did change the colors. Since maybe 10 people read this I'm not worried about it for the moment, but I'm working on changing it. I don't see many livejournals with the old style and since I'm going through to make some old entries public it seemed to fit.

Mom's birthday:

I saw mom for her birthday instead of seeing dad for father's day. We met Ben at the egg and I. Naturally I was late and Ben ended up paying, I think he gets tired of always paying. I was trying to just share mom's frittata with her, but I ended up basically ordering a two egg breakfast with fruit and toast. Ben has been drinking more than usual, I think the stress of having to care take for me and her tolls on him. He has a whole bar now. I worry about him drinking with his depression. He was in a pretty good mood, though busy as usual. I offered to help, he needed it, but instead I hung out with mom for her birthday. Any other week and I would have helped Ben. Who am I kidding, I have a hard time getting everything right, Ben has a particular way he does things and it is hard for him to employ people. We dropped Ben off and went out to Ares to get some cords for my antminers. I was expecting more work, but when they arrived (early) that was all I needed. Fortunately I knew the exact cord I needed from a picture online. We then headed to Mom's friend the acupuncturist's office. I didn't really want to see mom with needles stuck in her, but I got bored in the waiting room, grabbed a magazine on enlightenment and went in. We talked for a little while then all of a sudden I heard snoring, so I read the magazine and waited for the appointment to be over. It was fairly interesting, the reading I do online is so shallow it is nice to have more than a quote for spiritual wisdom. We then headed to the Yellow Deli. It is run by a christian Hippie commune (mom and Ben refer to it as a cult). They were very, very nice to us and gave us numerous free things, including dark yerba mate. They are masters at making yerba mate. I told Ben they gave us free Yerba Mate and he said, "It only costs you being married to the cult leader" He might have mentioned group suicide, all as a joke of course. They had beautiful art on the wall and everything was handmade. Mom said it is a safe place I can go where I can trust people. They had beautiful art on the wall about the hippie movement and how they merged it with the bible. Strange that a bunch of hippies gathering together to do drugs, listen to music, mate and talk about love and enlightenment causing political change turned into religious communes. They were all very nice and I felt almost hypnotized into loving the place. It felt a bit like heaven. We shared a sandwich and some tutti fruitti. We were treated like queens. Apparently mom likes it for the internet connection. A hippie place with wifi, I related hippie with earth consciousness and thriving ecology, somehow that and wifi don't mix. But it is a business and wifi plus food and drink mix, you pretty much can't thrive as a business without a wifi connection. We left eventually and we debated whether mom should drive me to Denver or not. I was fine taking the bus and had terrible anxiety about going on the highway. It was a deep stomach I think this could be deadly kind of anxiety, but it passed. We were fine and an intuitive voice assured me mom would be fine too, even though after the car accident in 2001 I've felt unsafe in any vehicle other than a bus.

Much mining such wow:

I'm hoping to do something with the bitcoin mining operation to help the family and subsidize my writing, since there is plenty of crazy writing and not enough skilled bitcoin miners. I still love my writing and plan to keep it going. It is a bigger headache than anticipated. First of the equipment is not cheap and requires technical skill to use. My old mac is resisting running any program for mining other than macminer and the system isn't capable of being updated for any other program other than downloading the raw code files. Sure I know coding, I could go in and do something, but it would take weeks, months, or years plus a few people helping me to get anything working. The company only has support for cgminer for this particular device and the help forum for macminer was based on a later version. I can still go to the library, download debian no root, then run the files on linux; since open source linux developers have no reason to keep making it more and more expensive to update. Considering how difficult coding is I appreciate the effort. It has taught me more about bitcoin mining, if I can clock these at optimal efficiency there is a chance to make money if I hurry. It is much harder to get into any kind of cryptocoin mining now. I can maybe sell the house and buy some, but my opportunity for mining was in 2011and I blew it by being obsessed with mister, who now blocked me on Facebook rightfully so. *epic facepalm* Now I'm in a mad rush to do things network administrators do, I don't know this might now go anywhere. I'm much better off working and selling the house. Though sharing this strategy on my blog I doubt even my best plan will pan out, because an opportunist with more resources and knowledge will get there first. I made it here in 2002, so at least I have the nostalgia factor. I see my writing living on in programming, a help file told me "thank you for reading". You are so welcome, was I the first person who wrote that? I wonder sometimes if this journal is worth more than just ranting and sharing about my life.

Plagerism and blogging about blogging

Here I am stealing an idea from harrietbrown and I'm bitching about people plagiarizing me. I remember her posting something about having the idea of writing a bipolar blog a long time ago. I didn't intend on plargerizing anyone 98% of my entries are friends only or private, I have no intention of making money from it as I haven't in over 10 years of blogging. Maybe people will remember it and come back or see the link on vellocent.tumblr.com or Facebook. If I wanted to make money I'd be out there marketing, but I'd rather work on the blog itself first. I do see it more often now, I've made almost nothing and have no way to sue (you need money to sue!). Anything is morally right if you have money and almost nothing you do is morally right if you don't have it. Maybe my classmate at Waldorf was right, capitalism is wrong. Though what system can replace it, every political system is flawed. This one is just nearing the end and needs to be replaced desperately, I hope nonviolently, but I have little control other than some blogging fame (if you call 10 loyal readers based on google stats "fame"). I'd reach more people passing out flyers downtown. Yet somehow I still see my words live on, that is the downside to being unprivileged, you don't have the money to protect your own work from being stolen. I see very similar "experiences" without details and wonder if their heartfelt story was just some fake journalist trying to emulate me. There was one article in particular linking hallucinations and depression, writing like hallucinations and depression were common. Only someone who read my blog where I claim "depression", but have something worse would have written that. I unfollowed the Facebook page of the journal who published it on Facebook after that. I get my paranoia too, so I have a hard time when I see possible plagiarism. I should get a copyright lawyer, but what am I going to do? I have no money and money talks these days. Yet here I am posting. Mainly I'm grateful mental illness is getting attention, the stigma is terrible and misinformation abounds. But why plagiarize me, I'm one person with a mental illness, at least conduct research. These people went to college, seriously?! I need to talk to a lawyer and stop getting paranoid and delusional about my writing. I just figure this is more effort than I've put into anything in my life, I have to do something with it. An art project for thesis was a start, but I need to follow that up with something better. Only five copies exist and will ever exist of the first edition. The second edition will consist of the best from the first edition and new images with writing. I have not put out anything else. I forget I'm not just someone who started it towards the beginning, yes 2002. I also started blogging pre-diagnosis. that has to be worth something, at least as raw data for my psychologist to help me. I did already read it to stop drinking, I wrote the most awful junk when I was drunk. I also saw symptoms I posted too, that convinced me the illness is real.

The mailing and rainstorm:

I headed out today to ship the stuff I listed last week. I was short at the post office and needed tape, so I went to the library. I didn't shower before leaving the house, but at least I was in gym clothes. No one commented, but I could tell by the space people gave me at the post office it wasn't good. I shouldn't do that, but sometimes I feel rushed. I headed on the bus back to the library to buy postage and use packing tape. They gave me some, so I'll have to buy some and give them a roll. It really saved me. Then the rain storm started as I was ready to head out the door. I walked outside with a box over my head and quickly went right back in. At first it looked like a typical rainstorm, then the hail started and the tornado siren went off. People gathered next to the window were asked to get away from it, as being next to giant glass windows vulnerable to the outside is one of the least safest places to be during a tornado. So we all packed into the library. I grabbed a book containing notes left on the refrigerator door and read the whole thing. It was notes between a mother and daughter, it was so touching I started crying twice. A warning of early closure of the library followed, because the power went out. What a time to close early, a flash flood warning had been issued and the tornado warning just stopped. What a terrible thing to do to people. Why kick people out of a public place scheduled to close at 8pm two hours early during a rain storm. They were generous and nice to me, but it didn't feel right. Luckily the train came with enough time to take off my shoes and socks and wade a deep puddle on my way to the stop. I made a joke to some people watching the river in the light rail track, "river front property", I hope they knew I was kidding even if it was a bad joke. I hopped on the light rail as the river followed us for about 5 blocks. A person video tapped the storm on his cell phone, probably trying to get youtube fame. I found a safe place to cross the road and headed into the convenience store. The employee and owner were joking about needing a boat to get home. I ate two nuttier butters, I don't know why, I love those horrible things and I was hungry. 600 junk calories later the 43 arrived and fortunately missed the giant puddle coming up from the sewers outside the convince store. It was a sewer lake and all these cars were still driving through it as it was only about 2 feet high. I heard some poor guy's engine screaming, I hope he made it home. I wouldn't do that, I'd pull over, park on a safe plot of land and wait or ride the bus home. A storm like this came right after I gave Jay my old prelude, the engine flooded. It never would have happened if I kept it, but I just wanted to break up and I felt bad about it. Seeing the water rise from the sewer made me regret wading through the puddle. I made it home, where it is warm and dry on a hill. Not a drop of water here. It collects in a river on York st. Yeesh, everyone has cell phone now, why risk it? I called mom and said I was okay. We are seeing each other tomorrow. Apparently no storm at all hit Boulder, thankfully. I was a bit worried about a flooded basement, but fortunately nothing yet. I thought the whole time I was mining litecoins, but the machine was off. I closed it to put it to sleep by force of habit. I'll check my account in a couple of days to see if I get anything. Which is for the best, since I'm mostly wasting power to test it and I'm getting fractions of them at this point, even mining overnight. When I got home a letter from the SSDI lawyer arrived, the files I gave him over 6 months ago were sent. I'm not his only case and I'm young, so the chances of winning despite 6 hospitalizations, a few near death, are "slim" to him. How can some people have back pain and get approved right away, but I'm being dragged through hell over something I'm lucky to have survived. I tried to work, I really did, but I fail at nearly everything I try and I'm so tired.

Family dinner

I took a break from mining Thursday to visit family for our weekly dinner. It seems to cheer up both my parents, so I like going. Mom is doing well she cleaned out her car, which both my bother and I have been hoping for a long time. Mom values privacy, so I don't know why I mention this. She gave me a bag of food in a "love" gift bag, it was so sweet. My food stamps ran out, so I'm grateful. I feel ashamed now for what I said in the past. Yeah it is technically private and friend's only, but I don't know who added me or how many people have read the crazy things I write. Dad is okay, my stepmom Nancy is in the hospital, so he is very upset. I think all of us being so ill so often is hard on him, mom too. We went to Panera bread company. I suggested going to the place Ben refers to as the "soup nazi", which is an independent place. But we were low on time and no one else seemed interested. We went to get a shake too and I bothered Ben the whole time to give me a little. Then we just enjoyed the view from where crossroads once was. At least one thing didn't change, the view of the mountains in Boulder over the strict height zoning code is spectacular. I get the feeling maybe my therapist was right pegging me as a sensor for MBTI. The theory is so complicated and I understand it well enough to get pretty much any result, so until I'm not attached to being one or the other I'll never know my true type. It is just an archetype anyway, who I really am is different.

MBTI

Two people can be the same MBTI type and be two very different people. For example two people can be an INFP, but have different values and different ideas. Calvin (the comic character) is an INFP and so is Camus, there is a bit of absurdity about both, but no one would confuse one for the other. Perhaps as a young child Camus was like Calvin, maybe Camus is who Calvin became.

More mining...

Friday back to mining. I would figure years of training to be a programmer would have prepared me to do basic functions in terminal, use calculators, and have some logical sense. It was humbling to realize I'm totally lost when it comes to mining. I needed to do more research, perhaps it was a manic decision. I'm still behind on every single bill and need charity, I don't know what I was thinking. I planted some pansies and a mostly dead raspberry bush i hopes maybe it has a chance, the rest of the day was spent troubleshooting. My miners are still at a tenth of full capacity and no program I download or try fixes it. No code works either. Surely I could figure it out and maybe write something, but that would take longer than just downloading linux. Actually downloading linux seems to be the first step unless you have a new windows or mac. I know little about linux, my main passion is goofing off. Whatever it is that I'm not supposed to be doing is generally what I'll go do as long as it is moral.

The Cherry Blossom Festival/art rant:

Saturday I left again to go to the Cherry Blossom festival. I didn't bring my phone and the friend I came to it to see. I can tell from the turn out Denver went from an obscure cow town to a real city almost overnight due to the marijuana law. A few years ago the festival had almost no turnout and it was sort of relaxing, but this year it was crowded and people came in costume. I found a way to escape to the less crowded areas and looked around for a while. Someone was selling a batik for 5,Icouldn′tmakeabatiklikethatfor5, I couldn't make a batik like that for 5,Icouldn′tmakeabatiklikethatfor5 myself, the knowledge and work alone is worth over $5 an hour not including equipment, brainstorming, or talent. Artist have the lowest markup on their work of anyone, they think of it as a hobby and forget to get paid. Pricing ought to be based on material cost + labour + training + other costs = total cost to any buyer. I understand to an extent, I post this for nothing. My equipment cost, cost to use the internet and everything are unpaid, but it is still cheaper than socializing at a bar. That is what I'm paying for, access to introverted people who read. Now that has a higher value than people expect. Plus if all knowledge is free, other than the cost of accessing livejournal, than humanity survive with fewer mistakes due to ignorance. Anyway the festival was nice, I'm less shy when a booth is right there and all I need to do is ask questions. I never found my friend, she was even later than I was and we completely missed each other. I did get a golden Buddha and a pin, it felt like all I was there for was stuff. My anxiety peaks in crowds, so I was glad to find some islands where not many people were so I could breathe and go back. I'm absent minded too, so I bump into people. I was really glad to just leave, even though I left right before my friend arrived missing the whole point of going (to meet up with her). I worked on learning more about mining, then finally did some exercises and had a great meditation session. I have reached the point of craving the meditation, which is awesome. I don't feel enlightened and don't know if I ever will, but it seems to be helping and it isn't harmful.

Today:

I wrote this draft and did more mining (zzzz). I'm embarassed by looking at the wrong number and underestimating the difficulty of mining. I would have been better off buying one miner to test out and spending the rest on bills I need to pay desperately. I could have edited 10-20 old entries with the work I did on mining or made 20 public without editing them. I'm leaving the most edited ones as drafts for friends only and back dating the edited version. I did download a copy of them a while back, but we are not far from the days of the os suddenly failing or the processor frying so all the data you had goes away. That is what happened to my most old digital art. There was a hard drive pulled from a computer I left soda on and Jay knocked over (on accident). I won't really be remembered for being the smartest or wisest blogger, not even the one with the most entries thanks to tumblr. As of today perhaps the most influential despite having almost no followers or traffic myself.