crown of scars' Journal (original) (raw)

I know I said I was going to write about the "riots" that happened up here, but I don't want to. Okay here's what happened.

Showed up.
Stared at the damn cops.
Got gassed.
Ran away.
Came back for more.

It was fucking stupid.

On another tip:

I'm confused. Not that this is something new, but sometimes, goddamn it, I just want to understand exactly what the hell is happening. In about 5 months I will have escaped East Lansing, I'm very happy about that. No rent obligation, no phone bills, no water bills, no fucking bus riding, none of the bullshit that comes with sticking around a place I grew up in. Not to say that I don't like chillin with the people I know, far from it, but sometimes you just gotta go. Naturally it feels like I'm running away. I am. Once again, nothing new.

So I'm going to play football again, nothing special really, just a small D3 college in Defiance, Ohio. End my shitty career there, at a shitty school with a equally shitty program. Bitter? Not really. It's just an excuse to get the hell away from here before I lose my mind.

The next tip: J.A.N.E.

Hmmm who would of thought I would write about her? Surprised? If you are, kill yourself......really. I was standing in front of her not too long ago thinking "If she didn't tie her hair back her features would be softer." Random. Ever had someone call you out on your bullshit? Here's one of those moments.

J.A.N.E (looking at me with a straight face)-Dave, why are you so scared of me?

Why?

Well it's mostly because I got something I wanted and now I don't know what to do with it. Mostly I sit around and wait to lose it, that's how my life usually works, wonder why that is? Can we say: Self-fulfilling prophecy? So what does one do when confronted with the truth.....start lying.

Me-I'm not scared of you.

Then the conversation turned serious; I could tell because she walked up and cupped the side of face while staring through my eyes and out the back of my skull.....yea it was like that.

J.A.N.E-Yes you are, tell me why.

Me-What makes you think I'm scared of you?

Skillful avoidance of potentially revealing question; answer a question with a question.

J.A.N.E-(Looks at me like she's worried about my mental health or like she know's I'm not going to admit anything) Ok Dave.

Those words are said in a tone that means "You're lying, we both know it, but i'm letting you off the hook this one time; have a better lie next time."

The truth is this: I am an emotional cripple, but I'm not going to tell her that because I don't want to use her a fucking crutch.

Some people have said to me, "Dave, you're ok, remember when (insert situation)?"

8/10 I was drunk when it happened. Anyone see a problem here?

J.A.N.E-Interesting thing about you Dave, you never kiss me.
Me-Well I could have sworn.....
J.A.N.E-Initiate, Dave, initiate. Not unless you're drunk.

Boy do I feel sheepish. I don't even have an answer. Affection is not natural for me; I don't accept it well, I don't express it well, unless, as J.A.N.E. pointed out for me, I'm drunk. And I wonder why life is the way it is.

Things like this I usually reserve for times when all I can do is stare at my shaking hands and wonder what the hell is wrong with me. Better to see the thoughts here.

"The more the dark consumes me, I pretend I'm burning, Burning bright."
-"Burning Bright" (Shinedown)

Well said.