Cutting Me Up (original) (raw)

Ok I am not a person who believes in fate and all that junk but of late I'm starting to think there's something out there testing me, trying to see how far I can be stretched before I snap and either go stark raving mad or kill myself. One more test was placed before me today, I was techinally fired. Got a call, my ex-manager, saying that because payroll is over they are making yesterday my last day of work. Granted I had turned in my two week notice but I still have a week and a half to go before that's up. Granted I didn't have many shifts to cover but it's still money I now will not be getting, money that was suppose to pay my rent but wasn't going to be close in the first place. Now I have to figure out what I can do to make rent and pay my bills which seem to be accummulating (I know I didn't spell that right but don't tell me how to fix it). Personally I've always believed the messes I've gotten myself into were because of my own stupidity but what the hell did I do to get into this one? I thought I was working things out, starting a new job in about a week and a half, getting health insurance, looking for a new car so I don't get stuck half way to work, and I was trying to save up some money. Guess I won't be getting that tattoo I wanted right now... which sucks. So I'm starting to think I've either royally pissed some one off up there or I'm just a totally idiot and can't see where I went wrong. *le sigh* If I weren't living at home things could be worse right now, I could be cutting again but I can't which sucks because I want to scream until I pass out. It feels like there is a ton of weight on my chest, like I can't breath under all this stress... what am I suppose to do. My parents keep staying, "you're a strong woman, you'll figure it out just stick with your decision" I'm not as strong as they think I am, if they only knew what I wanted to do they would be locking me up and putting me in a straight jacket. *takes a deep breath and tries not to scream* What do I do?????

Things are going pretty good here. Sometimes it gets a little rough but otherwises I've been cut free for almost 3 and a half years now. I hope everyone is doing well, I'm here to talk to anybody who needs it. I don't judge people... everybody is different. Anyways just thought I would check in and see what's going on. Oh and I just started a poetry community for any type of poetry. Hopefully some of you guys will come over and join up.

Don't be caged

Poster:	dreamdeamon
Date:	2006-03-01 14:25
Subject:
Security:	Public

Happy Self-Injusry Awareness day!
March 1st 2006.

Hope everyone is well.

Why is it so hard to pull yourself out of the messes you create for yourself when it's soo easy to get into them? Things have really gone down hill as of right now. No job, no money, no life, living at home again so at least I have a roof over my head. Where did I go so wrong? Oh... could it have been when I didn't get my ass out of bed and go to class... or could it have been when I spent every penny I had on stupid shit that I didn't really need? God I am so stupid...I mean the definition of stupid right now. I hate myself so much that it's painful to still be here. What can I do? Where can I go? No where if I don't get things together soon and work something out. I hate this feeling, feels like I'm sinking into nothing. I guess it's just another test... though I'm not sure this one will turn out for the better. I'm getting really tired of getting up when I fall so far, might be better to stay down this time.

Recently found out that I've been academically suspended from college. Wonder stuff right there. Haven't told my folks yet because I would like to have a plan with what I'm going to do instead before I say anything to them. Better to go to them and say ok this is what happened and this is what I'm doing to fix it. I think that will makes things a little easier but it's not going to go well. Anyways other than that there isn't much happening...just trying to keep things together right now but it's not so bad. I wasn't sure if I was going to stay at the UW or not so I guess the school helped me out with that decision. Just thought I would keep you guys up on things. Still going, haven't cut for like 3 or 4 years now... except the little incident with the lighter and safety pin. Anyways better go get some things figured out. Hope everyone else is doing good too... one step at a time.

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Well it's break and I am so glad. No more dealing with my roommate on the phone all the time. Things are better now, still a little rough now and again but I guess that's the way it goes. There have been bad days but cutting hasn't come back so I'm happy about that too. I can't believe it's been so long since the last time, especially when things were so bad at the beginning of school. Anyways just thought I would drop in a line and make sure everyone is doing good, one step at a time folks... that's what I keep telling myself. One step at a time.

Poster:	dreamdeamon
Date:	2005-12-17 02:07
Subject:
Security:	Public

hey yall
no ones posted in a bit.
just wanted to check in and see how everyones doing.

lemme know :)

Things are going a little better, don't want to cut the hell out of my body so much today. It's been a little rough here, adjusting to all this college crap. The roommate and I are having some problems but hopefully we'll work things out. Had a nice weekend at home, got to relax and that was so nice. Hung out with my friend Kat, had some drinks but that was nice too cause I really needed to just relax this last weekend. Hopefully things will go better around here, I don't want to drop out of college in the first semester. I just have to keep reminding myself that it's not going to be easy and that I have to work for this. I can't quit when things get hard just like I always do, college will be different. Anyways, just thought I would post an update so people don't think I've done something stupid like kill myself or cut again. Still going. Hope every one else is doing good, I'm here if some body needs to talk. Kthanksbye!!

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Poster:	dreamdeamon
Date:	2005-11-09 17:04
Subject:
Security:	Public

If anyone is interested, I'm looking for another maintainer for this group,
ideal cantidate would be interested in promoting, checking entries, etc.
Anyone who is interested, email me and I will forward you an application.
Thanks everyone, and I hope all is well :)

Poster:	rachelle3004
Date:	2005-10-03 00:44
Subject:
Security:	Public

Hi. just joined I'm 19 and in school in Michigan. I'm a recovering cutter started jr. year of high school. I haven't cut since...July with a safty pin. Came close as of last week. but seems to be doing well. so yeha. thats all I have to say so far. any questions, feel free to ask.

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I started wearing tanktops and such again at the encouragement of my mom, but I can't let my scars show, I noticed the dirty looks and people staring so I'm wearing tees but keeping my left arm covered with my right when we go out. I don't know why but I cant do anything to get rid of the scars, like their a bad tattoo you can't bare to part with, its a part of my life that as much as I hate it, I almost can't say I regret it, it's made me who I am today. My entire left fore arm,is nothing but scar, I hate/love it. Any advice or just your two cents would be nice. I do plan on gettign it tattoed over eventually but with something symbolic.
-Blessed Be
~Buddha

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Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or CBT is a kind of psychotherapy used to treat depression, anxiety disorders, phobias, and other forms of mental disorder. It involves recognising distorted thinking and learning to replace it with more realistic substitute ideas. Its practitioners hold that much (though not all) clinical depression is associated with (although not necessarily caused by) irrational thoughts. Cognitive therapy is often used in conjunction with mood stabilizing medications to treat bipolar disorder. According to the U.S-based National Association of Cognitive-Behavioral Therapists:

"There are several approaches to cognitive-behavioral therapy, including Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, Rational Behavior Therapy, Rational Living Therapy, Cognitive Therapy, and Dialectic Behavior Therapy."

For more information please check out the CBT_it community

This message is cross posted, so sorry if you've seen it.
Moderators: please don't delete this post, I'm trying to find other users involved in CBT for a support and information system.

that last post gave me courage to type my incident out...on the july 4 weekend there was an argument that ended with my mom walking away and i cut my self bad and chased pills with more pills,and landed a 3 day stay at the hospital..whats strange is that i dont feel suicidal..i like my life, i just dont like myself..i was let out with ease because im pretty pleasant to people and i know what to say... the following weekend i went to visit some friends which i enjoyed aside from the dreaded part that i hate. i hate having to feel ashamed of what i do to myself,i hate having to keep everything hidden inside because i dont want to disturb anyone. and i also reached a very low point that weekend. surrounded by such great people, ive never felt so damaged before in my life. my scars have never bothered me because ive justified what ive done. but in that one moment of thought, i knew that the scars that hurt me the most are the ones inside of me. i felt almost worthless and very much like damaged goods. i felt like a christmas present after the holiday season, just a beat up box with something that could have made someone happy or someone that could have been happy but now, i feel like i dont deserve to...
its weird because im torn between a life that could be perfect if only i was different...but ive been doing ok... i keep to myself and smile when necessary and that seems to get me along. i sometimes wish i hadnt cut. it feels like i fucked up for doing so, but still sometimes wish i could just feel a little bit more even if just for a few seconds..but i know better then that... ive had some appointments with a therapist. 2 which ive kept, and today's resulted with a prescription for lexapro.. im ready to be someone new. im ready to feel like i did when i was ok. when i could smile with out hiding something behind my eyes...but y'know in the back of my mind.. im still tired. im tired of smiling and im tired of having something wrong with me...

Hey guys.
So if any of you read my current LJ then you know that I checked myself into Spring Harbor Hospital, in Maine for a few days. I almost committed suicide twice in one night so I decided I wasn't safe with myself, and went into the hospital. I spent a few days, learned some things and they sent me home.
Unfortunately home isn't the best place for me.
I cut myself for the first time in a long time once again.
I am addicted to cutting. I can't be okay with doing it once, I have to continue, until I've covered my arms and legs.
I don't honestly feel any better since the hospital, I'm not on any meds, and I think that has alot to do with it.
I just feel so hopeless, alone, and hurt.

If you wish to contact me on aim: WorseComes2worst or on yahoo: CancerPatientsRock and email: zthompson@monumentsquare.com

I'm new so Hi. I am 14, bi, and a recovering cutter...